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Question
Posted by: cheyenne | 2010/10/21

how do I get him to understand: continued

I don''t want him to have a bruised ego or anything negative, I want a positive end to our relationship so that we can both move on with closure and be content with the end.

I have emailed him. I remained calm and brought up all of my concerns, but with each responce he remains insulting and rude. I even prayed on one of the emails for us, he responded I should pray really hard because God knows the real me and that person is sick and tormented.

he completely misses the point and places blame on me for everything that has happened.
bringing up things that have absolutely nothing to do with the topic at hand.
he mentions that ALL of his girlfriends are disgusted in me as a mother and at how low I will go to get his attention.

is this the point where I just leave him alone?
What do I do with my girls?
if he wants to see the older girl do I let her go even if he doesn''t want to take the younger one?
how do I start with not letting him see her, because isn''t that also wrong?

What does that say about me telling him, he can''t have one without the other, doesn''t that just prove he can do as he pleases and I will always give in to him?
Doesn''t that give him the idea that he still has control over me?
what is the healthiest option here for everyone?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Apparently, he's the sort of person who will see no fault in anyhing he does, but always finds a way to blame others for his choices and his actions. That sort tends to have a bruiseless ego.
And he dares to criticise you as a mother ? If he was any good as a father and husband / partner, he wouldn't HAVE any girl-friends who could criticise you.
It may be better to have the matter of maintenance and access decided properly by a Maintenance COurt. And what matters isn't at all what he prefers, but what is best for BOTH his children by you.
I agree with Woman about the importance of not using children as weapons, but if in time the youngest one feels hurt that her Daddy shows less love for her than for her sister, I would calmly and in words she can understand, tell her that he's not very good at being a daddy, and that it's absolutely not her fault that he doesn't spend good time with her - that not being good at being a daddy, he concentrates his attempts on her sister - but that she is fully as loveable and worthy of anyone's love as her sister is.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Woman | 2010/10/22

Two-stone, believe me, if anyone is absolutely imperfect, it is me :) Cape Town is the best place on earth, it''s the mountaaaaaaiiiin!

Reply to Woman
Posted by: two-stone | 2010/10/22

Aaaaaii - I know I have said it before, but is there ANYTHING you are not good at Woman? Your advice is always so balanced! So glad you also live in Cape Town - maybe it is something in the air?

Reply to two-stone
Posted by: Woman | 2010/10/21

If you raise your kids to be loving and caring towards each other, seeds of hate and hurt can''t grow. They will understand the situation when they''re older. You are worried about something valid, and should that happen, get them professional help (psychologist or therapist)

I had a similar problem 5 years ago, where the dad is very uninvolved (and then had the gall to moan that they don''T have a relationship. The secret is how you raise them - they''re young, you can shape the,. One thing my kids know without a doubt, is that mommy is not scared of anything (I''ve even kicked out wolves and monsters!). This means that nothing is big enough or scary enough for them not to tell me. It''s going to be tough, but you will be fine, and you will know what being strong means. ANd one day, when you least expect it, Mr. right will pop into your life. Then you will look back at this time and you won''t believe the things you''re capable of doing.

Reply to Woman
Posted by: cheyenne | 2010/10/21

thank you.

just another question that keeps troubleling me.
how do I prevent my youngest from feeling Daddy doesn''t love her as much?
I realise she is far to young to think that now, and that situations may change, but what if they don''t. What if he always remains disconnected from her. What if the eldest hurts the youngest with words that their Daddy loves only her and not the baby?

I feel as though I''m stressing about things that may indeed sort itself out, but I can''t help but remain concerned.

Reply to cheyenne
Posted by: Woman | 2010/10/21

I feel for you, this is such a difficult cross road to find yourself at. But you have to always think rationally about your girls and their future. You cannot force him to have a relationship with his daughters. And you cannot keep them away from them. You also cannot force him to take both daughters on a visit if he only wants to see one. And it''s fine for baby to spend time alone with mom. You need to be strong and loving for your kids. All you can do, is to love them enough and always give a bell balanced view of him. Never use them as ammo, never use them to get something.

In my opinion, from what you''ve said, today is the end of your relationship. You need to be free from him, you need to heal and settle your children and find a way to live.

According to the law, you are both financially responsible for your children. I suggest you contact your nearest children''s court with a view on getting a hearing to have decent child maintenance be put in place. Keep your own nose clean. The children will one day understand. Be honest, and take time for yourself too.

Good luck to you, whatever your choices.



Reply to Woman
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/10/21

Apparently, he's the sort of person who will see no fault in anyhing he does, but always finds a way to blame others for his choices and his actions. That sort tends to have a bruiseless ego.
And he dares to criticise you as a mother ? If he was any good as a father and husband / partner, he wouldn't HAVE any girl-friends who could criticise you.
It may be better to have the matter of maintenance and access decided properly by a Maintenance COurt. And what matters isn't at all what he prefers, but what is best for BOTH his children by you.
I agree with Woman about the importance of not using children as weapons, but if in time the youngest one feels hurt that her Daddy shows less love for her than for her sister, I would calmly and in words she can understand, tell her that he's not very good at being a daddy, and that it's absolutely not her fault that he doesn't spend good time with her - that not being good at being a daddy, he concentrates his attempts on her sister - but that she is fully as loveable and worthy of anyone's love as her sister is.

Reply to cybershrink

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