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Question
Posted by: Cheyenne | 2010/10/21

How do I get him to understand?

I have a 2 year and ten month old baby and a 5 month old baby.
Their father is very involved in the 2 year olds life, he pays maintenance and often sees her, when I need him to help me and take her for a while, he is always willing, he has been there from the minute I fell pregnant to this very day. Things for my 5 month old is very different though, I fell pregnant with her while we were seperated but trying to work on our relationship, when I told him I was pregnant he blew up completely and swoar at me, during the pregnancy we had a major issue that prevented me from including him in decisions made about her, so she therefore has my surname and names I have chosen for her. He has a HUGE issue with the fact that he was not included in the decision making, in a way I understand but at the same time it wasn''t possible to include him at the time. He doesn''t want to pay the same maintenance costs for her that he does for the older child, and he isn''t making an effort to have her included into his family life, he will take the 2 year old, but my baby doesn''t get considered, he has even questioned paternity but I can see in his eyes and body language he knows that this is his baby.I have suggested he take it slowly maybe start with taking her with him an hour at a time and slowly work up so that they can get used to each other, even if he takes her without the 2 year old for a while so that he doesn''t feel pressurised, but nothing and no suggestion I give to him is working. I have approached this subjected in many ways, I have gotten angry, I have been kind and understanding, I have tried to force it and I have decided to leave it, but still he cannot understand that this distinction he has made (and near rejection) of my baby is going to damage BOTH of my children. What do I do and say to make him understand that these girls come as one, as a single unit and should be treated equally in every aspect, that he he reject them both and stay away from both, or give the same amount of time, attention and love to BOTH of them?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Maybe you need a calm, sit-down chat with him about this. Maybe start by emphasizing how much you appreciate how well he relates to the older child. Then gently raise the point that you're worried about his relationship with the younger child. You appreciate that there were difficulties between you at the time, and presumably he did not want there to be another pregnancy at that time ( but he DID participate in the pregnancy - you can't do that all on your own ). Remind him that it is not the child's fault that there were difficulties at the time of her conception. Ask him to be big about this for the sake of his child. Make it clear that if he has any doubts at all about paternity, you are prepared to have the necessary tests done.
Maybe he feels you deceived him in some way, perhaps became pregnant deliberately to "trap' him into the relationship. But you need to help him realize this is his child, and innocent of any wrong-doin, and only keen to love him and to be loved by him.
OK, a maintenance COurt might require him to pay appropriate maintenance for both children, but you can't force anyone to love the child. If they spend time together, maybe at your place with both children there, he might get to know her better.

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Happiness | 2010/10/21

The more you beg is the more he feels good about himself (ego). Its just childish behavior from him and he''s trying to make you feel guilty about the whole surname thing. Stop begging him to love the baby, just know that he loves both kids but has issues of his own he needs to sort out.
Pretend you don''t care about his behavior, it will definately bruise his ego!

Reply to Happiness
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/10/21

Maybe you need a calm, sit-down chat with him about this. Maybe start by emphasizing how much you appreciate how well he relates to the older child. Then gently raise the point that you're worried about his relationship with the younger child. You appreciate that there were difficulties between you at the time, and presumably he did not want there to be another pregnancy at that time ( but he DID participate in the pregnancy - you can't do that all on your own ). Remind him that it is not the child's fault that there were difficulties at the time of her conception. Ask him to be big about this for the sake of his child. Make it clear that if he has any doubts at all about paternity, you are prepared to have the necessary tests done.
Maybe he feels you deceived him in some way, perhaps became pregnant deliberately to "trap' him into the relationship. But you need to help him realize this is his child, and innocent of any wrong-doin, and only keen to love him and to be loved by him.
OK, a maintenance COurt might require him to pay appropriate maintenance for both children, but you can't force anyone to love the child. If they spend time together, maybe at your place with both children there, he might get to know her better.

Reply to cybershrink

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