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Question
Posted by: Janet | 2010-10-26

How do I deal with an insecure person

My partner is quite insecure. He keeps asking me if I have spoken to other men, and when I reply ''of course not'', he says ''are you sure?'' This drives me nuts, first that he has to keep asking and secondly that he has to double check I have not made a mistake with my reply, in other words he thinks I am lying.

How can we have a future if he thinks I am lying to him? How do I prove something that has not happened? Why should I have to prove nothing has happened?

There is no history of cheating to make him insecure, he is just insecure and always has been.

Is it my responsibility to make him feel better about his own issues?

This is driving us apart because I am not very empathetic about his insecurity.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

OK, you're describing someone with really significant personal problems needing psychological care soon, and which shouldn't be allowed to go unattended and to cause problems for you as well as him. He needs help to sort out his inferiority feelings and low self-confidence, and to become comfortable in the real world, where men and women talk to each other every day, without this usually or inevitably meaning illicit relationships are starting up.
You can't have a happy future with someone like this, who has no confidence in himself or you - but if he recognized that he has a real problem, and saw a psychologist sincerely for helping dealing with it, this could probably be sorted out.
Its not your responsibility to treat him for his problems, and besides, you're not licensed as a shrink. But encourage him to get the help he needs, and perhaps make it clear you have no intention of continuing a relationship with him until he has done this and settled his unfinished business.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

6
Our users say:
Posted by: Ruby | 2010-10-27

Yep, run - as fast as you can. This is totally controlling behaviour - and it will get worse.
I mean, really, are you never going to talk to a man? Ever? WHat about the bank teller, the plumber, the mechanic?

It isn''t your fault or your responsibility. At the end of the day, ask yourself: can I live with this for the rest of my life? Especially if it might get worse?

Reply to Ruby
Posted by: Happiness | 2010-10-27

Run like wind!!
He''ll drag you down to his level and before you know it you are not allowed to have any friends or contact with the outside world.

Reply to Happiness
Posted by: Purple | 2010-10-27

Good gracious - why are you still with this guy? Its only going to get worse from here. Normal people in relationships talk to other people of the opposite gender, what''s abnormal is his response and the need to question you on it. What is he going to say if you need to travel with a male colleague for work?

If you aren''t married, leave him now and tell him it is his ridiculous jealousy that has lead to it.

Reply to Purple
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010-10-27

OK, you're describing someone with really significant personal problems needing psychological care soon, and which shouldn't be allowed to go unattended and to cause problems for you as well as him. He needs help to sort out his inferiority feelings and low self-confidence, and to become comfortable in the real world, where men and women talk to each other every day, without this usually or inevitably meaning illicit relationships are starting up.
You can't have a happy future with someone like this, who has no confidence in himself or you - but if he recognized that he has a real problem, and saw a psychologist sincerely for helping dealing with it, this could probably be sorted out.
Its not your responsibility to treat him for his problems, and besides, you're not licensed as a shrink. But encourage him to get the help he needs, and perhaps make it clear you have no intention of continuing a relationship with him until he has done this and settled his unfinished business.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: just a thought | 2010-10-26

if this is a new relationship i would get out now
actually if it is an old relationship and this was happening i would also leave-if someone was continualy doubting my integrity i would see no reason to stay..................could you love someone you dont trust?what makes you believe he loves u?

Reply to just a thought
Posted by: Maria | 2010-10-26

Nope, not your responsibility. You can be supportive while he goes for therapy and sorts out his issues. What I also suggest you do is read a book called The Five Love Languages to find out how you can best show your love for each other and meet each other''s needs.

Reply to Maria

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