advertisement
Question
Posted by: A | 2011-11-17

how do i break off this friendship

we have been friends for many years on and off since i can remember. and this friend is always going through a difficult time for years now and i''ve always been there for her and trying to help where i can. she is going through a rough patch now being told she going to be retrenced end of dec and always moving around with her daughter. she is forever having problems with the people she stay with and then end up having to move. her own sister asked her to leave their home and the rest of her family could care less of what she is going through. i have been helping her find another job and forever helping find a place to stay. the problem is i''m forever having to listen to her problems and complaints and seriously getting fed up with it all. i know it''s tough her being a single mother and everything she''s going through but instead of complaining you should find a resolution to your problem. i''m always good enough when she is having problems and needs help but when things goes well for her she has no time for me and have a bunch of other friends that she spents her time with. she contacted me first this time because she needed a place to stay knowing that i have my own house. and frankly me and my boyfriend have agreed that we do not want anyone staying with us. whenever i''m around her i feel negative. i''m expecting and really don''t want to be burdened with her problems or feel negative. i just want to enjoy my pregnancy and be happy. i feel like i''m being used and abused by her and am really tired of it all. i''ve been ignoring her but she insists to know what''s wrong. what do i do? if i tell her exactly how i feel what i have to stay is not going to be very nice. i feel like this friendship is all about her and ALL HER PROBLEMS. i''m really not getting anything from this friendship and want to end it

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sounds like your friend is really not skilled in natural life-skills and problem-solving, and prefers to have someone like you nintervene and help, rather than in gaining those skills herself.
One problem of conflict with the person kindly offering a place to stay can be simple misfortune, but such a series of identical problems suggests she is very much the cause of these events, and needs to take far more personal responsibility for the situations she creates around herself. And as you suggest, she needs to take effective action to help herself, instead of whining to others.
Not taking personal responsibility for her bad choices and behaviours sounds like a common theme through all this. Nobody forced her to become a single mother, or to squabble with so many hosts, and surely at least some of her work problems could have been avoided.
For her to neglect you except when she needs help is shabby. Don't feel any obligation either to listen to her whining or to take her into your home. Suggests that she instead seek counselling, and talk with ( and stay with ) her fair-weather friends. Tell her you have your own problems and needs, and must concentrate on coping with your own affairs and pregnancy. Tell her you have done your best over the years to be helpful, and feel unable to come up with any fresh ideas or ways to help, and hope that some of her other friends may have more useful suggestions. Wish her well and say goodbye.
Don't be apologetic nor unpleasant, but assertive and firm. Do not acept her invitations to feel guilty. Maybe imply that she is one of several people you have previously helped, and who you are now having to withdraw from, to deal with your own needs.


The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

5
Our users say:
Posted by: Regular | 2011-11-17

Hi K
Hope all is well with the jelly bean and you are having a great pregnancy.
Kindest Regards

Reply to Regular
Posted by: Mom | 2011-11-17

i can relate my dear.have a friend just like that.i am fed up with her i dont contact her anymore.The last time i tried finding her a job with r7000.00 as start,i had to make th foolow ups on her to ask if she did call the people,she didnt,lost their numbers,i have to find them and call her back.then she cant get hold of them because she didnt cal them when she was suposed to.js draining.And guess what they took people with no experiense because they were serious abot this job.when she eventually got hold of them they told her its too late.
Then she comes tell me abour her having bad luck.
Shes been with her cheating and abusive boyfriend since 2003 they have a baby and staying at his home and hes not taking care of the baby and she cant manage with the salary she is getting.she also calls when shes in trouble.She also moved in with me and my man a while back but i souldnt take it anymor as shed walk in short things in the house if not towels.i figured ths is ooooo not worth it.i can go on and on.
They are just draining my dear.let her go.

Reply to Mom
Posted by: Purple | 2011-11-17

These types of people don''t really want to resolve their problems, they like to wallow in misery and drain you of energy.

I know I''m not the world''s most compassionate person, and I have great sympathy for someone in a tough spot, but generally there are ways they can resolve the situation, but they will find a reason why each and every possible solution wouldn''t work.

Tell her what is wrong. It''s not going to be nice, but take her hout for a coffee or meet her somewhere public so she is less likely to make a scene. Tell her that you feel drained by her constantly whining about her situation yet never doing anything proactive to change it and that you have reached the end of what you can cope with anymore. That she has no interest in your problems, its always about her and you are finding the friendship very one sided. Tell her that when she is ready to appreciate you for the friend you are and have been, that you would welcome an invitation to join her somewhere, but that it is up to her now to sort her own life out and mature enough to the point where she can maintain a symbiotic friendship (you don''t have to actually tell her she is a bit of a parasite).

The other option is to continue to ignore the situation and when she asks what''s wrong, fob her off until one day she just gives up and leaves you alone. I''m quite direct, so I prefer to tell people the problem. She can then decide if she wants to resolve things or cut you out of her life.

Reply to Purple
Posted by: Maria | 2011-11-17

People like that are unfortunately not good at taking a hint. You will have to be direct and brutally honest with her, as difficult as that may be. Tell her that you think it is best that you part ways and if she insists on a reason, say that you want to concentrate your energies on your own family and your new baby, and unfortunately no longer have the time and energy to devote to other people''s problems. She will act terribly hurt but don''t let her put you on a guilt trip - you have done enough for her and it''s now time that she starts doing things for herself.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011-11-17

Sounds like your friend is really not skilled in natural life-skills and problem-solving, and prefers to have someone like you nintervene and help, rather than in gaining those skills herself.
One problem of conflict with the person kindly offering a place to stay can be simple misfortune, but such a series of identical problems suggests she is very much the cause of these events, and needs to take far more personal responsibility for the situations she creates around herself. And as you suggest, she needs to take effective action to help herself, instead of whining to others.
Not taking personal responsibility for her bad choices and behaviours sounds like a common theme through all this. Nobody forced her to become a single mother, or to squabble with so many hosts, and surely at least some of her work problems could have been avoided.
For her to neglect you except when she needs help is shabby. Don't feel any obligation either to listen to her whining or to take her into your home. Suggests that she instead seek counselling, and talk with ( and stay with ) her fair-weather friends. Tell her you have your own problems and needs, and must concentrate on coping with your own affairs and pregnancy. Tell her you have done your best over the years to be helpful, and feel unable to come up with any fresh ideas or ways to help, and hope that some of her other friends may have more useful suggestions. Wish her well and say goodbye.
Don't be apologetic nor unpleasant, but assertive and firm. Do not acept her invitations to feel guilty. Maybe imply that she is one of several people you have previously helped, and who you are now having to withdraw from, to deal with your own needs.


Reply to cybershrink

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
advertisement