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Question
Posted by: Shelley | 2012/07/11

How can I help?

My best friend has been with the same guy for 8 years, they''ve been through break ups, make ups, miscarriages, cancer, him cheating on her etc. and have been living together for the last 7 years.

Recently my best friend went on holiday alone to visit someone and met up with an old flame and she cheated on her current boyfriend. I am furious with her and want to tell her she was a stupid cow but she says she is in love with them both and doesnt know who to choose. Her boyfriend says he loves her and even bought a ring and wants to get married but if she is so unhappy then he will let her go. He called me crying and asked me to please speak to her.

She says she doesnt know what to do and what if this old flame is the one and she makes a mistake by staying. I told her she owes it to her current man to give it a try - 6 months, if it doesnt work out and that old flame really loves her he will be there waiting. Problem is, she cant stop thinking about him and I am afraid she is not going to give it her all in her current relationship and they are all going to end up getting hurt in the end. What advise can I give to her?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sounds like her behaviour was a Bad Idea, but as though You may be a bit too emotionally involved in their lives, and maybe she needs to be MORRE involved in her own life ? Why are YOU crying about this, and apparently she isn't ?
She sounds foolish and careless, but that's her privilege, even thouygh it may have unfortunate consequences for her and others. This couple need to work this out themselves.
What does she need to be told, by you or anyone else ? That its unkind and usually seriously problematic to have affais like this ? That an unhappy should see a counsellor together and try to work things out, and, if that's not possible, should part and go their independent ways ? Surely she knows that already ?
At least tell her to stop mouthing that romantic twaddle about Anyone on earth being "the one". There is no such creature. And discourage her apparent tendency to give herself false and unhelpful instructions. Its nonsense, for instance, for her to say she CAN'T stop thinking about him - she isn't choosing to do so, but could if she really wanted to. People who keep telling themselves and others that they can't do something, never seriously try to do so, and thus make themselves fail.
Yes, if she carries on this way everyone involved will get hurt. She should try behaving like a responsible adult rather than a moony adolescent girl, and make responsible decisions and behave responsibly to minimize the hurt all round

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Our users say:
Posted by: Shelley | 2012/07/11

Yes, I must say I was annoyed that I got dragged into this and I am the one feeling more eaten up by the situation than she is, I mean I couldnt sleep worrying about them.

They are both such good friends I cant stand to see them hurting but yeah, its not my responsibility to fix this I can''t be their emotional crutch.

Reply to Shelley
Posted by: Digital_Sex®  | 2012/07/11

< Shelley> 
The Doc is right, this is an important decision for her to take and she needs to be grown up about it (I think that your friend is excited because more than one man is after) as much as this is exciting she does need to take a serious constructive decision about it.

Tell me why did she go on a holiday alone? Somehow I think she knew what she was doing going on that trip and she probably knew that she would hook-up with the old flame.
Did she perhaps go because the relationship was too hard for her? If she reacts like this and seeks help in another man then she will do the same thing with the old-flame (and the next, and the next). She just needs to pull up her socks and see what is important to her.

... Digital_Sex® 

Reply to Digital_Sex&#174&nbsp;
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/07/11

Sounds like her behaviour was a Bad Idea, but as though You may be a bit too emotionally involved in their lives, and maybe she needs to be MORRE involved in her own life ? Why are YOU crying about this, and apparently she isn't ?
She sounds foolish and careless, but that's her privilege, even thouygh it may have unfortunate consequences for her and others. This couple need to work this out themselves.
What does she need to be told, by you or anyone else ? That its unkind and usually seriously problematic to have affais like this ? That an unhappy should see a counsellor together and try to work things out, and, if that's not possible, should part and go their independent ways ? Surely she knows that already ?
At least tell her to stop mouthing that romantic twaddle about Anyone on earth being "the one". There is no such creature. And discourage her apparent tendency to give herself false and unhelpful instructions. Its nonsense, for instance, for her to say she CAN'T stop thinking about him - she isn't choosing to do so, but could if she really wanted to. People who keep telling themselves and others that they can't do something, never seriously try to do so, and thus make themselves fail.
Yes, if she carries on this way everyone involved will get hurt. She should try behaving like a responsible adult rather than a moony adolescent girl, and make responsible decisions and behave responsibly to minimize the hurt all round

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/07/11

Sounds like her behaviour was a Bad Idea, but as though You may be a bit too emotionally involved in their lives, and maybe she needs to be MORRE involved in her own life ? Why are YOU crying about this, and apparently she isn't ?
She sounds foolish and careless, but that's her privilege, even thouygh it may have unfortunate consequences for her and others. This couple need to work this out themselves.
What does she need to be told, by you or anyone else ? That its unkind and usually seriously problematic to have affais like this ? That an unhappy should see a counsellor together and try to work things out, and, if that's not possible, should part and go their independent ways ? Surely she knows that already ?
At least tell her to stop mouthing that romantic twaddle about Anyone on earth being "the one". There is no such creature. And discourage her apparent tendency to give herself false and unhelpful instructions. Its nonsense, for instance, for her to say she CAN'T stop thinking about him - she isn't choosing to do so, but could if she really wanted to. People who keep telling themselves and others that they can't do something, never seriously try to do so, and thus make themselves fail.
Yes, if she carries on this way everyone involved will get hurt. She should try behaving like a responsible adult rather than a moony adolescent girl, and make responsible decisions and behave responsibly to minimize the hurt all round

Reply to cybershrink

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