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Question
Posted by: Anon | 2009/11/18

HOW 2 SUPPORT HER/THEM?

Hi Doc

My best freind has found out that her husband is cheating. this is the 2nd time and she doesnt know what to do and she is constantly calling me, crying, etc. I have been supportive but recently I find that I can not take it anymore,I dread her calls because at the end of it I am depressed myself.

the husband and my husband are friends even though my husband says he did nt know about this, I keep wondering if he not just covering up for his friend or even worse if he is cheating as well. I realise that this is unfair.

I am getting iritated with my friend for not standing up for herself. even though she has not said it, I think she is thinking of forgiving him. How can she after all the pain he caused her? I am angry with the guy for doing this to her and us.

We have been friend with them for years and our kids paly together etc and the whole thing is a mess and we are caught in the middle.


please any insights will help. Thanks

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I agree with Leila.
She has just a few choices - either she decides that he is allowed to cheat whenever he wishes, and then she must stay with him and stop crying about it or even complaining about it p;
or she must decide that his cheating is unacceptable, and as he has done so again despite her already forgiving him once, she will not tolerate this and should consult a lawyer and divorce him, making sure he has to pay full paintenance for the children ;
or if he is sincerely prepared to change, he must join her in proper marriage counselling, eg through FAMSA, and revise his selfish behaviour.
And you can remind her of thesem choices, and emphasize that if she is just going to allow him to continue to cheat, you can't accpt that she does so and still keeps calling you to weep on your shoulder - you are not prepared to support her in accep[ting his infidelity.
It must be frustrating for you, as there is something you could do, in advising her ( as outlined above ) - but if she won't take your advice, there's no real point in her calls.

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Leila | 2009/11/18

Tell your friend to contact FAMSA - also... she must make up her mind either she stays with him and thus condones his cheating or she must get out of the marriage.

Yes, there are kids, but if she is so unhappy this will affect the kids and wouldnt it be better to be out of the marriage and happy???

There is only so much you can do, and by putting all her troubles on your shoulders, she is making you doubt your husband who quite possibly didnt know about the friend cheating.... so rather get her off to counselling before it puts undue pressure on your relationship with her and your relationship with your hubby!

Reply to Leila
Posted by: cybershrink | 2009/11/18

I agree with Leila.
She has just a few choices - either she decides that he is allowed to cheat whenever he wishes, and then she must stay with him and stop crying about it or even complaining about it p;
or she must decide that his cheating is unacceptable, and as he has done so again despite her already forgiving him once, she will not tolerate this and should consult a lawyer and divorce him, making sure he has to pay full paintenance for the children ;
or if he is sincerely prepared to change, he must join her in proper marriage counselling, eg through FAMSA, and revise his selfish behaviour.
And you can remind her of thesem choices, and emphasize that if she is just going to allow him to continue to cheat, you can't accpt that she does so and still keeps calling you to weep on your shoulder - you are not prepared to support her in accep[ting his infidelity.
It must be frustrating for you, as there is something you could do, in advising her ( as outlined above ) - but if she won't take your advice, there's no real point in her calls.

Reply to cybershrink

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