Posted by: Lost | 2009-04-05


Dear doc
I am the last born, the unwanted child. For the majority of my life i did everything my parents wanted me to do,to get their approval, i did ballet,my mums idea,i changed primary and high school twice. My dads idea to get my subject choice granted to study what my parents wanted me to do. Today i am 24 graduated with a national diploma in civil eng, drive a car,that gives me endless stress, but they made it clear that they would only support me if i bought that car. My choice in friends should carry their approval always and i like a muslim guy,my mum would freak cause we are that is offlimit. Anyhow i feel lost ,drown. I dont know who i am,but only who they want me to be. When i am unhappy,raising my opinion is out of the question. Is it me or what. My older siblings can do as they please but i always stand corrected. I am no friends,no boyfriend. I am at wits end. For how much longer can i go on. Please help

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Our expert says:
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I am certain that last-born children are not usualyl unwanted ; and though sadly, some children may to some degree be unwanted, by insensitive parents, they may be anywhere within the borth order, depending on other circumstances. It's sad, too, when parents make any child feel they have to earn love and respect, rather than giving it gladly. And to make you keep jumping through hopps hey constructed, and to believe, falsely as it happens, that you have to keep getting their approval. You are obviously an intelligent and skilled woman, qualified in a field that needs many more people, especially women. Your choice of friends is yours, no theirs.
Work towards your independence, and finding out who you want to be, and how to get there from here. You don;'t need to debate it with them, or to convince them. Don't seek conflict, but make it quietly clear that you are quite old enough to be independent, to make up your own mind, and to have at least as much respect and independence as your older sibs. Seeing a counsellor might help you plan this, and to find the confidence to enjoy your well-deserved independence.

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