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Posted by: He hit me | 2009/02/24

hopeless

My boyfriend hit me on Sat night,we had an argument and he started insulting me.I had about 3 ciders prior to the argument,and he is now accusing me of having been " drunk" ,he has even told my mother that I' m a drunk and he merely was " calming"  me down.I don' t call punching,and slapping me in the face " calming"  me down.Our son witnessed this I left on Sunday to spend the afternoon with friends,when I got back,I noticed a change of attitute in my son' s behavior,he has been getting all sorts of treats.I live in a town where I have nobody to go to,my family lives far away from me,I cannot get my own place,I' m sitting with a bank balance of -R14.We have been going through a lot of things emotionally,death of 2 close relatives,he lost him mom and I just lost my sister.He doesn' t talk about his emotions and everytime he gets frustrated,he takes it all out on me.He knows that I love him,and I have nowhere to go,and he is using that against me.regardless of all this,I don' t hate him,I worry about him a lot,he is having probles at work,with his father and family and instead of approaching the people who hurt him he keeps it inside and waits for me to mess up,and by mess up I mean,maybe leave the fridge door unopened by mistake,maybe not hear him when he is calling me from the bedroom,and finance issues.He earns about 6 times my salary,so I obviously cannot contribute equally to the day to day runnings of the house,and that also is apparently my fault.For the first time in a long time,he admits to having being wrong for the " other stuff"  but refuses to take admit that he actually hit me.I have no money,no plan and a heart that refuses to let go of this person.He never used to be like this,and I have this thing in my mind that he can change,we had a good thing going,I must admit,I also have made mistakes in the relationship,he is not all bad,I' m not all good.My head is telling me exactly what I should do,but I cannot go anywhere but on the street which I fear a lot,I cannot put my job at risk,because the debt that I' m is because I was trying to keep up with him financially,now that the debt bug is biting me he is using all this against me.I know exactly what you are going to say CS,I just needed to tell someone...thanks for reading this

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Punching and slapping is abuse, and calms nobody down. But it sounds as if you are btoh under a lot of stres and not coping with it at all well. Have you considered suggesting to him that you become jointly involved in relationship counselling, eg through FAMSA ? It needn't be expensive., and it sounds as though he can afford it.
But above all, protect yourself. If there is a branh of POWA within reach, contact them to discuss the situation and explore alternative options

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: been there too | 2009/02/24

My ex tried the same stunt of bad mouthing me to my mother, it didnt matter to me. He said he was going to kill himself, I told him to go ahead. he handed himself over to the police after I had been to the police station for protection while I packed my stuff, I didnt care anymore. I never answered his phone calls and never read his sms either. I had nowhere to go, but I had to go, dats all I knew.

Now 4 years later I live to tell the tale and am doing very well for myself. I mean really well.

what I am trying to say is LEAVE HIM.

Reply to been there too
Posted by: been there too | 2009/02/24

My ex tried the same stunt of bad mouthing me to my mother, it didnt matter to me. He said he was going to kill himself, I told him to go ahead. he handed himself over to the police after I had been to the police station for protection while I packed my stuff, I didnt care anymore. I never answeres his phone calls and never read his sms either. I had nowhere to go, but I had to go, dats all I knew.

Now 4 years later, I' ve never heard from him, and am doing very well for myself. I mean really well.

what I am trying to say is

Reply to been there too
Posted by: LEAVE HIM | 2009/02/24

stop making excuses for yourself and for him. nothing in this whole wide world can prevent you from leaving if you really wanted to.

so many women have done it, stop being scared, leave.

Reply to LEAVE HIM
Posted by: you can do it | 2009/02/24

Girl nothing in this whole wide world will prevent you from leaving that man if you really want to. lots of women have been there, done that and moved on with their lifes.

You need to stop making excuses for yourself and for him. Just leave because staying will make him bully and abuse you even more.

Reply to you can do it
Posted by: you can do it | 2009/02/24

Girl nothing in this whole wide world will prevent you from leaving that man if you really want to. lots of women have been there, done that and moved on with their lifes.

You need to stop making excuses for yourself and for him. Just leave because staying will make him bully and abuse you even more.

Reply to you can do it
Posted by: hopeless | 2009/02/24

Mandy,Thanks so much,I hate calling myself that too,I want to leave,but he uses our son to threaten me,he says if I leave he gets him and if I go home,I' ll lose my job,I hate myself for getting myself in this mess.

Reply to hopeless
Posted by: Mandy | 2009/02/24

Hopeless - I dont like to call you that as I am sure you are not.
You need to go home and prove to your family that you are not a drunk. That much you owe yourself and kid. The fact that he cannot communicate but rather to explode is enough reason for you to go. He is a coward not to acknowledge his wrongs but only idnetify yours. This is emotional and mental abuse/blackmail, whatever you want to call it. this is his way of bringing or rather breaking you down to his level. Get out know. Mental abuse is worse that physical because you have bruises and they go away. Mentally they stay in you and you will need to go for councelling to cure your battered soul. Please get out for you childs sake.

Reply to Mandy
Posted by: hopeless | 2009/02/24

HI Mandy,my mom lives 3 hours away,I want to go home soooo much and talk to her about these things.I want her to hug me and tell her everything,he has attempted to turn her against me by calling her telling her I' m a drunk,but like you said blood is thicker than water....

CS,it is true,we are both under a lot of stress,but the difference between him and I is that I talk about my stress and he doesn' t.He instead lets it pile up and then it all explodes,and I get to suffer.He is too proud to even admit to his wrongs,he even said last night that " he is afraid of me" .It is every single time I approach him about something he did wrong,he shoves it to the side and would rather focus on my wrongs making me feel like a loser.It is frustrating,I doubt he' ll even agree to counselling,he is too proud

Reply to hopeless
Posted by: MAndy | 2009/02/24

Hello Hopeless

My daughter packed her bags and left on Friday. She too was tired of being a punch bag. She too thought that she had nowhere to go. We as her family welcomed her back home with open arms. her brother gave up his bedroom for her just to have her back. I dont know what your situation is with your family but believe me they will not turn their backs on you. Blood is thicker than water. If he punched you once its for life. There is hope. Go back to your family. God is good.

Reply to MAndy

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