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Question
Posted by: KY | 2010/10/11

Honest Advice

Hi
Doc this is a long one.
I need an honest opinion of the choice I am going to have to make. Do I stay or do I go?
My hubby and I have been married for 6 yrs and dated for 4 yrs prior. We have a toddler. I suffer from depression and have been in hospital for treatment. I have a good job to support my family however my husband has an adhoc job of buying and selling property using me as his guarantor. He thinks his pastime is gambling. He’ s made and lost alot of money from it. The only problem is that I keep bailing him out of debt (money I should be using to pay my bills or sign my son up for moneynastics). He has helped max out my credit cards. Sold my car and gambled it away, extended my bond and gambled it away. We have no relationship. I care for him. We haven’ t had sex in 3 years. He’ s just so manipulative. He makes everything feel like I am at fault. He is a dreamer. He was retrenched a few years back and I thought he was going to be involved in property however he seems to gamble his earnings away in a bid to make money. When he does have money, he does buy things for the family and spends it freely on the family but I can’ t live like this anymore. I can’ t cash in any more retirement funds or reduce life policies to pay for our debt. Whats more is I don’ t know if we have grown apart so much that I don’ t love him anymore?
Please help me? Do I take our child and start a new life or do I try fix our problems?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sounds mighty like he is using you, even in his "business". Tell him calmly that from now on you will not rescue him from ANY debts whatever, and will concentrate on getting and keeping yourself out of debt. No "pastime" costs so much of other people's money.
Nobody makes money on gambling, except for casinos and suchlike, who grow rich on the way that men like your husband share the delusion that they will win. The odds are all carefully calculated. Occasional "wins" are there just to keep him motivated ; over-all, he will never win.
And devoting oneself to the delusion that he will become wealthy by gambling is also a sign of someone who wants non-existent magic, and is simply not prepared to actually work for money.
Stop utterly and totally, funding his gambling - what good does that do for anyone ?
It would be impossible for you to fix your ( and his ) problems together, unless he completely and sincerely acknowledges that there are serious problems, especially with his behaviour, and shows himself prepared over an extended period to work hard with a counsellor / therapist to change his selfish and foolish behaviour.
Maybe you need to see a personal counsellor for some sessions, to clarify what would be best for you and the child - it doesn't sound as though he wil have any true interest in those important issues

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4
Our users say:
Posted by: Addy | 2010/10/11

You need to seperate at least - and he has to go to gamblers anonamous - the Gambling board can help him find it. But yes, you def need to get away from this very sick environment.

They say that if you allow something once it was a mistake but if you keep on allowing it you are a willing participant.

Good Luck

Reply to Addy
Posted by: Phil | 2010/10/11

Charity begins at home. He is dragging you and your child down, and he does it shamelesly. Let him go, let him go and find himself, there seems to be nothing between you and him, he is basically a parasite. And that is only good one way. Put you, and your child first. He needs to learn responsiblity. Sorry, normally I ould always say try and safe things. But on this one, I have to give very negative advice.

Reply to Phil
Posted by: Maria | 2010/10/11

There is no point in trying to fix your problems unless he wants to change. At the moment he is using and abusing you.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/10/11

Sounds mighty like he is using you, even in his "business". Tell him calmly that from now on you will not rescue him from ANY debts whatever, and will concentrate on getting and keeping yourself out of debt. No "pastime" costs so much of other people's money.
Nobody makes money on gambling, except for casinos and suchlike, who grow rich on the way that men like your husband share the delusion that they will win. The odds are all carefully calculated. Occasional "wins" are there just to keep him motivated ; over-all, he will never win.
And devoting oneself to the delusion that he will become wealthy by gambling is also a sign of someone who wants non-existent magic, and is simply not prepared to actually work for money.
Stop utterly and totally, funding his gambling - what good does that do for anyone ?
It would be impossible for you to fix your ( and his ) problems together, unless he completely and sincerely acknowledges that there are serious problems, especially with his behaviour, and shows himself prepared over an extended period to work hard with a counsellor / therapist to change his selfish and foolish behaviour.
Maybe you need to see a personal counsellor for some sessions, to clarify what would be best for you and the child - it doesn't sound as though he wil have any true interest in those important issues

Reply to cybershrink

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