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Question
Posted by: KB | 2008-11-27

Holidays with Inlaws!!!!!

Hallo Doc, I really don' t know how to handle this, since i' ve married to hubby,i' ve never had peace with inlaws, at first there were many talks that since i married their son he changed a lot, he no longer loves them and he no longer visits them, but the when we visit the mother and sisters in laws did not talk nice to me, they used to sit alone while i did the hosue chores , they talked things about me, when i was there i used to be tired because of serving them and doing all kinds of things, one day i let my daughter to visit them, but when i think of the way they treat me when i' m there i told hubby that we must take our daughter home, my hubby is very understanding beacuse he knows how they talk especially his younger sister, there' s lot i can mention here, so now they want us to visit them but how do i tell hubby that i don' t want to go there. i don' t want my hoildays to be spoiled please help. How, what do i do?

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Our expert says:
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If they can't be polite enough to treat you both well, don't visit them --- it's not compulsory to visit them ! Simply tell your husband that as they continue to behave badly towards you, you don't want to visit them again, nor to have your daughter visit them, as this would spoil the holidays for you. And thank him for being so understanding about this --- which will encourage him to remain understanding.

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Our users say:
Posted by: HOPE | 2008-11-28

Hi KB
If I were you, I will visit them, I know its tiring and emotional draining, but for the sake of you marriage and kids, please reconsider. Someone close to me did that and the HB supported her, but in the end, the HB turned against her and blamed her for turning him against his family.

KB, blood will always be thicker than water, those people are his family and you will never replace them. His mother will always hold a special place in his heart, no matter what. You might be the mother of his children, but you will never be his mother.

You do not have to get along with them and frankly, you don’ t have to do everything in the house. Just do what you can and leave everything. If they talk, let them talk, that’ s what in-laws do, they will never be satisfied with anything a stranger do, mind you, you are one, and this is reality. However, you need to stand the ground, draw the line and learn to say no to them. Just don’ t do what you will not do in your house
Believe me when I say, cutting you in-laws out of your family life have its own replications, especially in

Mpho

Your husband when he was still young, I am quite sure he uses to visit other relatives in his family, including you for that matter. What you are doing is quite low, you stopping to their level. What the difference between the two houses, I thought maybe you will welcome you in-laws, especially in you house where you have the authority and control of everything and show them how a human being needs to be treated.
Have you consider that those children who wants to visit just really want to visit without any alteria motive. Please, don’ t punish children because of the sin of their parents. What about you family, do you do the same thing to them. Do they have to sneak in when your HB is not there?
From when I stand MPho, you are just a biter, you really needs to work through that before it comes and bit you somewhere else.

Reply to HOPE
Posted by: Mpho | 2008-11-27

KB

the best is to avoid the outlaws. i was treated like i had no family by mine. worst case my hb stands with his and i am always the wrong one. i dropped a trip i had looked forward towards the whole year thru since my mum-in-law was coming along and this was agreed upon between mum and son. they take my happiness during the year and now my resting time - so i gave the honour - and did the trip succeed, no!
i have laid a foundation that i dont visit them and they must not visit me. my situation was ugly since at one point involved family court and the police. mind i stay in my own house not ask anything from them but the forever are asking money, groceries, wanting to send other children over for visit - when does one get time to reconnect with oneself. Worst they dont appreciate your value in their child' s life. i told them tough luck - that is my house and they are not welcome. My hb is weak so when i am not home they visit but when i am around i have a piece of mind. i am expecting my second child and due any moment yet i want nothing to do with them. Just tell your husband how you feel - he seems to be supportive.
Good Luck.

Reply to Mpho
Posted by: Spooky | 2008-11-27

You sound like a wonderful person. Don' t feel under obligation to be dictated to by them. If your Hubby really wants to visit them, let him do it alone. You are not their slave and he is not your boss. It is perfectly acceptable (and normal) to avoid those in life who make you unhappy. Don' t be bad friends or argue with them, but be open and honest with your husband. Explain that you you need him at times like these - after all, you love him and married him - NOT them! Encourage him to go on his own if it helps. Explain that you don' t want to make excuses but that you simply don' t feel welcome. Personally, I don' t hate my outlaws, but they are not my cup of tea and therefore i never visit them - not ever! This solved my problem.
Good luck &  God bless.

Reply to Spooky

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