Posted by: Anonymouse | 2008-11-19

Holiday fling

Hi there,

I'  m a 25 yr old white male. About a month ago, I went to Pietermaritzburg from Cape Town on Holiday. I'  ve lived in Cape Town for 6 years after going to high school in KZN Midlands. I have subsequently moved to Pietermaritzburg... to... um... be with my holiday fling... I mean to find a job etc. Well, I got a few friends, that were necessary for my return, to keep a secret from the Holiday Fling, that I was moving here. I thought, by the SMS'  s and phone calls, that she would be pleased and we could continue from where we left off. I'  ve just come out of a fairly hectic relationship: date, sex, honeymoon period, living together for a while, feel like a married couple, share our deepest darkest secrets, feel like a married couple on the brink of divorce then a very messy break up.
So, I'  ve moved here, completely relocated my entire life, to be with her, I mean, to work. So ja, we surprise her. She gets the night club where she works, I run outside. We had told her there was an emergency and we needed her there ASAP. (I'  m a permanent VIP at the club, so I often go there earlier to hang out with the staff/friends). She comes to find the manager to ask what the emergency, so we start walking inside, because the manager had seen her arrive. We walk through the door and the manager says loudly, "  Hi <  <  Girls name>  >  !!"  and I walk in after him and say "  Hi <  <  Girls name>  >  "  . She'  s like OMG!!

So we go inside and do the whole hug thing and that'  s when it hits me, she didn'  t expect me to actually come back. She had made a decision that it was only a holiday fling.

Now, obviously, being a male and having certain sexual desires (the sex was absolutely great, like OMG type stuff, best ever, for both of us), I expected just to walk in and we would just continue from where we left off. Now, I'  m not really in the right place for a relationship and she says she isn'  t either. BUT, I want to carry what we had. Hugs, kisses and sex. I'  m not promiscous, but when you have the best ever, you tend to want to continue with that.

Various problems that have arisen:

1. Ex-girlfriend still had feelings for me, but didn'  t want a relationship and we'  re (were) still in love with each other.
2. When she found out about the fling and that I had slept with someone else, she had a complete break down and stopped talking to me.

3. A week ago, on Saturday Night/Sunday morning, I had a car accident, while on the phone with <  <  Girls Name>  >  . I was shi!tting all over her about how I had moved all the way from Cape Town to be with her etc. I was really laying into her. I feel really bad about it. But, when I had the accident and was still on the phone with her, I told her that I had just had an accident and needed help. She arrived with a friend of ours and they took charge. I spoke to the ex-girlfriend while at the accident scene telling her what happened etc. I totally broke down and was a complete mess and she was trying to placate me. NOTE: DO NOT DRINK AND DRIVE OR TALK ON THE PHONE WHILE DRIVING.

4. The following Thursday night, while I was at the club, I got totally rat faced again. I had combined my anti-depressants with a serious amount of alcohol. I got home and started Dialing under the influence. I spoke to <  <  Girls name>  >  and apparently told her I was totally, desperately in love with my ex-girlfriend. Don'  t why I said that. Oh well, then I called my ex-girlfriend and um... called her <  <  Girls name>  >  . It was all a blur and I don'  t actually know what I said. I also called my mom, and straight away she told me that I was being selfish and hung up the phone. I haven'  t had any contact with her since then :(

5. Now, I'  ve stopped drinking and I'  m not staying at the club till 4am anymore. But, <  <  Girls name>  >  is obviously there, which makes it all the more difficult. We are trying to being friends, because she really is a great girl. Seriously friendly and everything my ex wasn'  t. I really miss that holiday fling.

NOW, we'  ve discussed starting a relationship, but we'  ve concluded, to my dismay, that we aren'  t ready for it. We'  ve both come out of serious relationships that went pear shaped. BUT I'  m complete infatuated with her. I just want that holiday fling back. I want to hold her in my arms, kiss her soft lips and... do what we were doing when I was on holiday.

What do I do? I want that fling back. I want to be able to know that when I get home, we will have fun again. If we can have a fling and see where it takes us, I would be very happy. I can'  t talk to her about this because I'  m very shy. I miss our marathon dance sessions on the dance floor to heavy metal (it'  s actually quite fun) and then going back to my place and doing our thing then waking up together, in each others arms.

I really want this to work out. If only I could go back and made a decision on what we would do if I ever return. From the sms'  s she sent me and the phone calls, I got the impressions that she WOULD want something when I got back. It may be because we did surprise her. Maybe if she knew, things would have gone smoother when I got back here.

I'  m now in a very good job and things are going well. I'  m glad I moved here, but I would like it more, if we could carry on. She does still like me and I like her, but how do I convince her that we should give it a try? Start by continuing the fling and if it leads somewhere, it'  s cool, but if it doesn'  t, then it'  s ok too.

HELP! I miss her (what we had) so much. Please give me some advice :)

Sorry it'  s so long, but I just had to let it all out and try get advice from someone with experience. I do have a psychologist and psychiatrist but they are in Cape Town. I feel so helpless at the moment.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

A fling, once flung, can't be re-flung.
sideways suggestion about reading your posting aloud to yourself, would be therapeutic

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Our users say:
Posted by: v | 2008-11-19

u remind me of a friend of ours...he is also on antidepressants and has girl trouble etc... Why don' t u sort your life out... go and speak to a counselor and get help... i am not trying to be nasty but it seems that u have some underlining issues as welll

Reply to v
Posted by: Irritable | 2008-11-19

Geez bro, you should write a book like how Mr B did!!! You are selfish... that' s all i can say about you!

You just want to use the poor girl/stripper/ waitress, whatever she is....

Reply to Irritable
Posted by: sideways | 2008-11-19

Dude!! WTF!!!??? Seriously now, based on a little fling and a few sms' s you moved cities for a girl whilst still in love with another girl and only because you wanted a fling to continue? I don' t judge because I know that intense conflicting emotions can lead a man to do starnge things, but seriously, read your posting out aloud to yurself and it should become very obvious to you what you should be doing. You' re lucky you have found a good job and are happy to be in PMB for other reasons.

Reply to sideways

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