Posted by: NN | 2010-04-22

his past baggage/hurt has an effect on our relationship

I have been with my bf for 7 and a half months. He is 42 and I am 26. He got divorced a few months before we met. So I am his first gf. He was married for 20 years and they got divorced because the wife cheated on him. He then forgave her and she cheated on him again with the same guy. This happened about 3 or 4 times before they called it quits. Needless to say she is no longer with this guy and calls my bf everyday to beg him to take her back and he wants nothing to do with her. Ok so when we first met things were great and so on. We decided to have a break from each other for the month of Feb this year just so we could have a breather. When we got back together, things changed. He does not email me or sms me like he used to. He won’  t send me a text telling me to have a good day or that he misses me. Not once has he told me that he loves me and not once in the 7 months has he ever spoilt me. so now it is so bad between us that it honestly feels like I am dating my brother. I confronted him about it and he said that the divorce has messed him up and he really wishes things were not like this so he could give us a proper chance. He says it is going to take a year or two before he can fully get over the divorce. He says that I am not wasting my time by being with him and that he genuinely likes spending time with me. He see each other nearly every day and his friends and family love me to bits. The thing is that he is a good guy and I like being with him. But how long do I wait for someone like him. Someone who has so many issues and baggage. I want someone to spoil me, someone who is crazy over me and someone who loves me. My bf says that right now he can only take one day at a time right now. It hurts so much and I do not know what to do anymore!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageDivorce support expert

When I see people who are going through a breakup I urge them to be honest with themselves and recognise the signs, early on in the relationship, that were an indication that their relationship would not last. Some relationships do last many many years, decades sometimes, but the truth is, the signs that things would not last are there from the start. People though hang on, not because they are in love with a person but because they are in love with the idea they have of that person.
You are very young and have your whole life ahead of you. You want to be with someone who loves you and who is there for you, unconditionally and you deserve that person too. Although most relationships need at times some guidance to grow, being with someone we love and who loves us back shouldn't be an effort, especially this soon.
I suggest that you think deeply about what you need and want and what you are getting and look for the signs...which incidentally you have already spelled out rather clearly, and make the best decision for your future.

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