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Question
Posted by: nn | 2010/04/22

His past baggage/ hurt as an effect on our relationship

I have been with my bf for 7 and a half months. He is 42 and I am 26. He got divorced a few months before we met. So I am his first gf. He was married for 20 years and they got divorced because the wife cheated on him. He then forgave her and she cheated on him again with the same guy. This happened about 3 or 4 times before they called it quits. Needless to say she is no longer with this guy and calls my bf everyday to beg him to take her back and he wants nothing to do with her. Ok so when we first met things were great and so on. We decided to have a break from each other for the month of Feb this year just so we could have a breather. When we got back together, things changed. He does not email me or sms me like he used to. He won’ t send me a text telling me to have a good day or that he misses me. Not once has he told me that he loves me and not once in the 7 months has he ever spoilt me. so now it is so bad between us that it honestly feels like I am dating my brother. I confronted him about it and he said that the divorce has messed him up and he really wishes things were not like this so he could give us a proper chance. He says it is going to take a year or two before he can fully get over the divorce. He says that I am not wasting my time by being with him and that he genuinely likes spending time with me. He see each other nearly every day and his friends and family love me to bits. The thing is that he is a good guy and I like being with him. But how long do I wait for someone like him. Someone who has so many issues and baggage. I want someone to spoil me, someone who is crazy over me and someone who loves me. My bf says that right now he can only take one day at a time right now. It hurts so much and I do not know what to do anymore!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

With any rebound romance, be cautious and take your time. He is VERY likely to be going through grief and other complex emotional responses to the discovery that his wife sheated on him repeatedly and lied to him. That takes time.
You are expecting far too much from him art this stage, and this risks the chances of this developing in to a lastingly happy relationship.
And notice your complaint - you complain that he doesn\t "spoil" you, or tell you he loves you, or send you fond messages - do you do these things for him ?
You CHOSE to start a relationship with a man in this situation, and if you wanted "someone to spoil me" and be very visibly crazy about you, you chose badly, and in a way unfair to him.
Either be patient and support him in the healing he needs to do, or part as gently and kindly as you can, and look for a guy free to "spoil" you as you wish to be spoiled.
You sound obsessed with your own relatively trivial sense of "hurt", and to have no genuine symnpathy for his very real and major hurt.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

3
Our users say:
Posted by: Been There | 2010/04/22

GIVE HIM UP...u are too young. don''t mess up ur life... 2nd marriages hardly ever last. a man''s wife wife will always remain THE WIFE... move on

Reply to Been There
Posted by: mpho | 2010/04/22

give him time to heal, he is still grieving his loss. he is honest with you, i guess he does love you. just dont put pressure on him

Reply to mpho
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/04/22

With any rebound romance, be cautious and take your time. He is VERY likely to be going through grief and other complex emotional responses to the discovery that his wife sheated on him repeatedly and lied to him. That takes time.
You are expecting far too much from him art this stage, and this risks the chances of this developing in to a lastingly happy relationship.
And notice your complaint - you complain that he doesn\t "spoil" you, or tell you he loves you, or send you fond messages - do you do these things for him ?
You CHOSE to start a relationship with a man in this situation, and if you wanted "someone to spoil me" and be very visibly crazy about you, you chose badly, and in a way unfair to him.
Either be patient and support him in the healing he needs to do, or part as gently and kindly as you can, and look for a guy free to "spoil" you as you wish to be spoiled.
You sound obsessed with your own relatively trivial sense of "hurt", and to have no genuine symnpathy for his very real and major hurt.

Reply to cybershrink

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