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Question
Posted by: bongi | 2010-01-31

His financial problems are pushing us apart

My partner has no control over his finances and is in deep denial. Ever since i have met him he has been like this. I have been supporting him with top ups when he doesn have petrol money to go to work or he doesnt have food at his house etc. i knwo im not great at my finances but at least i ensure my basiscs are catered for and then i dotn have money to socialise and that is fine wiht me. he does not prioritise as i do. last year i sat him down and did a budget with him. i loaned him some money to tie him over for the rest of the month. the arrangemet was that he would pay me back and stick to the budget when he got his bonus. i did get my money back but he did not stick to the budget and decided to splash out oevr the december period.
i did not question his action cos i did not want to mother him, i though i had doen my part by helping him budget so i was not even aware how much bonus he had recived. i just had an idea.
Now again in Janury i find out hat he did not settle the things we had planned that he should settle. he is arraers with his car payments and was supposed to finish those last month but didnt. he came to me again for a loan and i said NO because i am tired of bailing him out especially because he is not making means to get himself out of the situtaion and keeps overextendign himself. he asked me to get an increase on my credit card to which i lied and said it was declined. now he has become very distant and i cant deal with him mopping around as if the whole world has done him over. so i stopped contacting him cos being around him was just draining. he gets really depressed when he has no money and refuses to come to the land of the living. my efforts to get him to accept the situation and deal with it(bcos it his fault after all and there is no miracle money) have been in vain. i feel like im failing in my duties as a galfriend in supporting him. i have tried to get him to change the behaviour. i have been supportive and eventually i have cracked and confronted and judged him abt his finances after all this time. but i can also take so much. how do i get him to re-ingage in the relationship now because all the other aspects of the relationship are falling apart. we dont even talk nor touch each other anymore cos hes depressed about money...

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

It is important to speak of things acurately. Your partner CAN control his finances, but does not do so. It is HIS responsibility that he doesn't bother to do so, not some weird external force that prevents him from doing it.
And the big question I DON'T hear you asking is - where does he waste all his money ? IF it isn't repaying debts, p;aying for household expenses or the car, or petrol for it - WHAT does he spend it on ? Is he alcoholic or a drug addict ? Is he gambling it away ?
As lomng as he can depend on you to bail him out, he won't bother to be adult and responsible.
You have no duty whatever to support a deliberaely irresponsible bum, who seems to feel the world owes him a living.
He's not "Depressed about money" - he's sulking and feeling sorry for himself.
What's an intelligent and capable woman like you doing, haning onto a loser like him ?
It may seem hard, but your support is encouraging him to stick to self-damaging bad habits. And you arfe stgrong enopugh and good enopugh not to need to buy a relationship

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Liza | 2010-02-01

I have problems with financials too. I budget every single month - and then don' t follow the budget much. One thing I did to FORCE myself to budget and have money towards the end of the month is this - I opened a 32 day account. On payday, I set up an automatic transfer to put at least R500 into the 32 day account. Then in the middle of the month, I add an instruction to pay R400 into my regular account 32 days later. It took 2 months to set up, but it' s actually WORKING. Come the 20th of the month, I still have money for taxi fare to work. Previously I would have to walk to work (at least it' s only a 45 minute walk) when the money ran out. I haven' t walked to work or back since I set up this middle of the month bailout.

But your boyfriend is first going to have to admit that he has a problem with financials and then he' s going to have to come up with solutions to his financial problems. You definitely don' t need to be there to bail him out financially. If you stop bailing him out and he' s still interested in you - then he isn' t just interested in the money. If you stop bailing out and he decides to bail out of the relationship. GOOD RIDDANCE!

Nobody needs a leech unless they' ve been bitten by a snake and the best thing to suck out the poison close by just happens to be a leech.

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: qwerty | 2010-02-01

I think you' ve been remarkably patient with this man, and you' ve obviously tried your best to get him to take responsibility for his own life and finances. But despite your best efforts, he obviously has no desire to change and better himself.

So leave!

You' ve done everything and beyond anyone can reasonably expect you to do, and at this point, you need to start looking out for yourself. The guy is a parasite, and he is draining you. You deserve better!!!

Reply to qwerty
Posted by: Carly | 2010-01-31

Please Bongi leave this man- he is using you. He may say the right things or do the things you want that make you think he loves you but he' s just saying or doing those things because he loves your money. And considering you say he' s been like this since the duration of the relationship proves he' s in it for the money- most people who have financial difficulties don' t burden their new partners with their problems. It' s rude, to be quite frank. Had you not bailed him out in the beginning, he probably would have left you. He is going to DRAIN you and once you can' t provide for him anymore, he' ll find some excuse to leave you (like you' re too controlling because you plan a budget for him, or you' re too selfish because you don' t want to help him- ANYTHING). And even though he didn' t leave you when you didn' t help him, he knows it' s because you' ll crack and help him eventually.

Reply to Carly
Posted by: CP MOM | 2010-01-31

Why would you want a man like this to re-ingage in a relationship with you? You say when you met him he was like this, why do us women always think we can change men? This is who he is and he will ALWAYS find an ENABLER. If it' s not you it will be another new girlfriend before you it was another girl before that a best friend before that his parents or or or or or that' s how these guys live.

Girlfriend MOVE on - as a woman you want a man who is good to YOU and who can give YOU nice things and pay for dinners etc...

Yes you may love him or think that you do but trust me HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU.

And you know why these guys get what they want coz THEY ARE NICE! Think of all these users and abusers....they wyould not get away with what they did if they were nasty....

He' s only " into you"  when you are bailing him out....cut the strings and then you' ll see if his love is still so strong, it' s easy to love someone who' s paying for most things.

Move on.

Good Luck
Love Mom

Reply to CP MOM
Posted by: CP MOM | 2010-01-31

Why would you want a man like this to re-ingage in a relationship with you? You say when you met him he was like this, why do us women always think we can change men? This is who he is and he will ALWAYS find an ENABLER. If it' s not you it will be another new girlfriend before you it was another girl before that a best friend before that his parents or or or or or that' s how these guys live.

Girlfriend MOVE on - as a woman you want a man who is good to YOU and who can give YOU nice things and pay for dinners etc...

Yes you may love him or think that you do but trust me HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU.

And you know why these guys get what they want coz THEY ARE NICE! Think of all these users and abusers....they wyould not get away with what they did if they were nasty....

He' s only " into you"  when you are bailing him out....cut the strings and then you' ll see if his love is still so strong, it' s easy to love someone who' s paying for most things.

Move on.

Good Luck
Love Mom

Reply to CP MOM

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