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Question
Posted by: Sarah | 2011/09/19

Hiding something or not?

Hi CS, pls help if you can, my fiance is being very secretive with his phone lately, switches it off when he gets home from work and now and again he will switch it on check messages and switch if off again. His phone is also permanently on silent. When i asked him about it, we ended up arguing and his reaction was that if i feel he is not good enough for me or i cant trust him then i must leave him. he said work bothers him after hours and thats why his phone is off. I dont want to push him away but i really feel he is hiding something from me. How can i get over this insecurity? Pls can you post me a link of something to read or give me advise just to calm my nerves and my head. It doesnt help fighting with him because he doesnt say or do anything to make me feel better but i dont want to lose him. Everything else in our relationship is fine, he is still loving towards me and we spend alot of time together but im so afraid im in a relationship with a wolf in sheep skin. How will i know? Pls help. I have also had bad experiences in my past with infedility and i dont know if it is just my past haunting me :(

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Of course there may be nothing else going wrong, other than this sudden change in behaviour, but it has to look suspicious. People who suddenly start taking strenuous security precautions about their cell-phone while at home, are usually up to something they don't want you to know about.
And when he protests so loudly about your inability to trust untrustworthy behaviour, it often means he is indeed up to something, and choosing to attack as a means of defence.
If indeed it is simply that he doesn't want to be bothered by unnecessary work calls after hours, he wouldn't of course have any objection to showing you his phone and its contents. And if he didn't want to be bothered by work messages - why would he periodically check such messages ? And of course he'd be happy to show them to you, to demonstrate what a nuisance they are.
Fighting about it helps nobody, so its more an issue of calmly talking about why it bothers you, and how he could best set your mind at rest.
He should know of your previous bad experiences, and perfectly understandable desire for re-assurance.

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/09/19

Of course there may be nothing else going wrong, other than this sudden change in behaviour, but it has to look suspicious. People who suddenly start taking strenuous security precautions about their cell-phone while at home, are usually up to something they don't want you to know about.
And when he protests so loudly about your inability to trust untrustworthy behaviour, it often means he is indeed up to something, and choosing to attack as a means of defence.
If indeed it is simply that he doesn't want to be bothered by unnecessary work calls after hours, he wouldn't of course have any objection to showing you his phone and its contents. And if he didn't want to be bothered by work messages - why would he periodically check such messages ? And of course he'd be happy to show them to you, to demonstrate what a nuisance they are.
Fighting about it helps nobody, so its more an issue of calmly talking about why it bothers you, and how he could best set your mind at rest.
He should know of your previous bad experiences, and perfectly understandable desire for re-assurance.

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