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Posted by: HI | 2009-12-21

HI

Hi, i know a friend of mine, a guy, he never forgets anything and keep the past against a person, like he never forgets and dont know how to forgive. When we have a disagreement he always bring up old stuff to use against me and gets really angry. I, in turn do the same and bring up the past to make him feel bad about himself, as to defend myself. I am only doing it, cos i feel the need to stand up for myself. I mean what is his problem, always blaming and never taking responsibility for doing wrong. I guess he learned it from his mother cos she never wants to be wrong.how to deal with this, u the expert.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

One of the many disadvantages of his sort of memory is hat he becomes overloaded and burdened by grievances, and it gets harder for him to remember the good things about people and about his life. It does, indeed, sound as though he learned this from his mother And so he's always fighting every old batle, again, and losing them all.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Sorry | 2009-12-22

Disagree, u sound like a type who also find it hard to forgive!! something doesnt sound right in ur post.

Reply to Sorry
Posted by: HI | 2009-12-22

Listen to me nicely, he has a past that he needs to deal with and it hurt him, now he takes it out on every women close to him because of his childhood, i am not blaming, i am looking for advice, who are you to judge, ask the psych maybe something is wrong with you because if you see something wrong with me there also might be some blaming wrong with you.

Reply to HI
Posted by: Not meaning to sound harsh | 2009-12-22

read your message again. who is the one blaming? you. I do not mean to sound harsh but you sound like the type of person who can make lots of mistakes and then expect everyone to forgive and forget. if you did not mess up in the past then there would be no old stuff. always look at what you are doing wrong.

Reply to Not meaning to sound harsh
Posted by: Disagree | 2009-12-22

If he keeps bringing up the past then it must mean there are certain things that are still bothering him. Everyone deals with situations differently. We are human and do not think and feel the same. It is very easy for the person in the wrong to say forgive and forget. When someone hurts you or says hurtful things to you - it stays with you. you can forgive but never forget. Our brains dont operate in that manner where you can choose what to forget. Things (good and bad) that have really impacted you - will always stay in your mind.
If he is still your friend after such a assumingly painful past then you should be lucky to have that person still standing by you.
Communicate. Never ever leave anything unsaid. But always remember that human have hearts, so becareful how you express your feelings. His mother is not who he is. People are not always like their parents. remember that you may actually be the problem and not the other person. I am 62 and have experienced many things in my life so trust me on this. goodluck.

Reply to Disagree
Posted by: jupiter | 2009-12-21

theres no real love in their hearts if they cant forgive, but then sometimes its hard for people to forgive because maybe they experience hurts more painfully than other people, some people have more love than other people within them, if you are full of love then you will automatically forgive and forget quickly and not keep a record of whats been done to you. Also depends on how they were raised - if there was no real love then they may not understand love, how to accept and give love.

Reply to jupiter
Posted by: Mrs awesome | 2009-12-21

my bf does thet too.or if im the angry one he will turn it around and tell me what i did to him in da pst and we end up fighting.or if im hust he will turn it and make it like hes the one with far worse things so hes the one who should be hurt.i end up doing the dame to him as i am tired of being nice to him

Reply to Mrs awesome
Posted by: cybershrink | 2009-12-21

One of the many disadvantages of his sort of memory is hat he becomes overloaded and burdened by grievances, and it gets harder for him to remember the good things about people and about his life. It does, indeed, sound as though he learned this from his mother And so he's always fighting every old batle, again, and losing them all.

Reply to cybershrink

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