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Question
Posted by: GoodGirl | 2012/07/03

He''s breaking up with me

I''m so lucky that I work in a private office where I am alone, because I am devastated.

I have been with my fiancé  for nine years (formally engaged for a few months). We met when we were young (I was 16, he was 20). We share a flat, have pets, travel to work together. We''ve had our bad times, VERY bad times, but also our good. I thought we were in a good space at the moment (except for my driving him crazy with my coughing). We''ve been talking about our future wedding, buying a property, heck we''ve even been talking about names for our future kids!!!!!!

Then he sends me a message this morning stating that he thinks we need a break. He spun me the whole " it''s not you, it''s me"  story. He says he doesn''t know if he loves me, he''s tired, he doesn''t want to do this anymore. He doesn''t think we''re soul mates.

I''ve done so much for him... I''ve believed in him when no one else has. I''ve made sacrifices for him (and him for me). When his family left him down in the dirt (because he is with me, they don''t like me AT ALL), I was there for him and my family accepted him.

I give him his space, he goes out with his friends, etc. He can play his playstation for hours on end... I don''t always moan at him to turn it off. I cook for him. I clean (and he does some cleaning too). He works much longer hours than I do, and harder, so I try make things as easy as possible for him at home. His friends have told him plenty of times that he''s so lucky to have a girl like me.

I''m so devastated, and the fact that he chose to do it by SMS! I mean, we''ve played a big role in each others lives for years, and now he''s leaving me hanging with a million pets that I''ll need to look after now, rent that I can''t afford to pay by myself, the fact that I''m coming home to a dark, lonely flat....


We were each other''s " firsts"  and have been each other''s " only" . I''m petrified he goes and experiences other girls (some of his friends are always teasing him that he''s only been with one girl). I don''t know what I''d do if he does.........

I''ve never had to deal with this before, I don''t know what to do!!!!!!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

So he is 29, but behaving like 14 ? Also, I think there should be jail time for anyone who seeks to excuse their behaviour for any reason to do with the myth of "soul-mates".
And breaking up by SMS is cowardly and thoroughly bad manners.
He sounds pathetically childish, rather consistently. Maybe part of this is the problem of having committed to each other naively and far too soon, before either of you had any real experience of the world and of other people.
As Maria says, though it may take tyou a while to recognize this, you are better off without this ungrateful leech. I agree that you should urgently discuss this with all your mutual friends, and get them to push him to pay his normal share of the rent for at least 6 months so you can reasonably look for a smaller place for yourself, and share the care and expenses of the pets. If he is not prepared to be reasonable, consider consulting a lawyer to see if you have any cause for action against him.
And try to get this in proportion - its no disaster if he goes and offers his pathetic self to other girls - many would have the sense to refuse him, and few if any would put up with his demands for slave labour and unquestioning lurv. I also suspect that before long he'll find it unpleasant not to have someone to do all that you used to do for him, and may try to sneak back. If this happens, do NOT rush to accept him back, but take your time, with a counsellor's support if needs be, to review whether he truly adds any genuine value to your life

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Our users say:
Posted by: cebi | 2012/07/05

yes it may be hard and painful but bealive me you time heal all wound. worry not about him just focuss on getting your life on track and focuses on the brighter side of your future. his part in your life may be over just start a new charpter of your story. you will see he will want to come back.try and get an affordable space and the pets well you can always give them to the saps if you fell that you cant take care of the.

Reply to cebi
Posted by: tikka | 2012/07/04

I know what you feeling coz i have been their already and it is not an easy road. the days will seem longer, the nights will seem empty and that hollow in your tummy will never fade.....but trust me it will eventually become easier and things will retun to happy days once you take that step of finding peace from within. try and get yourself closer to God, it helped me through my most difficult times, only god has the power to deliver you into happier times. only you have the right to be sad or happy and not him, dont let him take control of your life......just live life the way you want and forget about others for once, think about you make you number one.

Reply to tikka
Posted by: kk | 2012/07/04

Girl,don`t waste your energy on negative things that will make you feel worse.its better that he did it now before marriage and that he didn`t cheat on you.i`m in the same situation,but married with two small babies.i know its hard,but try to go out more and get new friends or catch up with old friends.it works.Don`t harrass him with sms` and phone calls.this is just a step in a better direction for you.his loss.

Reply to kk
Posted by: Maria | 2012/07/03

He sends you and sms and leaves you with all the responsibilities, unable to pay rent??!! Good grief, how emotionally immature is this guy? I''m so sorry you have to go through this but to be honest, it sounds as if in the long term you will be better off without him. A relationship must be a two way street, and the way you describe it he has been doing most of the taking and you most of the giving. Can you get those friends to at least put some pressure on him to do the right thing - helping you with the rent for a couple of months and taking half the pets? Take care.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/07/03

So he is 29, but behaving like 14 ? Also, I think there should be jail time for anyone who seeks to excuse their behaviour for any reason to do with the myth of "soul-mates".
And breaking up by SMS is cowardly and thoroughly bad manners.
He sounds pathetically childish, rather consistently. Maybe part of this is the problem of having committed to each other naively and far too soon, before either of you had any real experience of the world and of other people.
As Maria says, though it may take tyou a while to recognize this, you are better off without this ungrateful leech. I agree that you should urgently discuss this with all your mutual friends, and get them to push him to pay his normal share of the rent for at least 6 months so you can reasonably look for a smaller place for yourself, and share the care and expenses of the pets. If he is not prepared to be reasonable, consider consulting a lawyer to see if you have any cause for action against him.
And try to get this in proportion - its no disaster if he goes and offers his pathetic self to other girls - many would have the sense to refuse him, and few if any would put up with his demands for slave labour and unquestioning lurv. I also suspect that before long he'll find it unpleasant not to have someone to do all that you used to do for him, and may try to sneak back. If this happens, do NOT rush to accept him back, but take your time, with a counsellor's support if needs be, to review whether he truly adds any genuine value to your life

Reply to cybershrink

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