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Question
Posted by: Anon | 2012/09/04

Helpless

Dear CS
This is going to be a long post, but I''ll try to keep it as brief as I possibly can. My son has a child from an early relationship when he was very young. Him and the mother split up and he met somebody else, married her and had 2 further kids and moved to another Province. My grandsons mother also got involved with a man and had another child but is no longer with the father of the child but somebody else. In all this time I have been very much part of my grandsons life. His mother then decided that her life was out of control, sent the child to his father in JHB but the stepmother is not kind to him - she is really awful but this is all behind my sons back. When the child has spoken out, nobody wants to believe him as his wife is very nice in front of him and does her nastiness to the child behind his back. the child is completely out of sorts, is acting out in school and is just so very unhappy. It has become so bad that I no longer talk to my son as he says I am mad and his wife is just fine with the child. I have had first hand experiences with her (with my son present) but this latest issue has come from somebody who lived with them for a while - My son doesn''t want to hear it. In the meantime, his mother knows exactly what is happening but is selfish enough not to get her life in order an dget the child back and make things right for him! I am at my wits end and my I am completely heartbroken because at the end of the day, nobody is thinking JUST about the child - I would desperately want him to come and live with me so that I can care for him but how do I get them to see what is best for the child and not anybody else? Please CS I am desperate for some advise...

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hello mother ; Nowadays, people have much more complicated relationships and child-bearing, don't they ? And they seem not to pay enough attention to the effects on the children they create and too often leave behind, of the choices they have made.
And isn't it a real tragedy that so many people don't believe a child when they reveal that they are being abused or otherwise cruelly treated ?
Think of this poor lad, whose mother has chosen to get her own life into such a mess that he knows she has rejected and discarded him, and now he finds his father's new wife doesn't want him either.
Your son is, at best, indulging in Wishful Thinking, not wanting to think that his wife could be unkind to the child, and refusing to look ibnto that very real and common possibility.
I hope that other readers with more experience in such matters can provide some helpful suggestions here. Maybe it'd be worthwhile asking child welfare authorities to get involved and to get someone with real child psych skills to properly assess the little boy, Maybe they could consider giving you custody of the child for at least the time being.
Sorry to hear that your son isn't wise enough wither to face the truth about what's going on, or to listen to his mother's advice. If he care's so little for the child, would he object to the idea of the boy living with you for a time ?

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3
Our users say:
Posted by: sisa | 2012/09/05

I agree with the previous reply, TELL YOUR SON YOU NEED TO LIVE WITH YOUR GRANDCHILD.

Sometimes children who have been neglected and are raised by numerous people are problematic. It is possible that this child is being abused but it is also possible that he does not feel he is treated fairly by this woman &  he knows she is not his mother. The boy has to also compete for attention as there are other kids in house &  is probably dying inside.
As for the boy''s mother, if she cannot be a primary care giver to this child, how does he expect the other woman to fill her gap?
It must be difficult to raise somebody''s child because you do not have freedom in disciplining them either. Somebody will always be watching your back and you dare scream at a child that is not yours (when you can also scream at your own child without anyone complaining) , then you are cruel and are a gossip topic.

Reply to sisa
Posted by: Gogo | 2012/09/04

Just tell your son that you need to live your grandchild

Reply to Gogo
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/09/04

Hello mother ; Nowadays, people have much more complicated relationships and child-bearing, don't they ? And they seem not to pay enough attention to the effects on the children they create and too often leave behind, of the choices they have made.
And isn't it a real tragedy that so many people don't believe a child when they reveal that they are being abused or otherwise cruelly treated ?
Think of this poor lad, whose mother has chosen to get her own life into such a mess that he knows she has rejected and discarded him, and now he finds his father's new wife doesn't want him either.
Your son is, at best, indulging in Wishful Thinking, not wanting to think that his wife could be unkind to the child, and refusing to look ibnto that very real and common possibility.
I hope that other readers with more experience in such matters can provide some helpful suggestions here. Maybe it'd be worthwhile asking child welfare authorities to get involved and to get someone with real child psych skills to properly assess the little boy, Maybe they could consider giving you custody of the child for at least the time being.
Sorry to hear that your son isn't wise enough wither to face the truth about what's going on, or to listen to his mother's advice. If he care's so little for the child, would he object to the idea of the boy living with you for a time ?

Reply to cybershrink

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