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Question
Posted by: Jo-Ann | 2011/11/22

Help with kids

Hi there, I am divorcing my husband of more than 15years after he had another fling with a co-worker. Although he denies having an affair everyone that had seen them together speak about their relationship. I knew from the beginning but tried to keep everything together. But now for my actual problem.
I have 2 boys with him that loves him although the youngest is more my kid as dad gave more attention to the eldest all along. The youngest is going to stay with me and the eldest with his dad, as I think he is to scared to tell his dad that he don''t want to stay with him. Both are very tempramental during this last phase we''re going through. They are being rude to me, but always give an apology afterwards. I really think the divorce is tearing them apart literally( the seperate living) and physically, and they don''t know how to handle the situation. I really try to be there for them on a daily basis but has on several occations told them not do be nasty to me if they are angry with someone else(dad). How can I handle this situation? What should I do to help them? Will the situation change, and will they cope? My whole life centres around both of them, and i do whatever I can for them, even doing myself in.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Obviously, divorce can be upsetting to the kids - not necessarily so, as I've seen kids happier when the tensions between their parents subside, and better than while the parents stuck together unhapilly and angrily. But the children's reaction is very much influenced by the mood and behaviour of the parents. So try to avoid bitterness and anger between you in situations where the kids will witness this.
I don't like the idea of separating the children from each other - there's no need for them to divorce, too !
I think it'd be better for them both to stay with you, and to visit their father when they wish to, up to an agreed maximum frequency of visits. I expect most child psychologists ( who you could consult to assess and discuss it with the kids and reveal their wishes ) would agree.
Where a marriage has been unhappy, most kids can understand a divorce between their parents, though there is a risk that they will blame themselves, and feel it might be because of something they have done ( or not done ).
But it will be much harder for them to understand why they are to be split apart.

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/11/22

Obviously, divorce can be upsetting to the kids - not necessarily so, as I've seen kids happier when the tensions between their parents subside, and better than while the parents stuck together unhapilly and angrily. But the children's reaction is very much influenced by the mood and behaviour of the parents. So try to avoid bitterness and anger between you in situations where the kids will witness this.
I don't like the idea of separating the children from each other - there's no need for them to divorce, too !
I think it'd be better for them both to stay with you, and to visit their father when they wish to, up to an agreed maximum frequency of visits. I expect most child psychologists ( who you could consult to assess and discuss it with the kids and reveal their wishes ) would agree.
Where a marriage has been unhappy, most kids can understand a divorce between their parents, though there is a risk that they will blame themselves, and feel it might be because of something they have done ( or not done ).
But it will be much harder for them to understand why they are to be split apart.

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