Posted by: ljm | 2008-11-18

help-wife depressed past abuse.

Hi There My name is Lee and I am 29. I love my wife dearly. Earlier this year she had an early miscarriage, after trying for 3+ years. Since then, she started to smok again, behind my back and we started to fight. I spoke to my doctor and he recommended she go back on the antidepressant she was on. She refused. So for a few month we fought etc, but I stayed. I suggested she see a pyschologist as she was blaming abused from her step dad, in the past, for the way she was feeling and the issues. Now my questions:
The Pyschologist advised her to sleep separate beds and will go through her past issues etc, this has gone on for 9 weeks and 9 sessions. I do not see an improvement.
Last week she was admitted to hospital for suicodal Ideations and depression(Although I think too much work).Now she back on the tablets. It has been about 5 months since had sex, as she says not comfortable, I am getting fed up now and not sure what more I can do.We still sleeping separate. Should improvement have been made? I have never once been involved to have a joint session.
The Pyschologist says would be happy to if wife was. I once smsed the pychologist, she informed my wife on the sms, is that allowed? Please advise. I think she is not doing her job correctly.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Personally, I am concerned that too many psychologists use old-fashioned and disproved methods based on out-moded psychoanalytic theories, and are unhelpful to people with a prior history of abuse, by insisting on digging back archeologically into the past and the details of the abuse, though it is common experience that this is upsetting to the person, and there is NO good evidence that this actually helps them. ON the contrary, CBT type therapy focussing on the present --- on what conclusions they have drawn from their experiences in the past, including abuse, and how these affect them in the present, on how unrealistic or unhelpful these habits of thought and expectation may have become, and on testing and adopting new and more fruitful ways of relating to what happened in the past, are much more effective in helping people in such situations.
If her stepdad abused her that was wicked of him and ugly for her --- but she can now be responsible for how she chooses to live, and she need not give a wicked old man the continuing power to disturb and upset her.
The ethiocal question you ask is actually complex. Generally one expects shrinks to maintain confidentiality. But in this case your WIFE is the shrink's patient, to whom she owes a duty of confidentiality, and you are NOT her patient, and could be seen as simply providing her shrink with some information which the shrink could consider relevant to share with her, indeed that there was no point in your communicating with the shrink EXCEPT for her to use whatever information you supplied, within the therapy

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Daniella | 2008-11-18

i am very sorry for your circumstances. Please do not give up on your wife. I have also been a victim of abuse by my grandfather though but have not nearly suffered the pain your wife is going through with the miscarriage. Abuse is something only the victims understand unfortunately and we don' t wish it on anyone else for just that sake. I also have problems now and then with my husband when i reduce my medication and the depression kicks in again. One question i have, is your wife professionally seeing a psychiatrist or a psychologist? i recommend the former (a psychiatrist) as her situation requires this. And as the cybershrink says as well, i advise against the type of therapy where she works through her past. I found this extremely detrimental to my life and healing progress. One thing i always kept in my mind was to focus on the future. I strongly recommend this to you and your wife. Make goals and plans for the future. In the beginning, this may be difficult but she will start to see this as a blurred picture in her mind that will in time become clearer.
I hope this helps

Reply to Daniella
Posted by: ljm | 2008-11-18

I understand. The sms I sent the Pyschologist was after my wife had come out of hosipital for depression and emotional breakdown, The pyschologist advised her to go in for rest. Said that i wanted a joint appointment with My Wife. I get the feeling that this person is treating her as if she was single and ignoring the effects. The pyschologist is youngish and think should be using new methods. The pyschologist said would only meet if my wife was comfortable with it. I have also requested to see her as a patient and she refused saying that may be a conflict or cause issue with her and my wife(Who seems obsessed by what she says). She (pysch) queried and eluded that my brother who is a medical doctor didn' t know what he was talking about. Even though he is registered with the royal college of GPs in uk and is SA trained. Does this sound like a good Pyschologist?

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