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Question
Posted by: Confused | 2009/12/07

Help RE: Ejactulation / Erection

Good Morning all,

I need some advice. I am married for about 2 years. My wife is not always keen on sex, but I want it often - the problem however, is when we do have sex, i end up ejactulating very quickly, because I am so excited. And I have an erection for between 7-8 minutes. Is that normal?

Last night we were having sex on the couch, and I ended up cuming very quickly, and that kinda pissed her off. Now she is accusing me of not being interested in her, and that she is not attractive etc.

Is there anything I can do to have a harder &  longer erection? Also how do I prevent myself from cumming before she does?

I am so confused right now... I really love her, and want to get our sex life flying (the amazing part is that we used to be very sexy (not sex) before we got married and now things are weird)

Thanks

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

Whilst it may be you ejaculating before your partner, and therefore seem like 'your fault', there are factors that you both need to bear in mind.
1. Most men take on average 2 minutes to come, most women take on average 13 minutes to orgasm. It is therefore necessary to take steps to delay your ejaculation if you wish to pleasure her first. (it is also normal that a man will gradually lose his erection after ejaculating - this will be quicker if he is aware that he has disappointed his partner in some way!)
2. If she is getting angry, that is only going to add pressure which will make your ability to control/delay ejaculation more difficult - she needs to be your lover not your enemy...

There are a number of options:
You can get a lose dose of an anti-depressant which has the side effect of delaying ejaculation...it may also reduce desire though and when you stop your ejaculation will return to how it is now. It would be useful therefore to learn ejaculatory control.

The best way to learn this would be through masturbation where you learn recognise your physical signs of excitement (e.g. heightening sensation, a sensation in your testicles, heart rate) and at which point you need to ease off before it's too late (i.e. when the 'twitching' begins, it's probably too late). One way to help with this would be to try scoring your excitement on a scale of 0-10, with 8 being the point at which there's no turning back. When you get to about 5 or 6/10 you need to start using delaying strategies. For example: slowing or changing the rhythm of the friction, trying to take some deep and slow breaths, and try tensing your pelvic floor muscles as if you are trying to stop the flow of urine. Once your arousal has reduced somewhat (e.g. to about 3 or 4/10), you can resume stimulation and repeat this process several times before allowing ejaculation to take place.

Ideally, attempts at penetrative sex stop whilst you learn this so that you can build your confidence! Your wife ideally needs to be part of this learning - if she's getting angry with you, then she needs to learn about the differences between men and women, and the role that each can play to assist the other. She could be a great help by coaching you through this, asking where you are on the scale, and encouraging you to use the strategies suggested. You stimulate yourself for the first few practice rounds (i.e. over days or weeks) and then once you have had some success, perhaps your wife could stimulate you, but she must slow down as and when you says to do so. Once you've gained confidence like this, you could move onto trying this intravaginally (i.e penetrative sex). This is likely to be much more difficult because of the sensations (warmth, moist) of the vagina so you should maybe slow your arousal down earlier than 5 or 6/10 to begin with. The best position to learn this would be with your wife on top so that you can focus all of your attention on your sensations, but you must remember to direct your wife to slow, stop, or start again as you need.

It's really important that these are 'exercises' though, and not 'sexual acts' as normal, otherwise you will feel more pressure to perform and your wife may feel frustrated - neither of these will help you with this learning process. Use other forms of pleasing each other during this time - oral sex, mutual stimulation (using above strategies for you), sex toys, etc.

Good luck and enjoy

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

2
Our users say:
Posted by: Woman | 2009/12/07

Confused, the two of you need to start talking openly about sex. Tell that the only way you can last longer, is if you have sex more. Also tell her that the more she has sex, the quicker and more she will orgasm. In the mean time, if you know that you are definitely going to have sex, masturbate before hand. That way you' ll be able to last longer. Also try to have long foreplay, and that she orgasms at least once before penetration.

It' s not fair that she gets p*ssed at you for not lasting long enough if she doesn' t give you sex more often. And she needs to know that.

Reply to Woman
Posted by: Sexologist | 2009/12/07

Whilst it may be you ejaculating before your partner, and therefore seem like 'your fault', there are factors that you both need to bear in mind.
1. Most men take on average 2 minutes to come, most women take on average 13 minutes to orgasm. It is therefore necessary to take steps to delay your ejaculation if you wish to pleasure her first. (it is also normal that a man will gradually lose his erection after ejaculating - this will be quicker if he is aware that he has disappointed his partner in some way!)
2. If she is getting angry, that is only going to add pressure which will make your ability to control/delay ejaculation more difficult - she needs to be your lover not your enemy...

There are a number of options:
You can get a lose dose of an anti-depressant which has the side effect of delaying ejaculation...it may also reduce desire though and when you stop your ejaculation will return to how it is now. It would be useful therefore to learn ejaculatory control.

The best way to learn this would be through masturbation where you learn recognise your physical signs of excitement (e.g. heightening sensation, a sensation in your testicles, heart rate) and at which point you need to ease off before it's too late (i.e. when the 'twitching' begins, it's probably too late). One way to help with this would be to try scoring your excitement on a scale of 0-10, with 8 being the point at which there's no turning back. When you get to about 5 or 6/10 you need to start using delaying strategies. For example: slowing or changing the rhythm of the friction, trying to take some deep and slow breaths, and try tensing your pelvic floor muscles as if you are trying to stop the flow of urine. Once your arousal has reduced somewhat (e.g. to about 3 or 4/10), you can resume stimulation and repeat this process several times before allowing ejaculation to take place.

Ideally, attempts at penetrative sex stop whilst you learn this so that you can build your confidence! Your wife ideally needs to be part of this learning - if she's getting angry with you, then she needs to learn about the differences between men and women, and the role that each can play to assist the other. She could be a great help by coaching you through this, asking where you are on the scale, and encouraging you to use the strategies suggested. You stimulate yourself for the first few practice rounds (i.e. over days or weeks) and then once you have had some success, perhaps your wife could stimulate you, but she must slow down as and when you says to do so. Once you've gained confidence like this, you could move onto trying this intravaginally (i.e penetrative sex). This is likely to be much more difficult because of the sensations (warmth, moist) of the vagina so you should maybe slow your arousal down earlier than 5 or 6/10 to begin with. The best position to learn this would be with your wife on top so that you can focus all of your attention on your sensations, but you must remember to direct your wife to slow, stop, or start again as you need.

It's really important that these are 'exercises' though, and not 'sexual acts' as normal, otherwise you will feel more pressure to perform and your wife may feel frustrated - neither of these will help you with this learning process. Use other forms of pleasing each other during this time - oral sex, mutual stimulation (using above strategies for you), sex toys, etc.

Good luck and enjoy

Reply to Sexologist

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