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Question
Posted by: Lovely | 2012-01-12

Help! Not ready for a relationship

Hi. I have a problem i broke up with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years who was really emotionally abusive and its been 6 months now. in this 6 months i have learnt to love and appreciate myself and i think that feel good inside reflects on the outside. I am not ready to get back to the dating scene again because i am happy where i am at, i know at age 30 i should atleast have a steady bf but i have been hurt badly by someone i thought was the one for me. so i met this nice guy and i thought let me give it a shot you know. But as we were talking last night at my place i picked up that i am completely not ready for this step in my life. Maybe he is a nice guy once you get to know him really well but i can not do this, my question is how to tell someone that you dont want a relationship with them in a nice but assertive manner without hurting their feelings.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

It is ALWAYS a very good idea to break up ( as safely as possible ) with an abuser, and it sounds as though you have used the time since then, well.
Talk with him pleasantly about the fact that you have been bruised by an ugly and abusive relationship, and you're still recovering from it. You find that you're impressed that he seems a really nice guy, but realize you are really not ready for a relationship yet. That you'd be pleased to have him as a friend, but realize also that this may not be satisfactory for him and would understand it if he would like to simply part in a friendly manner.
There are no rules about when you MUST have a stead relationship - it's entirely up to whatever proves best for you.
Beautifully put by Maria

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Our users say:
Posted by: Lovely | 2012-01-12

Oh Thank you all for your input, i will set up an appointment with him and just tell him basically what i have just shared with you guys.

Reply to Lovely
Posted by: Obvious | 2012-01-12

Maria says it all - brilliant.......

Reply to Obvious
Posted by: Maria | 2012-01-12

Who says you need to have a steady bf because you''re 30? I don''t think one can have a successful, mature relationship with someone else until you can be confident and happy on your own first. Just be honest with the guy. Tell him that you have been hurt badly, you thought you were ready for a relationship but you''re not. Just what you told us here, really. Tell him that he is not the problem and you don''t want to mislead him in any way, so you cannot be anything more than friends at the moment.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: XXX | 2012-01-12

You simply tell him without being ugly.Maybe you can be friends and go for coffee,a movie etc &  in time,you might feel ready to move to the next step.
If he respects you he will understand.

Reply to XXX
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012-01-12

It is ALWAYS a very good idea to break up ( as safely as possible ) with an abuser, and it sounds as though you have used the time since then, well.
Talk with him pleasantly about the fact that you have been bruised by an ugly and abusive relationship, and you're still recovering from it. You find that you're impressed that he seems a really nice guy, but realize you are really not ready for a relationship yet. That you'd be pleased to have him as a friend, but realize also that this may not be satisfactory for him and would understand it if he would like to simply part in a friendly manner.
There are no rules about when you MUST have a stead relationship - it's entirely up to whatever proves best for you.
Beautifully put by Maria

Reply to cybershrink

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