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Question
Posted by: desparate | 2009-09-07

Help!!!!! my relationship is in trouble

going thru a divorce, been separated for over a year, i met this great guy six months ago when i had no hope, he wants to marry me. everyting is great except for the sex. no foreplay, just a little touch and bam! we have not pationately kissed (im serious), he only does missionary style and very quiet i might add. he has not explored the inside of my vagina with his fingers, let alone his tongue. i went down on him twice, volunteringly but he made no sound, he just lays there, ive have requested him to change position before which he did but then just goes back to the original, i have hinted, does not help, i dont know how to approach him about this. i love sex and my hubby and i were very crazy in that depart, we explored everything. how do i deal with this, im so worried i will hurt his feelings, i really love him but cant see myself in a lifetime relationship with bad sex. i also dont want to leave him because of the sex coz he is so good to me. i am also very loyal and i am becoming tempted to cheat...just for the sex...please help













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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

Hi desperate
As you righltly say you dont want to be locked in a relationship where the disparity in desire is so great that sex becomes pointless. From what you describe, I get the impressiont hat your partner is quite sexually repressed and this will not change unless ther is a major intervention. Perhaps its just a question of knowledge ( if there is no foreplay there is a clearly a problem in this department) you do not say what your ages are - so it might just be inexperience or perhaps something more ddep rooted. There is no easy way out of this - You need to sit him down and talk about it ... and you can start with the basic need for foreplay - the restof te work should be to get him to a sex councellor where both of you can explore your feelings and needs.
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Our users say:
Posted by: Aneesa | 2013-11-16

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Reply to Aneesa
Posted by: Tom | 2009-09-07

Thanks Women - and i must thank you for your advise to Desparate. Women you seem like a really nice person, hats of to you also.

Reply to Tom
Posted by: Woman | 2009-09-07

Tom, hats off to you, I like a man who can apologise!! (Maybe you' re decent after all :)

Reply to Woman
Posted by: Tom | 2009-09-07

Despearte - my apologises to you - i am truly sorry. I will say it again hope everything works out for you guys.

Reply to Tom
Posted by: Woman | 2009-09-07

Tom, as a man, you read this message wrong, and you should apologise to desperate for your presumption that she' s desperate for sex. In fact she is desperate to have a pleasing sexual relationship with her boyfriend.

Desperate, subtelty is a women-thing. Men don' t get it. With a man, you have to be very to the point with what you want. And very vocal (when you touch me there, it feels soooo goood, hmmm, groan OR I want you to kiss me like this and over here, and if you want him to be vocal - do you like this? what if I nibble here... if you ask a question, he has to answer!)

I am glad to hear that you were just playing with Tom. Way too many women on this forum are easy to pick up. And it' s disgusting. (in my opinion off course)

Good luck with adding the extra spice to your relationship. Don' t loose hope, and soon enough you- and he- will be walking around with a perpetual smile on your faces :)

Reply to Woman
Posted by: Tom | 2009-09-07

Desparate - all the best and i hope everything works ouy between you guys. Should you need a friend to chat to.............

Reply to Tom
Posted by: desparate | 2009-09-07

relax dear (woman), the TOM thing, it was a joke, im not that cheap. i seriously posted this due to my frustration and i needed help or rather advise, like i said i have tried to communicate, maybe i was too suttle so like you guys advised, i will try and be more open and more direct, i love this man to bits and i will try everything to make it work....bye from me and thank youfor the advise.

Reply to desparate
Posted by: Tom | 2009-09-07

Women - well said and point taken. Just thought i could matbe assist a women in need. Also she seems that she is determined to do so - if not with me then it will be with someone else.

Reply to Tom
Posted by: Woman | 2009-09-07

Tom, if you were only using this as a sexuality forum and not a pick up bar, I might take you to heart. Using a sexual health forum to try to get sex is in extreme bad taste. Go somewhere else to get your sex fixes. This forum is for people to speak openly about sexual health and problems, and it should be without fear of being propositioned by others.

I am sorry, but how can you think yourself decent when you use a woman' s desperation (as she herself f put it) to try and get her to cheat on her boyfriend? How would you feel if your girlfriend is trying to do something nice for you and then tells you all about those guys who tried to pick her up instead of giving her usable advice?

Reply to Woman
Posted by: Tom | 2009-09-07

Woman its wrong for you just to judge. There are some good decent guys that post on this forum - you may be suprised.

Reply to Tom
Posted by: woman | 2009-09-07

Oh my. Tell me something... how can you be 32 years old and not able to voice your desires? Why are you so inhibited in bed? Have you ever tried saying: I am going to play a little game tonight. i am going to give you ten places to kiss - and you must. Then in 2 days time, you are going to give me ten places to kiss.

You can always also take charge. Tie him to the bed, blindfold him and then drive him nuts. I cannot understand how you can say your relationship is in trouble when it is perfectly obvious that you cannot even say the word vagina and penis. It doesn' t help to skirt around the issue, girl. If you want better sex, you will have to make it so. You' re dealing with a man after all remember? They don' t need much more than: " sex tonight?" 

But what bothers me most is that you can seriously entertain these desperate men who are obviously giving you an ego boost here. Is your self image so low that you would seriously entertain what Anon guy (a well known sexuality forum pick up artist) and Tom, who sounds so disgusting, i wouldn' t touch him with a barge pole, is suggesting?Do you know what you could be getting yourself into?

And this rather than working on your current relationship?

Grow up girl, if you want good sex, you have to teach your man how to pleasure you. No use moaning about bad sex if you aren' t doing anything to change it. 2 Blow jobs, like that' s gonna change anything. *sighs* YOU take in hand, YOU change your attitude, YOU teach your man how you want to be pleasured. YOU get to enjoy a great relationship and mind blowing orgasms. GET IT??

Reply to woman
Posted by: XXX | 2009-09-07

Some men and women are not into anything too wild but one can always try and teach them.If he does not want to learn then you better think about options as a lousy sex life will damage your relationship eventually.
He sounds like a selfish lover to me.

Reply to XXX
Posted by: Tom | 2009-09-07

In case you need me later on.......

Reply to Tom
Posted by: Tom | 2009-09-07

Despearte do you want to chat of this forum?

Reply to Tom
Posted by: desparate | 2009-09-07

thanx for all your responses, im 32 and his 37. i think he' s a little bit too old not to have experienced anything WILD!! i asked him once if he reads sexual books and or watches porn and he said NO!!! i personally dont like porn but i am even willing to try that if it will make a difference. Kelly i think u' re right, it wont be fair to just leave without at least talking, but i just dont know how to talk about it. anyone tried ' sexual counseling' , i just figured we could do it as part of our pre-marriege counseling..hows that?...and Tom, if none of this works, i might just take you up on that offer

Reply to desparate
Posted by: Kelly | 2009-09-07

I think you should sit him down and speak about it.
He might not even know, he might be shy...He might not have experienced anything different.
Get a sex tape and watch it together and tell him ' That' s what I want'  ! lol! Do something before you give up on him.
How old are you guys by the way?

Reply to Kelly
Posted by: Tom | 2009-09-07

i am available - i would kindly explore your whole body.

Reply to Tom
Posted by: Anon Guy | 2009-09-07

Desparate i think he is being selfish to you. Even after trying to hint to him its still the same. Although you love him and want to marry him - do you want to enter into a marriage where you are not sexually satisified. Maybe try talking to him, and see if you can get to the bottom of the issue. If not then i think you really need to reconsider.

Reply to Anon Guy

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