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Question
Posted by: mikky | 2011/05/05

Help me - Im losing it

This is such a long story and I need to summarise it.

I have a boyfriend of 3.5 years. We FIGHT all the time and its a combination of his committment issues (reluctant to make the same mistakes as his marriage that ended 3 years ago) and my insecurity,

My insecurity stems from a fear that I am not going to have a fair shot at ''life'' because he is so determined to ''take things easy and not repeat the same mistakes''.

We fight because I want him to move on and make a life with me (we dont live together) and he says Im pressuring him and all I want is marriage, kids etc. He says I should just be haopy to love him and everything else will come.

My problem is I dont have control over my emotions and as soon as I feel threatened. Like, my lease has come up on my house, and he is still not ready to talk about moving in together. I fly into a uncontrollable rage and accuse him of being commitment phobic.

I forget that through these 3.5 years that our relationship has been effectively ''reset'' so many times that a period of 3 months of good times is not enough to warrant a commitment.

I guess, Ive poured my whole life into this relationship with the expectation that there would be some ''return'' and now Im resentful.

Help me, I love him and I know I need to chill to let things take their course. But its hard for me to admit my own faults when I feel so strongly that if it wasnt for his disatrous marriage, he would have comitted a long time ago. Just feel like a viscious cycle and I need to break out of my own emotional state in order for things to calm down, so that we can actually see if there is a future.

Help me.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I hear so many reasons why this would be an unhappy relaionship and unlikely to work out, but no reassuring reasons why it should continue or be worth all the necessary work.
I'm an idiot about money, but your story reminds me of what successful money guys tell me about really unsuccessful investors - they put their money into an investment, some shares, maybe, amd while the value of the shares steadily goes down, they refuse to sell them on the basis of the money they originally put into these. So instead of losing some of their money and moving on to make more successful investments, they insist on sitting on a bad investment as it becomes worth less and less.
Why are you clinging so stubbornly to this particular relationship ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

6
Our users say:
Posted by: ???? | 2011/05/05

I was in the same position , he promised never to marry again etc etc, after 2 , 6 months decided to move on he wasted my time and was never ready to commit this person was divorced 6 years already before he met me ,he always had the same excuse want''s things the way it is , dont want things to change and I should enjoy the time we had ,like you poured my heart in soul in this relationship, I realised that I was just his miss right now nothing else , he used me , and found out that he was never over his ex wife,
the joke is when I broke up with him all of a sudden he want''s things to change and he is ready to commit, I sticked to my decision and I am happy with my new man( well not so new , 2 years already ) , moved in to a beautifull house and are getting married next year. Dont waste your time on this man in ten years time he will still have the same story.
Dont set yourself up for heart ache , your personality are changing and he is making you a person that you are not.
Dont become desperate, there are great men out there that would love to date you , dont waste your time with a worm.He is using you big time. And the next time he tells you he is not over divorced tell him to build a bridge and burn it, you are so finish with this and walk away.

Reply to ????
Posted by: Me | 2011/05/05

just read your post again - listen to what you are saying. Why on earth would you want to spend all your time fighting with someone, and then fight with them to get them down the isle. that''s not what love is about. It''s clear he does not want to marry you (certainly not now anyway) so why are you trying to force something that just not there? Move on and find someone who wants to settle down. Don''t complain about what you can''t have. You may not realise it, but you are driving him even further away with all the nagging and fighting.

Reply to Me
Posted by: Truth | 2011/05/05

He was not on his own long enough after his marriage ended. He still has things he needs to work through.
He is not going to marry you, you need to move on with your dignity.

Reply to Truth
Posted by: mikky | 2011/05/05

Sorry Truth - I got it the wrong way around. Weve been together for 3 years - His marriage ended 6 months before that. Apologies. My brain is like a bowl of mushy peas at the moment trying to come to terms with all of this. I feel like a Zombie from all the fighting. I feel like he wants to hang me in the market square and admit all my faults (ie insecurity, pushing him into marriage etc) before he will consider backing down.

Damn - Now ive been judged and not going to get fair comment.

There was no affair - They had already split up when I met him.

Reply to mikky
Posted by: Truth | 2011/05/05

You have a boyfriend of 3.5 years. His marriage ended 3 years ago!
Marriages with someone you had an affair with usually do not work - l would not even try to get him up the ailse!

Reply to Truth
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/05/05

I hear so many reasons why this would be an unhappy relaionship and unlikely to work out, but no reassuring reasons why it should continue or be worth all the necessary work.
I'm an idiot about money, but your story reminds me of what successful money guys tell me about really unsuccessful investors - they put their money into an investment, some shares, maybe, amd while the value of the shares steadily goes down, they refuse to sell them on the basis of the money they originally put into these. So instead of losing some of their money and moving on to make more successful investments, they insist on sitting on a bad investment as it becomes worth less and less.
Why are you clinging so stubbornly to this particular relationship ?

Reply to cybershrink

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