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Question
Posted by: Silent Screams | 2010/02/15

Help me communicate this...

Hi there, I have an issue that I have for 8 years tried to negotiate upon and deal with but I think I have reached boiling point. My husband works in a foreign country and we spend a very limited amount of time together but it was not always this way. The issue however has remained the same through out the 8 years... He is a drinker... In the beginning I would throw my toys out the cot to be called a " nagging b*& $%"  and so on and eventually I just decided that I could deal with the drinking if it meant that the emotional scar of words i didn' t feel he meant stopped... I spoke to him when he was sober about how I felt about the booze and he acknowledged that he didn' t know when enough was enough... (enough was usually when he couldn' t speak or stand and disappeared off to bed.) I must stress that this happened mostly in a social situation where booze was on free flow. Then we had a gap of about 2 years where things got better. Family time with our 2 kids came first and foremost and booze was at its minimum... I noticed however that once he started working away from home things slid back into their old ways. I was encouraging, reminded him of how great things were... even accepted that I had no control over what he chose to do when he was away from home and requested that he just keep the booze away from us as a family. I feel however that he is taking the piss out of the fact that I backed off. I have again tried to be understanding of the fact that he says he has nothing to do and misses the family but lately have noticed that it isn' t really the case. He has over three years built friendships with the people he works with and is regularly at braai' s, or at the pub, or at some or other function or party, while I am alone acting as a single mom to our kids. i am becoming resentful of the fact that i now eat off the short end of the stick in almost every aspect of our relationship. That said... I love my husband and I tend to bottle up the resentment or try and replace those feelings with reminders of all the good.. But I am currently at a point where I feel I may be doing more harm than good by not approaching him with how I feel and how his lack of interest in our lives here at home is becoming a heartsore more than anything else. Mostly I am afraid that I will push him further into destruction which I don' t want to do... How do I do this? How do I make myself clear about how I feel and at the same time explain to him the part that he plays in the situation without coming across as accusatory and " whiney" ? Please advise

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

He sounds like an enthusiastic drinker, if not necessarily alcoholic, and likely to remain working abroad as it enables him to evade his family and marital responsibilities and live as he wishes. It is possible ( even by a letter ) to inform him calmly about how you feel and what worries you ; and especially where it can be phrased in the form of "when you do X, I feel Y", so it is less accusatory, he may take it more seriously - if he is at all willing or able to do so.

Let's see what others suggest

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Silent Screams | 2010/02/15

Thanks Doc... The letter is something I wouldn' t consider as I know through experience that they are not read, not via email or written form. I have never looked at him as using the work situation to evade the family responsibilities and if that is the case then it makes me wonder if in a round about way he sees this as the life i signed up for given that i offered the utmost support to him accomplishing what he wanted too... In any event I guess maybe the time has come for me to get tough about the issue at hand and face the consequence of what needs to be said and do it in a way that can be seen as ammicable communication..

Reply to Silent Screams
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/02/15

He sounds like an enthusiastic drinker, if not necessarily alcoholic, and likely to remain working abroad as it enables him to evade his family and marital responsibilities and live as he wishes. It is possible ( even by a letter ) to inform him calmly about how you feel and what worries you ; and especially where it can be phrased in the form of "when you do X, I feel Y", so it is less accusatory, he may take it more seriously - if he is at all willing or able to do so.

Let's see what others suggest

Reply to cybershrink

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