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Question
Posted by: Johnny | 2008/07/04

Help- got myself into a situation!

Well where do i begin? I have been in a relationship for the past two years with a very good guy, however he does not challenge me at all. Not on an intellectual level, not when we are fighting and not even in the bedroom! before him i was involved with a "sugar daddy", this freaked me out because i have allways been independant and have enough of my own money! he was just wealthier! So i dumped him because he tried to make me dependant on him, which didnt go down very well. He has allways been a good friend anyway, so we went back to friendship, and over the last two years our friendship has dwindled. Getting back to the present! my boyfriend and i have driffted over the past 6 months, and all these issues have been discussed to death and still no changes. To make matters worse sugar daddy has re-apearred and is making " a concerted effort" to get me back. My boyfriend is really a nice guy, he has done absolutely nothing wrong, and will have difficulty letting me go. I love him , but i am not in love with him anymore. I just cant find it in my heart to hurt him (at the expense of me). Suggar daddy is offering me the world on a platter, as his companion. What do i do? i am so confused at the point.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageGay, lesbian and bisexual expert

Hi Johnny, welcome to the forum and thanks for posting here. Great insights from everyone, especially Gareth - this isn't about your current partner, it has everything to do with you. Be wary of sabotaging your relationships by looking for a "challenge" - rather allow your partner to complement you. Your relationships should not be based on "competition".

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Johnny | 2008/07/08

Hey Gareth. sorry i went off like that the other day, was a bit highly strung that day. Sorry about that, you are right i shouldnt romantasize the situation. I am finally ready to do this, and have descided that i actually need to be on my own for a while, to sort my head out, no pun intended! I have excluded sugar daddy out of the situation as he was just a nusance and confused the whole situation more. Thanks guys for all your advice, you guys have made a huge difference to a situation that could have ended up with alot of people getting hurt. Have an amazing day

Reply to Johnny
Posted by: Gareth | 2008/07/07

Johnny, I am sorry if I offended you, like I said, I did not mean to be offensive or insesitive to the problem at hand. And it was really not specifically directed at you, it was more of a general statement, as I hear it coming up so many times. Deeve said it perfectly: committing to the relationship "until something better comes along". It is really sad that that happens, but it does. And I am not implying that it is what you did, so I am sorry if it seemed that way. Now getting back to the issue at hand here. Okay, so now your ex are back in the picture. Remember that you left him, and surely there was good reason behind that other than him wanting to "rule" your life. You need to be brutally honest with yourself here. What is going to be different this time around. Surely he would make it all look nice and attractive again to get you back, and to use your own words, you are back in the "honeymoon phase". But what if you give up what you have now, to get back to something you have given up on previously, and end up back where you started. And yes, I know that sometimes your feelings towards the one you thought was Mr Right can change too, but even here you have to stay clearheaded. Because of the ex being back, with all the new promises and good things looming, it tends to blind your vision to what you have now. Suddenly all your current partners faults and lackings are accentuated, and exclamated and they seem far worse than they are and suddenly you think about the ex, and it is almost like you forgot all the unhappiness that there was and why you wanted out then. Is that not true. I had an ex do that to me for about 2 years. It would get so bad that I would leave, and after 2 or three weeks he'll be back with fresh promises and ideas and make it look all attractive all over again, and I would fall for it, just to get hurt again. Over and over. So you really should be careful. If you want to give it a chance with the ex again, that really is your choice, and no one can make that decision for you. But be aware of the cost involved. You are giving up a two year - which is significant in gay relationships these days - relationship. Surely there were many many good things that made you stay for 2 full years. And be aware of the consequences and hurt you are going to cause. At least then be honest with your current boyfriend, so that he at least knows that it is nothing that he did, but rather something that you feel you need to do in persuit of your own happiness. Don't leave him wondering why you just left him after two years. Look, I am all for going for what makes you happy, because in the end of it all you need to be happy first, before you can make someone else happy. But be careful that you do not step on people in the process. Yes, unfortunately sometimes we have to hurt others in order for us and them to grow, but make an informes decision, with a clear mind, rather than just falling from the one relationship to the next, because some old flames that were reignited. In the end you are going to do yourself more damage.


I wish people (especially gay people) - and again, this is a general statement and not directed at you Johnny - would realise that a relationship is never easy. And whether you have been together for 6 months or 10 years, the relationship constantly changes as we as people change and constantly needs attention. You never stop working on the relationship, never. At some stage in ANY ralationship, gay or straight, romantic or not, you are going to run into some difficulties. At some stage you ARE going to have some problems. And this is usually when most guys decide "f*ck this! I don't need this sh*t" and move out and move on. And they never get to the stage where the relationship matures and really grows into something worth it, all the way. The problems we experience are sometimes really crap, and hell, but if you can stick around and work through it, however big or small, you emerge on the other side with a new stronger side of the relationship. You get to know each other even better on a very different level, you are more in tune. That is why we all envy our grandparents that stayed together forever, because they stuck it out. And now they are thinking alike, finish each others sentences and know each other so well. Every problem has a root cause, and we should learn to deal with that, rather than treating the symptoms. For example, our sex life is crap, he does not want it when I do. So now I am not attractive anymore so now I leave, onto the next person, until we hit the next problem. But if I stayed, and we talked about it, really talked about it, and tried to find the root of the problem, we would have found out that my ex had a medical condition that him and I were not aware of, or he had emotional insecurities that he did not know how to share with me, or something else. We could have sorted it out, and we could have been even happier than before, more in tune and sensitive to each other etc etc etc.
Sorry for ranting on like this. I just had to get this out of my system.

Johnny, you are in a difficult situation here, and you need to do in the end what you feel is right for you. I wish you the best of luck with it, and sorry again if what I said was offensive. Please let us know sometime what you decided and how things are going.

Reply to Gareth
Posted by: Deeve | 2008/07/07

Hey Gareth...I dig your comments man!
You know what...I often look around, and see Guys that appear to look more this or that than my Partner. We all have the 'perfect' picture of the Guy we would love to meet, and our Partners don't always fit that exact scenario.
BUT...most of us that have been around the block a few times certainly know that there is no perfect picture, and definitely no perfect partner! Relationships require hard work!
I agree that one should figure very fast if there's compatability in someone that you're pursueing. I just get real sad when I see Guys only committing to something, 'until something better comes along'. My five cents.....
Cheers

Reply to Deeve
Posted by: Des | 2008/07/04

Coming from the guy who was TOLD he was not 'challenging', just talk to the guy in a decent, clear way, you also know him better than anyone so you should know the words to use so that he does not feel as if you are being abusive, use the right words, let him down easy and dont make you or him seem to be the bad person in the relationship because he will still feel he failed in some way or another and become emotional wrecking himself to figure out what he did to make you turn out the bad person or to make him the bad person. Rather deal with the relationship as being a person who is not happy and its best for the relationship that u split up so that you can have a good friendship. Also a word of advise DONT hookup with the re-surfaced X straight after because your partner will think its because of the re-surfaced X you dumped him, you have to deal with the situation after the break-up very carefully....

Reply to Des
Posted by: Johnny | 2008/07/04

Thank you for your honesty. If you read my letter, you would see that i have been feeling like this for many months now. The ex has only popped up in the last 10 days. Is it possible to know everything about some-one when you are dating that person, or even in the honeymoon stage of a relationship? I am definetly not playing the victim here, and yes i do take responsibility for what is happening. In no way have i made myself out to be the victim here, but have you (gareth) ever fallen for some-one, and one day you wake up and the feeling is different? Now you dont know what to do? He is not the problem in the scenario, i am- yes damaging. If you havent been in that situation well i hope you are never because you will remeber how damaging it can be. I am just hoping that someone else may have advice or has been in a similar situation, but thanks for your analysis anyway.

Reply to Johnny
Posted by: Gareth | 2008/07/04

I do not mean to offend anyone here, but I really cannot understand this "he doesn't challenge me" thing guys use lately. Why did you get involved with him in the first case if that was the case because that is something you can quickly pick up when you meet someone, or date someone for a while. Without being insensitive to the problem here I think this is merely a bad excuse to get out of a relationship - you know - "it's all his fault" when it is you that actually wants out. Sounds like you have made your mind up already anyway. There are "better prospects" looming, that seem very attractive, so now suddenly current boyfriend is the problem in the relationship and not good enough anymore. What a damaging way to live...

Reply to Gareth
Posted by: Johnny | 2008/07/04

We have sat down and spoken about it, countless times. The problem is that he avoids conflict at all costs, and allways backs down and is appologetic even when he is right, which makes me feel like an absolute Bas%$^%rd. I have not been brought up to be that type of person, and slowly but surely i am becomming that everyday i stay in the relationship. It frustrates me no end when he does that. But you guys are right i need to sit him down and explain using "kid" gloves that we are better off friends. I know that we could be the best of friends, and i hope that he will agree to that. Time will tell.

Reply to Johnny
Posted by: Deeve | 2008/07/04

Howzit Johnny,
I recon you need to take a few steps back and relook at certain aspects of your posting.
Firstly, Sugar Daddy. You were never happy with the scenario in the past, so why would you want to re-entertain anything now? I kinda think that due to your current setup being a little dull right now, this offering is somewhat confusing issues. You owe it to your Boyfriend to work things out at home, before you even think of moving on. Tell the Ex exactly that, and focus on the present - he has no right to come back and expect your attention while you're still seeing someone else. You're going to seriously hurt your current boyfriend, and he simply doesn't deserve it.
If you are not wanting to pursue the current relationship, rather sit down, and spell things out. Maybe your Boyfriend will come to the party, if he knows the final score? It all depends on whether you two are compatible or not - since one cannot expect the other to be someone that they really aren't.....simple!
Only once this is all sorted, should you even think of contacting your Ex. Sorry, but in my books, the Ex sounds like an offer on the rebound...but still.
Good Luck

Reply to Deeve
Posted by: Johnny | 2008/07/04

Thank you for the advise. He is not un-intellectual by any means, he is more intellectual in different aspects to myself. So we keep missing each other. You are right,I dont think that i could live with myself, knowing that i minimised some-one else's intellect or life, i am not that heartless. Your advise has made things clearer. Thank you again!

Reply to Johnny
Posted by: Des | 2008/07/04

Hey, I have been in something similar, I am actually the one who was left and not in a good way. My X just left me and went with his lover and I was and still left wondering where I went wrong. He also said that I did not stimulate him intellectually which I STILL don’t understand, be I feel intellectually I am quite sound. However when it comes to fighting I can hold my own, and I can give as good as I get, but when he became abusive I used to pull back, cos I am not the abusive type.

With regards your situation I would suggest that you are as OPEN as possible with your partner and let him know that you feel that the relationship has reached the stage where you realise that its not going to work out and you don’t want to hurt him and you would suggest that you split up to avoid things becoming ugly. PLEASE don’t tell him about him not stimulating intellectually and in the fighting way, that sorta thing wrecks a person emotionally and you never see yourself the same way again. I am left wondering WHY am I not more intelligent than I am, why am I so STUPID why can I not be more like so and so then he will love me.

So please save the guy that emotional trauma, we all are who and what we are and people will just have to accept us in that way, I don’t want to say its YOUR fault for getting into a relationship him knowing his short comings and now finally realising that he is inadequate for you. But love is also blind and makes one do really stupid things, so the bottom line is respect him for who and what he is and rather let him off as easy as possible.

As for the sugar daddy if you don’t want him pass him on, I am single again and need someone to spoil me a bit ;-)

Reply to Des

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