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Question
Posted by: Natalie | 2011/10/22

Help!

I have the age old problem of him being affraid to commit. He loves me and deeply cares about me, I know that. I love him more than anything or anyone in this whole world but it seems like he isnt coping with juggling his work and having a relationship.

We have a history and he has been chasing me for 5 years and things are great except he isnt coping with his job and having a relationship. So he ended it with me because " he isnt sure how to cope with me and his job" . Am I being ridiculous by truely believing that we can work at it and that I can help him try cope. Am I wrong to feel a little bitter about the whole thing! I want him back but how can I expect it to work if he isnt even willing to try the first time round.

What do you suggest I do? Should I give him time to breath and sort things out his side? To me thats not going to work because work is always going to be there! Or do I fight for him? I want to fight for him! I really do.....So what should I do?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Some guys are like dogs chasing a car. They enjoy the chanse, but when a car stops, they don't really know what else to do with it.
And some people, guys and gals, tend to think ( maybe they're sometimes right ? ) that if they don't make a major success in their work in the early years, they may not get a second chance, and assume they can develop a lasting relationship if they start seriously aiming at that, rather later in life.
Are you being realistic in believing you can work it out together ? Presumably you both tried, or at least you did, "working it out" before now, and din't manage to do so ? Maybe with couples counselling for some expert assistance, you might have been more successful at managing this together.
You can't "work it out together" alone.
Fighting for him, if it actually means fighting him, is unlikely to work, either.
As others say, millions of people manage a hard-working work life, AND relationships and family. If he can't, its not because this is impossible to achieve but because he either doesn't really want to, or lacks some basic skills he could learn if he wanted to.

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/10/23

Some guys are like dogs chasing a car. They enjoy the chanse, but when a car stops, they don't really know what else to do with it.
And some people, guys and gals, tend to think ( maybe they're sometimes right ? ) that if they don't make a major success in their work in the early years, they may not get a second chance, and assume they can develop a lasting relationship if they start seriously aiming at that, rather later in life.
Are you being realistic in believing you can work it out together ? Presumably you both tried, or at least you did, "working it out" before now, and din't manage to do so ? Maybe with couples counselling for some expert assistance, you might have been more successful at managing this together.
You can't "work it out together" alone.
Fighting for him, if it actually means fighting him, is unlikely to work, either.
As others say, millions of people manage a hard-working work life, AND relationships and family. If he can't, its not because this is impossible to achieve but because he either doesn't really want to, or lacks some basic skills he could learn if he wanted to.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Natalie | 2011/10/22

So now he wants to try work it out. He wants "  things to be better between us" ! What is this guy trying to do to me! He said it was a 50-50 decision - either break up or try work through it and at the time it seemed better to break up. So what he is saying is that its easier....he is taking the easy way out. And now he wants to try again.....Well you lost your chance buddy! Ciao xxx

Reply to Natalie
Posted by: Maria | 2011/10/22

Millions of people around the world cope with having a job and a relationship. Many have kids, and hobbies, and friends as well. I agree with the other posters, he probably just doesn''t have the guts to tell you it''s over so he hides behind this ridiculous excuse. And if by some chance it is true that he is so busy and wrapped up in his work that he cannot have a relationship, do you really want to spend your life with the guy? Do you want to effectively be a single parent when you have kids, always do everything on your own even though you''re married, never have your partner available to you? It is something he has to figure it out for himself, and until he does, he isn''t really good relationship material.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Man | 2011/10/22

lf he really wanted to he could cope with a woman and a job!
This is just an excuse. You have been dumped - time 2 move on......he is not coming back.

Reply to Man
Posted by: Um | 2011/10/22

Are you sure it''s not just an excuse? Because unless you work together or he works odd, there should be no reason why he can''t juggle a relationship and his work. How does he maintain relationships with his friends and family? Here''s how most people do it: work, come home to wife/ girlfriend/ family, maybe go out with with friends, sleep, repeat. What''s so hard about that?

Reply to Um

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