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Question
Posted by: Help | 2010/03/08

Help

RE-post as I did not put a subject and could not read the comments
I have been together with my husband for 13 years and married for six. He had a vasectomy 10 years ago and I was against it. He did agree later on to reverse it but I have just had excuses or he is leading me on to believing it will be done to make sure I stay.
I want another child and feel as though I am being robbed by him and beginning to hate and resent him for not allowing me to have another child.
But there''s another scenario…  this morning we had an argument as our daughter (12) wanted something and I said yes and he over rode me and said no, and as I''m so emotional about her I said yes and he said that he''s rubbing his hands of her and that all the disciplining is going to fall on me and that if he sees her stuff up once more he''s going to pack his stuff and leave. Must I subject my daughter to anymore of this verbal abuse.
I have now sent him an e-mail about how I feel and I''m actually scared to go home as I know how angry he can get and starts throwing things, it took me a lot of courage to write it to him
Am I fooling myself into believing he will change, because of the love I have for him? Should I leave?
I feel so lost.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I had more than once asked the folks who run the forums to get the programmers to make a subject a required field, so you would HAVE to include one, to prevent this sort of problem.
I can't keep digging around to find and copy my previous responses to repost them when someone fails to include a topic title.
Your fresh message is clearer on some details than the first one, as I recall it.
Reversing a vasectomy is very far from guaranteed to be successful, and though in the first place it should not have been done by the surgeon without your consent, you can't force a guy to have a reversal because you want another child.
And if it was done with your consent, even if that was reluctant, you have even less grounds to complain.
Wating another child is a genuine feeling some people have, but it does not oblige your husband to undergo surgery to try to achieve this, nor to undertake the expenses of raising the child until it is mature. You are not really being ROBBED of anything in this instance, though I can see how you could feel that way. And if this is 12 years after the other child, it's not unreasonable for him to fel sure that for him, his child-rearing days are over.
Seriously, it sounds like there are lots of conflicts in this marriage, and you should not even imagine having another child until you fix these problems, in marriage counselling. The daughter is yours and his, and both of you have responsibilities for discipline and sructure and respect for the child - he can't just wash his hands of the child because he feels upset about a quarrel. That's childish. But if that's how he behaves about the child you already have, he's not fit to be father to a new child until he has sorted all this out and grown up more.
People don't change easily, and not unles rthey recognize a real and convincing need to change, and see some benefits for themselves in changing.
POWA and similar groups could help to advise you if you feel he is being or would be abusive. But most of all both of you seem not to be understanding each other or working together effectively as partners or parents - so marriage counselling is really needed.

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/03/09

I had more than once asked the folks who run the forums to get the programmers to make a subject a required field, so you would HAVE to include one, to prevent this sort of problem.
I can't keep digging around to find and copy my previous responses to repost them when someone fails to include a topic title.
Your fresh message is clearer on some details than the first one, as I recall it.
Reversing a vasectomy is very far from guaranteed to be successful, and though in the first place it should not have been done by the surgeon without your consent, you can't force a guy to have a reversal because you want another child.
And if it was done with your consent, even if that was reluctant, you have even less grounds to complain.
Wating another child is a genuine feeling some people have, but it does not oblige your husband to undergo surgery to try to achieve this, nor to undertake the expenses of raising the child until it is mature. You are not really being ROBBED of anything in this instance, though I can see how you could feel that way. And if this is 12 years after the other child, it's not unreasonable for him to fel sure that for him, his child-rearing days are over.
Seriously, it sounds like there are lots of conflicts in this marriage, and you should not even imagine having another child until you fix these problems, in marriage counselling. The daughter is yours and his, and both of you have responsibilities for discipline and sructure and respect for the child - he can't just wash his hands of the child because he feels upset about a quarrel. That's childish. But if that's how he behaves about the child you already have, he's not fit to be father to a new child until he has sorted all this out and grown up more.
People don't change easily, and not unles rthey recognize a real and convincing need to change, and see some benefits for themselves in changing.
POWA and similar groups could help to advise you if you feel he is being or would be abusive. But most of all both of you seem not to be understanding each other or working together effectively as partners or parents - so marriage counselling is really needed.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Lucy | 2010/03/08

I''m really sorry for the situation you find yourself in. I don''t have any advise, but really hope that it will all turn out in your and your daughter''s best interest. Good luck.

Reply to Lucy

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