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Question
Posted by: Sad | 2010/04/28

Heartless husband

I am 5 months pregnant with our third child, and have to deal with a husband who cold an heartless. He has no sense of sympathy towards me whatsoever, even if I am heartbroken and crying my heart out he will not put an arm around me and just ignore me. Even our 4 year old told him to speak softly and nicely to mommy because she is crying. He critizes me constantly about everything, and I mean everything - what I say, what I do, my parenting skills, my contribution to household tasks, the way I handle problems at word, etc etc. We have no intimate life anymore, as there is no emotional intimacy or bond at all due his cold attitude. We''ve been for counseling, and it went well while we kept it up. He won''t go for counseling anymore. I really don''t know what to do anymore?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Does he actually feel no sympathy whatever for you ? Or does he not know how to express such sympathy or what to do about it ? Men are generally less skilled at revealing and expressing their emotions.
But being constantly critical is another thing, and both unnecessary and hardly excusable.
That things improved when you two went for counselling before, shows that it cpould be useful, and was incomplete when you stopped last time.
Do you know WHY he doesn't want to go for counselling any more ? Does he NOT fel it was useful ? Or does he fear that it would involve revealing his faults and would want him to change them ?

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4
Our users say:
Posted by: ABC | 2010/04/28

Why did you fall pregnant again?

Reply to ABC
Posted by: Sad | 2010/04/28

He used to be very sympathetic and caring, but somehow it changed. So its not that he doesn''t know how to show sympathy. He is an excellent father though, who is very involved. Sometimes a bit tough on our eldest, but generally just fine.

He did feel that the counselling helped, but he says it ridiculous to have to go for counseling after only 6 years of marriage. We''ve been together for 11 years though. He doesn''t like me revealing all the hurtfull and heartless things that he says and does to a stranger (the counsellor). I ofcourse also have my share of things that I do wrong, but I am not abusive. The verbal and emotional abuse started during my first pregnancy in 2005. So its been going on for quite a while. We went for counciling till Dec last year.

I am considering a trial separation...but what will that do to the kids?

Reply to Sad
Posted by: Whena | 2010/04/28

Sad

Maybe he grew up in a home where no feelings were ever shown and he has never accepted anything else
The fact that he does not want to go for any further counselling is an indication to me that he will not change

Reply to Whena
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/04/28

Does he actually feel no sympathy whatever for you ? Or does he not know how to express such sympathy or what to do about it ? Men are generally less skilled at revealing and expressing their emotions.
But being constantly critical is another thing, and both unnecessary and hardly excusable.
That things improved when you two went for counselling before, shows that it cpould be useful, and was incomplete when you stopped last time.
Do you know WHY he doesn't want to go for counselling any more ? Does he NOT fel it was useful ? Or does he fear that it would involve revealing his faults and would want him to change them ?

Reply to cybershrink

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