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Question
Posted by: Mikaila | 2011-06-22

Heartbroken

I''m so heartbroken and dissapointed. I found out today that my boyfriend (well whom I thought of and believed to be my boyfriend) of the past 5years has told people (and very specifically women) that he''s in no serious relationship and most defnitely not in love or planning to fall in love or get engaged or married anytime soon. We''ve been living together for longer than 5 years and whilst there was rocky patches we now have a decent friendly often fun eventhough not much of a physical intimate relationship. But to actually be confronted with the facts of what he said is just shattering beyond. I didn''t specifically want to or need to get married (eventhough he did ask a year or two ago but we never got round to it) I just really love him so much and are truly as in love with him as what I''ve been 5 years ago. All I want to be is happy and for him to love me as much as I do him but then he says things like this and I have to understand what from this? we are way beyond our middle age''s and live alone in a townhouse and he is caring, supportive, has no addictions, does chores around the house, make special food, we watch tv, he makes me laugh and are fun but is he trying to tell me something? I don''t want to break of this relationship but is he truly being fair or am I unreasonable in my expectations? should I just accept what we have and be grateful for what we do share and not bother with the rest and care what he tells people? I''m just so heartbroken about the fact that I''m prepared to tell the world I love him dearly and that he is the love of my life and it (now) seems he doesn''t feel the same way or need anything more from our relationship. He seems not to be bothered one way or the other whether I do want more from our relationship (not marriage as such but at least the acknowledgement of me) or whether I''m here or not. I''m seriously not in the mood or have any inclination to have or start any relationship with other men since I''m so truly deeply madly in love with him and I suppose since people are different and all situations and relationships have their own ways and means it would just be stupid to ask anyone what they would do. (and no therapy or council is not an option)

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

YOU thought of him as your bf - apparently he did not, which makes one wonder, indeed, what he thought he was doing, living with you for 5 years. It sounds like a very comfortable and enjoyable companionship, rather than a significantly loving emotional relationship on his side. It sounds very satisfying for him, and he may have just sat cheerfully in his comfort zone, with nothing particular to gain from marriage or indeed from changing anything.
You feel deeply in love with him ; perhaps to a significant extent also in love with the idea of being in love, and while he may have taken our affections for granted while looking for nothing more, you seem to have rather assumed his love without checking this out with him, either.
Couples counsellign of course might help, but at least you each owe it to each other to spend some calm time really frankly talking this through, to at least inderstand each other better, and to be better placed to make good decisions about where to go from here.

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Our users say:
Posted by: AGM | 2011-06-23

Pls stop listening to other people, what if he was just saying that knowing that they will tell you and you will overreact. Come up with the subject as if you haven''t heard any rumours and talk about it. maybe you are reacting for no reason at all. I think that after 5yrs you know your man better than anyone.

Reply to AGM
Posted by: tessa | 2011-06-22

oh dear, sorry you are feeling sad. and for 5 years!! you have to hear what he says unfortunately, but speak to him first to make sure things are clear. Give him a chance, but if you feel he isnt taking it seriously and you dont feel secure in the relationship (and you will know!!), then as hard as it is move on. be sad, and just go through it. there is always another and you deserve more. YOu could also pull back from him a bit.
good luck

Reply to tessa
Posted by: tessa | 2011-06-22

oh dear, sorry you are feeling sad. and for 5 years!! you have to hear what he says unfortunately, but speak to him first to make sure things are clear. Give him a chance, but if you feel he isnt taking it seriously and you dont feel secure in the relationship (and you will know!!), then as hard as it is move on. be sad, and just go through it. there is always another and you deserve more. YOu could also pull back from him a bit.
good luck

Reply to tessa
Posted by: Beeeee | 2011-06-22

I am so sorry to hear. It is very disrespectful towards you, actually.

I think that he is in love with you otherwise he will not be with you, for 5 years nogal... I think it is just ego that makes him say things like that. But it is still very painful to hear.

Also confront him in a calm manner.

Best of luck!


Reply to Beeeee
Posted by: kim | 2011-06-22

Gal, i think you just in denial. Reading from your post it is clear that you want to get married to this guy hence whatever he said to " people"  about not wanting to be committed disturbes you.

Tell him about the rumours and ask him if it is true? The chances are that he is going to deny it. Its either the people who told you are jealous of your relationship or if you one of those ladies who takes care of their B/f''s financially, he is indeed not inlove but after your money.

Stop loving too much my dear sister, you will die of heart attack. I think he realised how mad you are about him and he is taking advantage of your love.

Reply to kim
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011-06-22

YOU thought of him as your bf - apparently he did not, which makes one wonder, indeed, what he thought he was doing, living with you for 5 years. It sounds like a very comfortable and enjoyable companionship, rather than a significantly loving emotional relationship on his side. It sounds very satisfying for him, and he may have just sat cheerfully in his comfort zone, with nothing particular to gain from marriage or indeed from changing anything.
You feel deeply in love with him ; perhaps to a significant extent also in love with the idea of being in love, and while he may have taken our affections for granted while looking for nothing more, you seem to have rather assumed his love without checking this out with him, either.
Couples counsellign of course might help, but at least you each owe it to each other to spend some calm time really frankly talking this through, to at least inderstand each other better, and to be better placed to make good decisions about where to go from here.

Reply to cybershrink

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