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Question
Posted by: Akey | 2012/03/16

heart broken step mother role

Dear Doctor

I have a very mixed emotion. I was involved with a man for almost 2years and he has 2 kids whom their mother past away many years ago and my ex introduced me to his kids during the course of our relationship, and me and the kids( they are under 10yrs) we hit it off so wonderfully building our own relationship. we used to do so many activities together and even they could come to me for things that they were afraid to discuss with their Dad. Now we broke up with the father due to reason that i cant go through, and few weeks after the brake-up i was still checking on the kids on the daily bases. The problem now is the fact the the father asked to meet with me and he told me that he thinks is best that i should stop the communication with the kids as it will make the transition of our break-up easier on him and also to prepare the kids to understand that am no longer with him so that in the future when he meets someone new, the kids can learn to accomodate the new step-mother.

I tried to reason with him that maybe i can only talk to them once a week as it will be very difficult for me to seperate myself from those kids. but he totally refused so i had to respect his decision as the parent, now the problem is that i miss those kids so much, i feel like i have lost my own kids, i feel so empty inside and wondering what they are going through, i think about them everyday, praying wherever they are , they well taken care of, and hoping that should their dad meet someone new she will be kind and loving to them.

Please Dr, how do i let go of the love and i have for them, its been 3 months now and i have made peace that me and their dad will no longer be, but how do i let go of the kids.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

He's probably right. Though you and the kids may have real affection for each other, it may well make it more difficult for them, if you and their father have broken off the relationship, if you continue to see them. Sounds like he is at least thinking of forming a further relationship, and doesn't want to confuse the kids to any extent tha might be avoidable. Your story implies that you don't have kids of your own, and enjoy relating to children. Don't cling to these particular kids for your own needs, rather than theirs - real love for them means concentrating on what's best for them, not you.
Maybe in your next relationship you can move towards having kids of your own, and maybe you can look for work or voluntary work with a children's charity, to continue to enjoy the company of kids - but again, so long as the focus is on their needs more than your own

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/03/17

He's probably right. Though you and the kids may have real affection for each other, it may well make it more difficult for them, if you and their father have broken off the relationship, if you continue to see them. Sounds like he is at least thinking of forming a further relationship, and doesn't want to confuse the kids to any extent tha might be avoidable. Your story implies that you don't have kids of your own, and enjoy relating to children. Don't cling to these particular kids for your own needs, rather than theirs - real love for them means concentrating on what's best for them, not you.
Maybe in your next relationship you can move towards having kids of your own, and maybe you can look for work or voluntary work with a children's charity, to continue to enjoy the company of kids - but again, so long as the focus is on their needs more than your own

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