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Question
Posted by: anon | 2012/12/13

Q.

Heart broken

I''m so heart broken and don''t know what to do anymore. My partner and I have been dating for just over three years and everytime we have a fight he tends to blow things out of proportion, he says he doesn''t know how to make me happy. He beleives I want to be married because all our friends are either engaged or married, he doesn''t understand that as a women I want these things too. He always tells me he wants to marry me but then something comes up. He said a part of him is scared it won''t work out based on other couples that have problems. Just because we fight he thinks its not normal. He said he feels we have nothing in common and we not compatible. I feel there are lots of people like that but when you love someone aren''t you supposed to work on your differences? He''s always so negative about situations and says he has learnt to expect the worse. I sugeested we get couples counselling so that an expert can analyze our situation and help but he doesn''t want to. There''s nothing I want more then to be with him but he doesn''t want to try because he''s scared and this is really hirting me. How can I make this work?

Expert's Reply

A.

Expert ImageCyberShrink

Apparently he really doesnt understand you yourself, depending rather on theories he holds. To fight occasionally is normal enough, but it depends on how often, and how seriously. If he really feels you have nothing in common and are incompatible - why has he chosen to remain with you for 3 years ? And if he doesn't want to join you in couples counselling, he doesnt even want to try to solve the problems he thinks exist.
It does sound as though he has problems, within himself, and you have no reason for feeling hurt because he has them and doesnt want to fix them.
It hardly matters whether he's right or not about you two being incompatible - if that's how he feels, then you are incompatible. You cant make things compatible all on your own.
Everything you describe suggests that he doesn't want to be with you in the longer term, and this isn't your fault. Why do you feel so insistently that you must remain with him ? See a counsellor for yourself, to become able to move on and find someone who actually loves you

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8
user comments
Posted by: jo | 2013/01/07

3 years is no where near enough time to know a person at all, why rush it? Agree with the others you are wasting your time with him.

Reply to jo
Posted by: Leila | 2012/12/14

What dont you make a deal with him and separate for a few months and see how he feels? If he doesnt find it hard during those months then you can be sure that you can move on.

Reply to Leila
Posted by: anon | 2012/12/13

I know he doesn''t have another lady in his life, just so hard that I can''t figure him out even after all these years. We always knew we were meant to be. He always said that leaving is not an option but when the going gets tough, he''s the first one to say we should break up. I don''t understand why he waited so long to tell me all these things. He was even planning this romantic proposal then suddenly he said it was too much pressure. All this time he had me believing that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. The more I think about all these things, the more it''s putting me into a depression. Maybe I am just in denial coz I have always believed he''s my perfect guy so I was living out this fantasy that we were going live happily ever after but now it''s all coming crashing down. Even though he has his faults he''s such a wonderful person, he''s always so concerned about me and does the sweetest things. People look at us and tell us they wish they have what we do.

Reply to anon
Posted by: married women | 2012/12/13

The man will never marry u ,he has already found someone who is compatible with him,its only a matter of time b4 u find out.if i were u i will just dump him and move on.he is not worth it.Please leave that man ASAP.i was once in the same situation once and found out that he is dating another girl and he was comparing me with her.I dumped him the minute i found out and moved on with my ife and now i am a happily married women.

Reply to married women
Posted by: Elle | 2012/12/13

I think we are dating the very same man ...

Reply to Elle
Posted by: Jenna | 2012/12/13

You know, and I hate to say this, I wonder if there is not maybe something else going on.

My partner and I are completely different people. We have different tastes in music, movies, food, habits, religion, EVERYTHING. Yet we get along like a house on fire.

My point- if you love someone, you are willing to be with them no matter what, like you say. You are exactly right that you work past your differences.

He wants to marry you but something always comes up? No no no, commitments aren''t like going to the shops- you wanted to go but your car broke. No, if you love the person and you want to marry them, you marry them (even if it''s just a court marriage).

He doesn''t know how to make you happy, yet after three years of clearly NOT making you happy he hasn''t changed something to make you happy?

And he doesn''t want to go for couselling?

I really hate to say this, but this sounds like a case of him trying to let you go without making you feel like the bad one. I don''t think he WANTS to be with you, but he doesn''t want to be cruel about it, which is nice of him.

I think you should listen to him, stop trying to force the relationship and move on.

Reply to Jenna
Posted by: Milla | 2012/12/13

If he''s telling you that you guys have nothing in common and are incompatible even considering marriage is a bad idea. Why do you continue seeing someone who seems to believe you are incompatible?
Sorry if this sounds harsh but, if he has told you these things to your face his purpose for being in a relationship with you seems quite clear and he hasn''t even made any effort to hide it from you (and has told you he doesn''t want to put in the effort to work on it either), it has nothing to do with love or commitment or being with YOU because your YOU. That leaves only convenience and easy access?

I would leave, go find someone who actually likes YOU and want to be with YOU.

Reply to Milla
Posted by: Anon | 2012/12/13

I''m afraid that you are not going to make it work if he already says that you have nothing in common and incompatible.
You need to move on

Reply to Anon

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