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Posted by: tayles | 2008/10/03

He' s driving me crazy

We moved out of CT 6 years ago to get away from everyone, but after a couple of years the whole family followed us here. My In-Laws moved up too and my F-in-L didn' t like it here and always complained and said that if it wasn' t for us he would still be in CT. Things got gradually worse and their finances became a major problem they even used to hint that they wanted to come and live with us in our small home! A few years ago my husband even bought them a second-hand car, as their last one rusted-away. Unfortunately my M-in-L passed away very suddenly earlier on this year. My F-in-L packed up shortly after her passing and went to live in Kleinmond with my B-in-L. His car was now in an awful state so we very kindly gave him my car to drive down in. We did advise him to first go down on holiday to see if he liked the place. But of course he hates it there too now our town is all of a sudden the best place on earth! I must admit that we have really enjoyed not having him around as he is not an easy person to get on with. But now he keeps on phoning us saying that he isn' t happy there can we please help him find somewhere to rent near us. We have phoned the agents but there isn' t anything suitable and in his price range for rent. Yesterday was the last straw now he told my husband that he must please help before he commits suicide, he always makes us feel guilty. I am so fed-up with him. My husband is out of work at the moment we have lots of our own expenses and we only have one car now as he still has mine it makes things difficult for us and now he expects me to go running around looking for a place for him to live in. I am scared that he ends up ruining ours lives as he is very demanding and expects other people to be responsible for him. I feel like I am going mad he is making us feel ill. Please give me some good advice

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Our expert says:
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How some people refuse to take responsibility for their own choices, and prefer to blame others ! Does your F-in-law really think he had nothing to do with his decision to follow you up-country ? How are you supposed to have lured him and forced him to do that ?
He sounds like one of those grumpy old men who blame everyone but themselves for the results of their decisions, and who is only happy being unhappy. Part of the problem is ( I'd guess he is retired ? ) that he is BORED and has taken up complaining as a hobby.
Do NOT allow him to make you feel guilty --- he has made his own decisions and must live with their consequences, with the assistance of counselling if necessary. And don't allow him to blackmail you. Remind him that he still has your car which you loaned him for what was only meant to be a short time, and that this makes it harder to help him in the way he wants ; and that your own home and finances are already stretched and can't enable you to help him further. He should surely turn to other famil nearer where he is in the Cape. Can anyone else in the family help him to get other hobbies and occupations to keep him busy ?
I disagree with "Amazing" --- we all have a duty to make it easier for people to help us, rather than to be disagreeable and selfish as he is. Youi are certainly not evil at all.

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Our users say:
Posted by: trashy truth | 2008/10/05

Amazing. i do not agree with you not one bit..life is hard and unfair but hey no-body said it was going to be easy.. the old man needs to grow up and own up to his decisions, whether he is lonely or not that is not relevant. he had a full life with his wife and why cant he he let his kid if he loves him have fun and enjoy life.

Yes we are all going to grow old and die but we cannot pay for our future sins now.. i understand this maybe a little close to home for you but taking it out on an innocent struggling to cope, about to go brankrupt tyles is not the way to go about it.

The old man is selffish and completely slef absorbed he is not rejected but he will cause his son his marriege that it is for sure...

loss is painfull, but i dont believe that we should make everyone miserable because we are hurting the most.

Amazing you are old and dying .....i am sorry you got rejected by your kids but face it ....we all have to check out soon or later ....

you can do so in style ...love your kids support them they will support you back

blackmail them you will push them further and further away by the tone of your mail i would not be surprised if yours have relocated to space..

Reply to trashy truth
Posted by: Amazing | 2008/10/03

It' s amazing how selfish people can really be! Lady you are going to grow old too and you' ll know what it feels like to be rejected by your own kids because you " inconvenience"  them! Have you never heard of people living with extended families? the old man has just lost his wife and he is now lonely! Maybe you' d feel different if it was your own father!?! I' m sorry to say it but what goes around comes around! In a nutshell - you are EVIL!

Reply to Amazing
Posted by: XXX | 2008/10/03

Sorry to hear that you are having to cope with so much, had a similar thing happen to me... mother constantly moaning about not being happy where she was... moved her at great expense into fab place and a short while later she was packing her bags cos she was so unhappy... also used the ' going to committ suicide'  story on us. To cut a long story short.. I have come to realise that no matter what you do, they will be unhappy and complain cos they have nothing better to do.....! Your husband must be strong and tell him that he must live with the b-i-l for at least 12 months before making any decisions... Good Luck!

Reply to XXX

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