Posted by: Shozi | 2013-01-29

He is being unfair

Allow me to relay my story and seek your advices.
My husband a father to our only child moved out of our home last year Oct. This was a mutual agreement as the tension was severrly mounting to the verge of hatred at home. We agreed that I will stay with our child, so he moved out. This was no end of our relationship. We took that decision as the first step to trying to fix our differences. Its been 3months and he doesnt wanna talk about our next step. I cant even tell if he moved on or not. I dnt visit him but he comes over once a week or so to see our child. He says nothing about us. He only paid lobola and we never signed at DHA.

Lately i have a physical desire that needs to be quenched. Do i move on with my life, will i be cheating on him if i date casually? I think three months is enough to figure out what you want, problem is he is not prepared to say anything. Everytime I ask him, he says he will make time so we can talk and nothing ever happens. I feel he is holding e back and to be honest i dont care about what he gets up to out there.

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Posted by: Shozi | 2013-01-30

JR...thank you so much. Your advice is very spot on its like you read my mind somehow. What you just confirmed gives me the strength to stand up and stop accepting his rubbish by waiting for him to act.

Lol...i will take your advice and resort to the power of self satisfaction as you point out, its much more safer and completely discreet than any other method that can come haunting me back.

I must say though im gradually letting go of evrything we ever shared and an easy way out for me would be for him to come end this relationdhip.

I appreciate all the advices, thank you.

Reply to Shozi
Posted by: JR | 2013-01-29

Men get away with it, women are labled as easy and cheap, and that is what your man is going to do if yo mess around whether it is publicly or in private. The truth always comes out. Do not think you will hide it from him if that is the route you choose to go. I would not go this route if I were you.

However, he cannot string you along forever, at some point he needs to make up his mind, and you should not be standing for this, because it''s utter rubbish that he is just stringing you along in case the fling he is having does not work out.

Put your foot down and give him a time frame by when you want a decision. What he is getting from you now, is weakness and acceptance of his nonsense. Don''t take it. Be sure though that you are prepared to go through with whatever you say, because if you do not stick to your guns, you only strengthen and accept his rubbish.

In my experience, and what the psychologist told me, moving out is never the solution to your problems. You solve your marital problems within your relationship and within your home. The minute one party moves out, it''s as good as over. It only goes from bad to worse, and, in my experience, the harder you fight for it, the more it slips through your fingers.

Satisfy your urges yourself in the meantime, until he decides what he wants. If he decides he wants his freedom, then you are of course free to do what you like as well, but contain it until you know which way it''s going to go, because as I said. It is ok for men to sleep around, but women become the unfaithful cheaters. Do not give him that ammunition to use against you.

All the best. I hope that did not sound harsh

Reply to JR
Posted by: Shozi | 2013-01-29

I hear you Ntate, problem is i dnt feel that way with him otherwise I wld hv taken advantage of his visits.

Sk and Skye, thanks for your advices. Makes so much sense i wont ignore them.

Reply to Shozi
Posted by: Ntate | 2013-01-29

Its just a physical desire, no more no less. If it MUST be quenched, let him do it when he comes once or twice a week to see the little one.

Reply to Ntate
Posted by: SK | 2013-01-29

I agree with Skype, however I think you should also look some where else but please do not bring the new love to your house. Keep it secret or away from him.

He might feel like he is not really married to you. Yes I know he paid lobola but many men have gotten away with it. Move on with your life discreetly.

Reply to SK
Posted by: Skye | 2013-01-29

To be blunt, he is getting it from someone else but is not yet certain about the future of your relationship hence hes stringing you along. hes probably trying to weigh his options before he can tell you for real whats what.

For your dignity, wait until he decides . . . you dont want him to hang on to your infidelity or use that as an excuse so dont make it easy for him. let him stew ....... he must sort himself out . . . do not help him cause he willl hold on to it forever as though he would have stayed should he end up leaving you for good for another chick.

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