Posted by: Anonymous | 2009-05-11

He flirts and says he won' t stop


I am engaged to be married .. been together for about 3 years, a few weeks ago.. he started accusing me of cheating on him.. I couldn' t undestand why he suddenly started behaving this way. It was causing a lot of anger for me and even though we spoke about it, he still insists that I was cheating on him.

So I decided to do an investigation of what was going on... so I checked his emails.. his snail mail even his cellphone.. (know this is wrong).. anyway, I found not so innocent, flirtoues smses from a lady, whose name was not saved on his phone... these SMSes where indicating that she wanted to get intimate with him and that she wanted him.... I later phoned this woman and asked her if she knew any guy with my partner' s name and she said yes...she didn' t ask why I phoned her instead she just agreed to all my questions and we both said goodbye...I was so upset about it, but decided to stay calm. So few days ago I confronted him about the SMSes.. he wasn' t upset that I was checking his staff and actually admitted that he flirts with other women and even though he will never get physical or serious with them, that he will not stop doing it because it is innocent flirting.....

Is this guy for real.. I am so confused and at a loss of words and what to do... can people really just flirt and end it there?

I love him and I am committed to relationship but I am worried now.


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Our expert says:
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Flirting is NOT innocent in a man who is engaged, let alone married, and to declare that he has no intention of stopping this, is a bad sign for any long-term relationship. Its what I think former US President Jimmy Carter called Adultery in your heart, even if not physically. His having acusd you of cheating, without any evidence of that, is also obviously a bad sign, and suggests a feeling of guilt and self-esteem problems.
Do not agree to proceed to marriage unless and until this is sorted out. How would he feel if you flirted freelly wih other men, and just told him that it wasn't serious ? I doubt he'd feel that was fine. Suggest relationship counselling pre-mariage to see if this can be sorted out. IF he refuses, that'd be a very bad sin, and should probably be a deal-breaker as regards the marriage

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Our users say:
Posted by: Liza | 2009-05-11

He might say that the flirting won' t become more serious, but can he prove it? The only real proof is if he stops. And accusing you of cheating, without a foundation for his accusations, usually means that he is feeling guilty about his own actions.

You' re committed to the relationship - he clearly isn' t, even if you are engaged. Whatever you do - DONT get married while he continues with this behaviour. I would even suggest - tell him that if he doesn' t stop, the engagement is off. And mean it And actually follow through! You deserve better than what he is offering currently!

Good Luck

Reply to Liza

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