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Question
Posted by: Me again | 2012/03/04

He denied me in front of his other gf

i have been dating this guy on-off for a period of 10 yrs now. I found out that he had another gf 2 yrs into the relationship, they had been dating for 8 yrs at the time. I stayed then left when i realised he was never gonna choose, but i would always go back to him.
last week i bumped into the gf while she was waiting for him in his car, i introdeuced myself and she said shhe had abt me years before.she told me they were co-habiting.When he got there, we asked him to introduce us and he said she was the mother of his child and she was his woman and i was just his friend and that we''d broken up over two yrs ago and had not slept together this yr.All this was a lie, as the last time i''d slept with him was last month and he told me he would like to make me his second wife and he had been saying this over the years. He proved once more that day that he was just using me and that i never meant anything to me, my friends always told me to leave, i knew better but was foolish enough to say bcos i loved him so much.
When the gf and i confronted him abt what has been goin on btwm him and I, he denied everythin but then would only admit to those that the gf said that i had has shown me the proof already, like the call he''d made to me that morning.
He denied every saying all these things to me, and man-handled me in front of this other gf. He throttled me twice b4 but i found out he had never been abusive towards her. I had made this guy number one in my life, gave him everything i had and love and all. He took it all and then threw my love right back in my face and told me never to contact him again.

I feel so very deeply hurt and stupid bcos i stayed in this miserable relship for far too long even though the signs that he loved her and not me were always there. But what is done is done, i cant turn back time. i just need to move on but i dont know how.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

You found out he had another girlfriend who he had been with for much longer than he had been with you, yet you chose to remain in a relationship with him, knowing he was cheerfully cheating on her, and would be very likely to cheat on you, and that this relationship you were enabling would be hurtful to the other woman.
You left half-heartedly, but kept going back to the rat.
Then when you meet her, you tolerate him lying shamelessly to her about you ? Of course he was using you, and her, and maybe others besides.
What on earth do you find loveable about a guy like that ?
Yes, you were foolish, as you well know. But don't feel sorry for yourself, because you knew for a long time he was cheating on you with her, and cheating on her with you, and that somehow satisfied you. Instead of broodin about the past, learn from it, and don't make abny contact with him again, nomater what he might say to manipulate you again. See a counsellor to gain some self-respect and assertiveness, too.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Me again | 2012/03/05

Thank u so much for ur advice Memsaab. i really appreciate it and will heed it.

Reply to Me again
Posted by: Memsaab | 2012/03/05

Jus to add: Don''t ever contact him, don''t google him, don''t take his calls (if he does call) and  speak about it to friends - when you feel lonely call someone you trust or do something that takes your mind off things. You must work on yourself, become who you want to be (physically, emotionally, professionally, spiritually, socially).

Reply to Memsaab
Posted by: memsaab | 2012/03/05

Many of responses do blame you for staying in the relationship. We do often get caught in the fantasy of the relationship - often thinking that the other person will treat us as we treat them. This doesn''t happen in reality. If you allow people to manipulate you then they will. You have to learn to live for yourself. Its a hard task. It takes time. But  attempt to set goals for urself and always make an effort to achieve.

This man is psychotic. No man (or woman) should use another person as their doormat. People understand the raw emotions that go through you when you have been used. I''m sorry you have had to go through this. But  you have to work on yourself and self-esteem until you have overcome the hurt and pain. I''m trying this too in my life.

You will meet someone who treats you better. And  remember, every dog has his day!!

Reply to memsaab
Posted by: Megs | 2012/03/05

Sorry, just to explain myself when I say you were the one in the wrong, I mean to stay in a relationship with a man who has been with his girlfriend for who knows how many years.

Reply to Megs
Posted by: Megs | 2012/03/05

You were very stupid to stay in the relationship. You KNEW that he was in a relationship and you STILL “ made this guy number one” ?

If YOU feel hurt, think of how his live in partner, “ the mother of his child”  feels.

You know how you move on? Realize you were the one in the wrong and quite frankly, you have no right to feel hurt and betrayed.

Reply to Megs
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/03/05

You found out he had another girlfriend who he had been with for much longer than he had been with you, yet you chose to remain in a relationship with him, knowing he was cheerfully cheating on her, and would be very likely to cheat on you, and that this relationship you were enabling would be hurtful to the other woman.
You left half-heartedly, but kept going back to the rat.
Then when you meet her, you tolerate him lying shamelessly to her about you ? Of course he was using you, and her, and maybe others besides.
What on earth do you find loveable about a guy like that ?
Yes, you were foolish, as you well know. But don't feel sorry for yourself, because you knew for a long time he was cheating on you with her, and cheating on her with you, and that somehow satisfied you. Instead of broodin about the past, learn from it, and don't make abny contact with him again, nomater what he might say to manipulate you again. See a counsellor to gain some self-respect and assertiveness, too.

Reply to cybershrink

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