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Question
Posted by: stacey | 2010-02-14

he couldn' t be bothered

I keep complaining to him that I want us to put more effort into this relationship for months now.he is just focused on his job. together 2.5 years now.just yest afternoon had major argument that he does nothing ie send me sms out the blue,telling me I' m beautiful, sending me pics of himself just to add spice. he just doesn' t seem 2do anything. he says he' ll start. I woke up to nothing on Valentines day. but an argument. wot must I do?i need someone to think I' m amazing again. I don' t want couples counselling. I need to figure out if I want 2 be with him anymore. I' m not working (not by choice) and am v dependent on him. how do I start on my own with nothing on my own?when he works late I get anxious that he gets to be with his mates and I' m stuck at home waiting for him with a hot meal I spent ages on. he does nothing out of his own for me. I' m stuck

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Its important to form a relatonship with the person AS THEY ARE, rather than with the person you would like them to change into. Some folks are, for various reasons, deeply concentrated on their work.
And while this guy may be a bit unimaginative and undemonstrative about his feelings for you, I wonder how you are in return ? What did YOU do for HIM for Valentine's Day. for instance ( its not a festival entirely about men sending stuff to women, and should be well balanced ).
It's a pity if he no longer makes you feel amazing - do you still make HIM feel amazing ?
Apparently, if I understand you, he has given you the grat luxury of choosing not to work, and has allowed you to be dependent on him - this was your choice, and you could have worked and become independent. It's not his fault you chose otherwise.
Does he WORK late ? Or is he "with his mates" until late ? There's a difference. At least, simple courtesy demands that he keep you well informed as to his plans and times, so you don't prepare a meal without knowing when he will be home to enjoy it.

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4
Our users say:
Posted by: Heath | 2010-02-15

Stacey says " I'  m not working (not by choice)"  which tells me that it ISN' T her choice not to be working...perhaps retrenched and finding it difficult to find a job in the current situation??? Being so dependant on somebody who is not 100% committed can certainly make one feel insecure. I feel that if she is telling him what she feels and what she needs and he doesn' t make the effort to try these things to make her happy, he is creating the impression that he doesn' t care. Perhaps it is the way that she is telling him? Try writing a loving letter rather than talking if that just leads to arguments.

Reply to Heath
Posted by: qwerty | 2010-02-15

CS makes a very important point - rather than telling him repeatedly what he' s doing wrong and what he needs to be doing in the relationship, why don' t you start doing the things for him you' d like him to be doing for you..?
Reep what you sow kind of thing... If he comes home to a warm, loving, welcoming partner, he' ll probably start appreciating you more. But if he keeps coming home to unhappiness and arguments, he' s not going to be very motivated to try harder.

Reply to qwerty
Posted by: Conny | 2010-02-14

Dear I am married 7 yrs and have yet to get a Valentines present. Unfortunately for me I have to work, and have kids to take care of as well. You really dug your grave dear. You could have chosen to work you know.


Can you imagine how I feel. I cook good meals and go out of my way for hubby and always get him gifts and I work really hard and I too dont get the same appreciation.

Reply to Conny
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010-02-14

Its important to form a relatonship with the person AS THEY ARE, rather than with the person you would like them to change into. Some folks are, for various reasons, deeply concentrated on their work.
And while this guy may be a bit unimaginative and undemonstrative about his feelings for you, I wonder how you are in return ? What did YOU do for HIM for Valentine's Day. for instance ( its not a festival entirely about men sending stuff to women, and should be well balanced ).
It's a pity if he no longer makes you feel amazing - do you still make HIM feel amazing ?
Apparently, if I understand you, he has given you the grat luxury of choosing not to work, and has allowed you to be dependent on him - this was your choice, and you could have worked and become independent. It's not his fault you chose otherwise.
Does he WORK late ? Or is he "with his mates" until late ? There's a difference. At least, simple courtesy demands that he keep you well informed as to his plans and times, so you don't prepare a meal without knowing when he will be home to enjoy it.

Reply to cybershrink

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