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Question
Posted by: john | 2010/01/27

having to choose

Well im south african living in northern ireland im in the british army and have been for 8 years. I have my family and my 3 year old son who lives in south africa. I fell in love with a northern irish girl whos 40 and have a 16 year old son. im 28 weve been togheter for 2 years and are planning to get married next december . These plans have been put on hold because we are having problems. My family is afrikaans and took my girlfriend and her son home december just gone to meet the family . Things didnt go very well , she had dramas with my family speaking alot of afrikaans even when they had there friend over. But i can handle it its something i can work with . She only stayed a week because she had to go back to work and we went over to SA on boxing day because she wanted to spend christmas with her family. I stayed in SA and flew up to Cape Town to go and spend some time with my boy who i only see once a year because of my work.

On my arrival back in Northern Ireland she has given me ultimatums. Told me that i could never go back to SA over christmas and only once every other year. She also said that she would never go at christmas time when we do go . I feel that she is being unfare and that she whants me to choose between my family and her. Ive said to her that i need to go back once a year to spend some time with my son and would be happy enough to spend one christmas with my family and the next with hers .

Her reply was that she will never spend christmas away from her family , and when we have our own children i need to spend christmas with my new family because thats where my priorities lie , and that ive chosen to leave SA.My family cant afford to fly over to the uk to visit. She asked me if would be able to live with myself if i had to go to SA over christmas on my own leaving her with our children and when they ask where daddy is going what will i say to them . I replied by saying that i would want her to come along but she is adamant that she will never go . I feel that ive compromised alot , ive stopped drinking and smoking. It always feels to me that she whants things her way and if it isnt to her liking she get very upset and threatens to end our relationship. I dont know which way to go anymore i love her very much and would like to spend the rest of my life with her , but i feel shes making me choose between those i love her included. I need some advice

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

She sounds too old ( in personality terms, and maturity, rather than just in calenday years ) for you, and too selfish and self-centred. At her age she probably doesn't have a great many options in relationships, and someone with army benefits and pension could be a desirable match.
But neither of you can or should ignore both your natural wish to visit your own family and especially to maintain some sort of relationship with your son.
For her to be laying down the law in such a rigid and dogmatic way, with so little respect for your wishes or the needs of your son, is inappropriate and selfish.
WHy does she worry about how to explain to her kids why Daddy is away at Christmas when it is entirely her choice that they are not with Daddy ? Why does she not worry about how anyone would explain to your son in SA why Daddy can't come to see him at all ?
Did her first husband die or divorce her ? The latter would be understandable if this is how she treated him.
Be very wary of marrying a woman who seems to love you much less than you love her, and who demands that your love must be exclusively hers, and not shaed with your son and your own family.


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Our users say:
Posted by: Leez | 2010/01/28

She sounds terribly selfish and arrogant. Why you are still with her beats me. You need to open your eyes and see that this woman wants to mother you due to the age difference - that' s obvious from your post. Move on while you still have your youth.

Reply to Leez
Posted by: Woman | 2010/01/28

Dating an older woman is a learning experience for a young man. But there is something amiss here. You have a child here and she wishes to take what little time you can spend with him, away.

She seems selfish, self absorbed and clingy. Goodness, you' re a young man, and you have responsibilities to your family. If she cannot understand that (at her age), then it will never change!

And you have to make the choice of whether you want to live with that for the rest of your life. (because marriage IS for the rest of your life).

Good luck to you.

Reply to Woman
Posted by: Nia | 2010/01/28

Why on earth would you WANT to spend the rest of your life with a selfish woman that is not even willing to allow you to have a life of your own and make choices you value?

What about the poor 3 year old that did not ask to be here?

Even worse ... why do a nice young man like you want to be with an older woman with a child, putting demands on you that are unreasonable? Surely there are lots of available, sweet ladies of your age available in Ireland? In fact ... my friend is married to a lovely Irish lady who is now happily living with him in SA and never wants to go back ... ?

Reply to Nia
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/01/28

She sounds too old ( in personality terms, and maturity, rather than just in calenday years ) for you, and too selfish and self-centred. At her age she probably doesn't have a great many options in relationships, and someone with army benefits and pension could be a desirable match.
But neither of you can or should ignore both your natural wish to visit your own family and especially to maintain some sort of relationship with your son.
For her to be laying down the law in such a rigid and dogmatic way, with so little respect for your wishes or the needs of your son, is inappropriate and selfish.
WHy does she worry about how to explain to her kids why Daddy is away at Christmas when it is entirely her choice that they are not with Daddy ? Why does she not worry about how anyone would explain to your son in SA why Daddy can't come to see him at all ?
Did her first husband die or divorce her ? The latter would be understandable if this is how she treated him.
Be very wary of marrying a woman who seems to love you much less than you love her, and who demands that your love must be exclusively hers, and not shaed with your son and your own family.


Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Np | 2010/01/27

Ok this is going to sound harsh but i think she does not love you as much as you love her.She is controling you &  and I' m not suprised because she' s much older than you. Leave the -|- en bitch and get someone your age group. She is going to make desert your your family &  paly you like shit &  when she' s finished with you she will tosse you like a hot potato.

Reply to Np

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