Posted by: Anon4now | 2008-11-14

Having baby?

I want to ask advice.
I have been married to a wonderful man for 4 years. I love him with all my heart. He has a 5 yr old daughter from a previous relationship, and I have an 8 year old from my previous relationship.
I am aching to have another baby. With nobody but my husband.
What is wrong with wanting a baby with the man I love more than life itself? My husband is absolutely not interested in having a baby with me. He can' t answer me WHY he doesn' t want another baby. He never answers me, and ALWAYS changes the subject. We have had fight after fight about it, but it' s not helping. I can' t change how he feels. But I also can' t help how I feel. But he doesn' t tell me WHY he doesn' t want a child?!

His daughter spends 2 weeks out of a 4 week month with us.
She is totally out of control, cries for EVERYTHING and just gets her way, where my son was taught discipline from day 1. This child turns the whole household upside down. She eats when and if she wants to, doesn' t have to brush her teeth - she cries and gets away with it - lives on sweets (my son has to eat his food before he gets one sweet), wakes up crying like a baby for attention 4 to 5 times a night. Daddy goes to her bed, pats her back, tickles her back to sleep (which lasts 2 hours at the most and he has to cuddle her back to sleep). In the meantime she keeps us ALL awake, we have to go to work the next day, my son has to go to school, and we are all pooped because she' s kept us up. When I tell her to stop throwing her food around, or to clean up after herself, she glares at me, rolls her eyes, and goes over to her dad - SHOWING me she won' t listen to me, and then my husband tells me I' m being ugly and too hard on her.

I have spoken to him about it a LOT of times, and he keeps telling me that I hate his daughter because I am jealous of her. I mean, really, I don' t hate her, I just dislike her, and the reasons for that is OBVIOUS. I don' t know what to do anymore, I love my husband with everything inside of me, but I' m not prepared to go through my life with this brat, and with this craving to have another baby and not being allowed to. Help please.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

There's nothing WRONG in wanting a baby with him --- and nothing WRONG with him not wanting one. He can't put into words why he doesn't want one --- Idoubt that you can put into words why you do. Its not about words.
You need to have a calm discussion with him ( with the aid of a family counsellor, perhaps ) about the daughter, Its confusing for a child to face different discipline rules and procedures, but it sounds as though he feel guilty about his divorce and thus hesitant nto give her the gift of discipline. What you describe as his behaviour, is an excellent training program to teach a kid to misbehave and become unrealistically selfish an with unrealistic expectations of the world, which will ultimately hurt her badly when she finds nobody else on earth signed on to Dad's over-indulgence plan.
He HAS to agree with you a reasonable set of rules and consequences for her behaviour when she visits, which BOTH of you must explain to her firmly, and apply identically. As Maria says, he needs to learn that applying no rules actually makes a child more insecure --- they can become actually frightened at their own power and lack of limits.
With a daughter like this, on could understand his hesitation about having another child --- and until he modifies his p[arenting skills, you wouldn't want to raise another monster, either. Family therapy / counselling would be the best plan

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Our users say:
Posted by: Maria | 2008-11-14

Perhaps if your husband gets more pleasure and satisfaction out of parenting his daughter he would be more inclined to consider having a baby.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Maria | 2008-11-14

Explain to your husband that his daughter is acting out because she feels insecure. Children NEED rules and boundaries to feel safe. They need to feel that someone is in control and that someone must be the adults in their life. Yes they will fight against discipline sometimes, but a the same time they crave it.

Maybe you should all go for some family therapy to try and sort out these issues?

Reply to Maria

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