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Question
Posted by: Shelby | 2010-02-24

Have to stop working with him cause of my feelings for him

How do I tell a man I can''t continue our relationship of working together because my feelings for him is deeper than just work and friendship. It hurts me just to see him now .. we''re both single but I do not think he is thinking into anything more than friendship and work ..

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Its not clear from your message in what was you work with him. Is this one-to-one work on a project owened by the pair of you, or do you both work for a company or organization, and happen to work near and sometimes with each other ?
It seems to me that infatuation, especially of this one-sided kind, is almost all about the infatuated person and their needs, and has surprisingly little to do with the target of the infatuation. Sometimes it arises from rather profound needs in the infatuator, that would best be explored and dealt with in counselling, before involving the infatuatee.
Where I might disagree with qwerty, is that you are probably not in any position to objectively or acurately assess his responses to a test coffee or movie evening - as humans, we tend to see what we are looking for, rather than what is actually there.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Shelby | 2010-03-07

No .. I did not withdraw .. and no .. it does not get easier...

Reply to Shelby
Posted by: qwerty | 2010-02-26

Wow, that does change things quite a bit. Maybe then the best thing would be to be honest with him and tell him your true reasons? If not face to face, maybe in a letter or email. Tell him that you don''t want your personal feelings to get in the way of the mission, but under the circumstances you feel it would be best if you stepped back from this particular project.

This must be so hard for you!! Good luck...

Reply to qwerty
Posted by: mowzy | 2010-02-25

I''m glad he is single. My boyfriend dated a colleague while he was with me so i dont take kindly to these things. I hate women that give themselves to men that are in relationships. They are taking back womens struggle.

Reply to mowzy
Posted by: Shelby | 2010-02-25

Thanks for the response, it does help in my decisions. Well, we’ re working together on a youth missionary, where him and myself are working VERY closely –  we’ re like leading the whole thing. And for the success of this mission we will be working even more closer.
Because of the focus we need to keep, there is little to no time for a relationship, and I’ m sure that’ s his take on things as well. I know that it will distract us .. and yet .. what will I do with this feelings now. Can assure you it’ s not an infatuation since my life is not organised for this at all.
Thus the thought of withdrawing from it all. He will be able to replace me. Just how do I tell him .. if I don’ t tell the truth he’ ll think I wasn’ t capable of pulling it off. Or my passion was not great enough .. both of which is very far from the truth.

Reply to Shelby
Posted by: qwerty | 2010-02-25

Now THAT I can relate to... I was in the exact same situation, and I was infatuated with a colleague of mine who didn''t seem to reciprocate what I was feeling. We were actually really good friends too, and it killed me to be around him so much with no apparent future for us... But my story has a happy ending as our friendship eventually developed into something more and today we''re married! :)

I''m not saying everyone''s story will always work out like this, but I do understand your position very well. At some point I might have changed jobs myself had I been able..... Are you sure there is definitely no future for you two together? I mean, you can normally tell, but if there is a chance, it might be worthwhile sticking it out a bit longer.

Do you spend any time together outside of work? In my case, what changed the dynamic of our relationship was when we started seeing each other over weekends - just as friends at first. Invite him over to watch a DVD, or to go see a movie, and see what happens! You should hopefully be able to gauge his reaction, and maybe you''ll get your answer. Or maybe you''ll be surprised!

If you are sure there are no feelings from his side, and if you have a viable option to change to, it might be worthwhile changing jobs. Out of sight, out of mind! At least you''ll be able to move on and meet someone else, without the constant reminder of unrequited love. (nothing hurts quite as much...) And you needn''t disclose your reasons to him directly, you could just leave. Unless you wanted to sit him down and tell him everything, to give him one last chance to respond, so to speak. Either way, if you make a clean break, it will be easier for you to move on.

All the best to you!! Let us know what happens...

Reply to qwerty
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010-02-25

Its not clear from your message in what was you work with him. Is this one-to-one work on a project owened by the pair of you, or do you both work for a company or organization, and happen to work near and sometimes with each other ?
It seems to me that infatuation, especially of this one-sided kind, is almost all about the infatuated person and their needs, and has surprisingly little to do with the target of the infatuation. Sometimes it arises from rather profound needs in the infatuator, that would best be explored and dealt with in counselling, before involving the infatuatee.
Where I might disagree with qwerty, is that you are probably not in any position to objectively or acurately assess his responses to a test coffee or movie evening - as humans, we tend to see what we are looking for, rather than what is actually there.

Reply to cybershrink

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