Posted by: Lisa | 2012-11-30

Hate my dad

I have been feeling really guilty becaus lately I feel a lot of resentment towards my dad but he died 18 years ago when I was 16!
Whenever somebody talks about their dad I really have strong feelings of hate towards him even though he past away such a long time ago.
I remeber that he was really concerned about our family image and what people thought of us and I didn''t like them about him.My mom was always over weight and he used to give her a lot of grieve about it - sometimes in a very insensitive and cruel way.He was also not good at managing our family finances (even though he was an accounted!) which caused a lot of flights between him and my mom but is this enough for me to feel this way?He was very popular and their was hundreds of people at his funeral but I can''t even remember being that sad.I
I don''t think having these feelings is normal or good for me but I dont have control over it and feel really bad about it and its llike keeping a dark secret.

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Our expert says:
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Feeling guilty in this sort of situation is not appropriate ( you dont deserve to feel guilty for feeling angry towards your dad, thousands of kids do ) but above all guilt long after the event is not USEFUL.
From the sound of it, he probably meant well, but then many horrible things have been done, among individuals or historically speaking, by people who meant well. And it sounds as though he was indeed insensitive, and cruel. People who may be really horrible at home, may be nice to other people and liked in the communicty, mainly among people who didn't know them well.
It would be a very good idea for you to see a good psychologist for counselling to work through all these worries, as there is no value and much unnecessary pain in continuing to brood and feel bad about whatever happened in the past. Free yourself from that burden, and become free to move on to a happier future.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Lisa | 2012-11-30

Thanks Milla and Jenna for your advise.
He wasn''t all bad, I have good memories of him too but even if I try to focuss just on the positive, it only last for that moment.
I feel I don''t have control over the hate feelings- its like someone kicking you and them asking you not to feel pain.
It is an impulse which make me feel really bad and guilty for feeling so.This also don''t help in trying to let it just go.

Reply to Lisa
Posted by: Milla | 2012-11-30

I wouldn''t feel too bad about it and I don''t think it''s abnormal, people earn our respect and love through there actions, we don''t suddenly start loving them a whole bunch more simply because they have passed on or forget all of the bad.

About the fact that he was popular and the hundreds of people who came to his funeral - how many of them lived in your house and got to seem him as frequently as you and your mom? Majority of those people most likely never got to see his bad side.

That all being said, no one is just all bad, surely there is something more positive you can remember about him if you chose to? To spite not managing the household finances all that well, you always had a roof over you head? Food in your belly? Was able to get an education? Health care was avialable when needed? Some luxuries atleast that you can think of (nice clothes, holidays, toys etc.)? Considering how many children go without or have deadbeat dads, you can be proud of your dad for providing, albeit not always perfectly, for his family.

I''m not going to suggest that being insensitive or cruel is OK, but if there was no medical reason why your mother was overweight and it was due to a lack of her willingness to live a healthy and balanced lifestyle then you can''t really blame your dad for occasionally losing his patience with her. It gets frustrating to watch someone you love live in an unhealthy state. Was he always just nasty? If he had so many friends and family show up at his funeral I can''t think that''s the truth.

Reply to Milla
Posted by: Jenna | 2012-11-30

I do think it would be a good idea to try let go of these feelings... harbouring those kinds of feelings for so long will only make you bitter in the end.

Your father sounds like he wasn''t the most tactful person around, and maybe he was careless too, but at least he didn''t hit her? Emotional abuse is not acceptable either, not saying that in the least, and I don''t want to say that it couldn''t have been that bad if your mother stayed (because I know that in some cases the abused person just cannot let go) but what I am saying is that maybe you need to try look at the silver lining (no matter how difficult that is) to try and move on from these feelings.

To feel so lowly about him for so long isn''t healthy.

How did your mother feel when he died?

Maybe you need to speak to someone about him, and get some clarity on WHY you feel like this, and what you can do to rid yourself of the negative feelings.

Reply to Jenna

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