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Question
Posted by: Anon | 2012/04/02

Hard time

I am really having a hard time trying to understand life at the moment and I''m feeling pretty darn sorry for myself too. Life is good to me, I mean, it could be a hell of a lot worse. I work hard, I''m a good person and I don''t ask for too much in return. I have handled all the ups and downs life has given me given because, one day... One day, I don''t know anymore? You see the thing is I''m a mom. Its my thing and I love it. I''ve wanted nothing more than to be a mom my whole life. From as young as I can remember I had this dream of a little girl. I''ve dressed her, named her and she was my little girl. Well, life happened and I had two boys. Great boys, they are my life. They''re big now but they still bring me endless joy. I often look back and think why I could not have had a girl. Is there a reason for it? Something I could have done or did which is why the one thing I wanted so badly did not happen. I have this constant feeling of waiting and longing. I can''t help but say its not fair and I know that is wrong and I dare not be ungreatful but lately I can''t help it. Just putting it out there brings tears to my eyes.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Well said Liza !
Life is not fair, and never has been, and never will be. But on the whole it is enjoyable and worth working within its frameworks.
Nothing in life or anywhere else guarantees you a girl. Exactly why any individual pregnancy produces a boy or girl child is still not understood, but there are women who bear a dozen boys, or girls, or any combination thereof. Nothing you did affected the outcome.
The problem lies more in the realm of what we call an "over-valued idea", your assumption early on that only having a girl, and doing girly things with her, could bring you the ultimate happiness - its a fantasy that you believed in, and you feel disappointed because i didn't happen. In fact, you might have had a little girl and found to your amazement that it was sorely disappointing and not at all the way you imagined.
Life may not seem fair, but it is realisic, and what you imagined was not realistic. Tending to set aside everything that is good and fortunate in your life ( which you acknowledge is there ) to pine for one thing that didn't happen to match your imaginings, is a sure recipe for disappointment and feeling bad. Its like someone mourning because they never became a pop star.
Counselling, especially of the CBT ( Cognitive-Behaviour Therapy ) format, which specifically helps us to examine, evaluate and revise some of ones more unhelpful assumptions about life, could be very helpful indeed, and I strongly recommend it. You could learn to enjoy the life you have even more than you already do, and to stop allowing it to be tarnished by hankering after dreams that were never guaranteed.

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Liza | 2012/04/03

You have to stop thinking ''what if''. Dwelling on the subject is NEVER going to change anything - so why continue with these destructive thoughts? CBT-style therapy is great to teach you how to change destructive thoughts into positive thoughts.

''I can''t help but say it''s not fair'' - Fairness has absolutely NOTHING to do with it. You say it like a little kid who''s trying to talk their mom into buying something for them because ''everyone else has it''. Rather focus on what you DO have than on what you don''t. Life isn''t fair. It''s never going to be fair and no amount of crying about it is going to change that fact. If your life feels empty - go out and find something to fill it with. Just remember - you can change your future but you can''t change your past!

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/04/03

Well said Liza !
Life is not fair, and never has been, and never will be. But on the whole it is enjoyable and worth working within its frameworks.
Nothing in life or anywhere else guarantees you a girl. Exactly why any individual pregnancy produces a boy or girl child is still not understood, but there are women who bear a dozen boys, or girls, or any combination thereof. Nothing you did affected the outcome.
The problem lies more in the realm of what we call an "over-valued idea", your assumption early on that only having a girl, and doing girly things with her, could bring you the ultimate happiness - its a fantasy that you believed in, and you feel disappointed because i didn't happen. In fact, you might have had a little girl and found to your amazement that it was sorely disappointing and not at all the way you imagined.
Life may not seem fair, but it is realisic, and what you imagined was not realistic. Tending to set aside everything that is good and fortunate in your life ( which you acknowledge is there ) to pine for one thing that didn't happen to match your imaginings, is a sure recipe for disappointment and feeling bad. Its like someone mourning because they never became a pop star.
Counselling, especially of the CBT ( Cognitive-Behaviour Therapy ) format, which specifically helps us to examine, evaluate and revise some of ones more unhelpful assumptions about life, could be very helpful indeed, and I strongly recommend it. You could learn to enjoy the life you have even more than you already do, and to stop allowing it to be tarnished by hankering after dreams that were never guaranteed.

Reply to cybershrink

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