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Posted by: gus | 2009/03/19

habit and impulse disorders

My husband, who claims to and does love me very much, persists in trying to form ' friendships'  with other women even though it has been the cause of much hurt to me over the past 7 years. He has been diagnosed by a psychiatrist as mildly ADD and poor impulse control, the area of concern being his ability to cope and inappropriate mechanisms that he uses. He also has intermittent explosive tempers, and has become very violent on occasion, or usually runs away for hours in a terrible mood. Why does he want close and sharing relationships with other women? This he tries to achieve by any means, by conversation, emails and now recently on the internet having private correspondence with a widow of the same religion as us. He usually wants me to know of these, and is happy to promise me that he agrees with my opinions and will never try to form anything like this again. But no sooner done, a week or two, and somebody new on the scene. Please adivise me, as 2 doctors say i' m wasting my time and if I cant cope with his immaturity (they think quite severe) that I should quit the marriage???

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Even with mild ADD and poor impulse control, that just means it's a bit more difficult to control some impulses, not that it's impossible to do so. And forming other friendships isn'\t simply an impulsive thing --- it takes time and effort, and there are many opportunities for him to recognize what he's begun, and stop it. The tempers and violence are much more serious, and the doctors should be asked to help him with this, both with psychotherapy and some medicatons which may make the anger easier for him to control.
If the doctors really believe this is uncontrollable and he won't grow up for a decade or two, you may well be wise to re-consider the wisdom of this marriage ; but to act cautiously so as not to become a recipient of his violence

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Our users say:
Posted by: gus | 2009/03/19

Hi Creepy!

I know where you' re coming from. Thought i must tell you how alike we actually think. Problem is, my practicality is forced to be in compliance with my religion and beliefs. Luckily enough, even the Catholic Church, which I belong to, allows for separation when a point of no return is reached. It' s just the getting there!!! It really has to be unbearable or dangerous to quit instantly.

I' m sure what i' m saying will frustrate you even more, ha ha, but I wouldn' t be me if I didn' t give it my best shot. My psych has already pointed out my major problem, that is, I dont set up any boundaries with the people I love, just shakes his head and insists I do. Good news, is i' m learning how, possibly i' m a slow learner or maybe a Romantic...wish one never had to have ' boundaries' . Suppose we, being human, all have a tendency to take advantage of others, or simply be selfish. So thanks, will consider myself and my spiritual and mental wellbeing too, and if he ends up being a ' lost cause'  then he can do it by himself. Thanks and God Bless

Reply to gus
Posted by: gus | 2009/03/19

Thank you Cybershrink, I really appreciate your advice and caution. Never thought of the friendship thing that way, it does take time and effort, even if sparked off by impulse for gratification. I like your comment about taking a decade or two to grow up!, i like the humour, keeps a survivor like me going... You have strengthened my resolve.The solution lies in going back to the psychiatrist that was treating him last year, who has known me for many years, since his medical school days. I must remark that in the past year i have not suffered any violence at his hands, but some close shaves now and then. Will ask doctor for help re: his temper control. thanks again..

Reply to gus
Posted by: Creepy ! | 2009/03/19

Oh yes, that is creepy alright. Personally I would not tolerate it for one moment. Why put yourself through this and spend your precious life bothering with someone like that.? I would out as soon as possible. Remember you onloy have one life and no one expects you to waste it on a lost cause. You cannot be responsible for anyone elses behaviour or mental disabilities. Leave him to get on with it. No nits not being insensitive, simply practical.

Reply to Creepy !

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