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Question
Posted by: Achy | 2011/05/06

Guilty

My father passed away three weeks ago at the age of 73 due to a broken hip and contracting pneumonia while in hospital. It was very sad as we all thought my dad would pull through and be ok although the doctor told us there is a 40/60 chance if they do the operation.

However on the day that he passed away i was the one that walked in and saw the sheet over my dads head at the nurse or doctor did not inform us. I was strong - my mom lost it, but is ok.

My mom has cried a lot, however i am not able to cry and let it out. I arranged the funeral and all and it was done with. I am 30 and my parents reside with me and i was never able to have friends over because i date inter racially and we are greek. So that was off limits - nobody could come near the house and, well, eventually i lived with the fact and left it and if i did want to meet somebody i would meet at a public place.

Anyway so last night my mom and i were having supper all the time with her guests and her friends coming over to be with her and share their stories of the old days, i have not said no to this as she needs to grieve and i have tried to help her through this time.

However last night when i asked if i could have a friend over for supper this evening it ended up in a very horrible cold fight. I was told that i am to blame for my dads death because with me dating interacially, and that its my fault and that i have no respect.

She also told me that i should remember what i have done and that i should sit on ice during the day when i go to work because i must not let the madness get to her and she takes her own life. She says i must be afraid and not push her too much because she will do it. I asked her if she was threatening me and she said no she is telling me.

She then proceeded to tell me that she does not wish to talk to strangers (my friend) or have anybody in the house because her husband is dead. As if its not my father now. But its ok for her to have our neighbours and friends over. Some of the neighbours we have never spoken to yet she can confide in them.

Anyway this really hurt me and i just thought about it and i thought that i am paying the rent and it is my home so i should also be able to do what i want in it - like have a friend. She said should the friend come she will be very horrible and nasty and she will go sit in her room so that she does not see what we doing - i mean, come on!!!!.

Therefore i decided to say that i will rather go out so she says she is going to switch her phone off so that i don't know what is happening to her at home. (she does this so that i can say i am not going out and will stay and watch her)

I am sorry my dads death is a loss and we are all mouring, but our lives go on and she enjoyed 40 years with him whereas i have not even had a child or proper relationship because i was always too caring about parents. I just need help because i feel like i am being eaten away on the inside and it is killing me as i feel this is an abusive verbal relationship that takes place and mentally it is killing me. What should i do?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

The problem with Truth's comments is that as this has always been your mother's position, there is no reason to expect i to change in weeks or months.

You need to gently but firmly tell her this is YOUR home, which YOU pay for, and you will date and entertain whoever you want to.

In the meantime, she can indeed must stay in her own room during such visits unless she can promise to behave politely and pleasantly.

And meanwhile, she should use this time when the family and community are mobilized in her support, to find some other, more traditional family to live with, where they will support her very old-fashioned ways.

Otherwise, you will become old, giving up your own pleasures in life, to serve her commandments. And don't accept her blackmail attempts to control you, either.

I agree with Liza here.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Guilty | 2011/05/10

Thanks to everybody for the comments. Liza i believe you and i understand each other well.

Reply to Guilty
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/05/07

The problem with Truth's comments is that as this has always been your mother's position, there is no reason to expect i to change in weeks or months.

You need to gently but firmly tell her this is YOUR home, which YOU pay for, and you will date and entertain whoever you want to.

In the meantime, she can indeed must stay in her own room during such visits unless she can promise to behave politely and pleasantly.

And meanwhile, she should use this time when the family and community are mobilized in her support, to find some other, more traditional family to live with, where they will support her very old-fashioned ways.

Otherwise, you will become old, giving up your own pleasures in life, to serve her commandments. And don't accept her blackmail attempts to control you, either.

I agree with Liza here.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Liza | 2011/05/06

You''ve allowed your mother to control your life in the past and so she expects to control your life in the future. This has to stop. Yes, she''s probably still grieving BUT that has nothing to do with who you invite over to the house. If she can have friends over, why can''t you? If she threatens to stay in her room, don''t let it bother you. Let her stay in her room and keep herself busy. Your friend is there to visit with you - not your mother. You have to put your foot down and tell her that you will no longer allow her to control your life. Your house - your rules. If she cannot accept that and is nasty to your friends, she should either get her own place or go to her room like a naughty 5 year old.

I''ve had the same experience with my own mother. It was difficult in the beginning when I put my foot down and told her NO. It gets easier with time however. Just be consistent with the things you say no to. You can''t complain today and allow it tomorrow. My mom still tries her luck every now and again, but I stop her in her tracks every single time she does.

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Truth | 2011/05/06

Why are you pushing this so soon. You have always known that they did not agree with your dating practices. 3 weeks after your fathers death is too soon to push this with your mother.
You are in the right to entertain who you wish in your own house and your mother will eventually have to accept this. But not now, if you have waited so many years what will a few more months matter?

Reply to Truth

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