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Posted by: Guilt Trip Girl | 2008/08/21

Guilt Trips

Hi Everyone, i wonder if some of you kind people out there can please give me a bit of advice. I am 27 years old and my parents live with me as well as my grandmother. My parents are 59,71 and my granny 84. This has been going on since the age of 18. I have never ever had a stable relationship with a guy because my parents are always around and the guys feel intimadated sometimes to come home to a house full of people anyway so i have respected their wishes and not brought any guys home. Therefore if i have wanted to go out or do something it would have to be meeting them outside on the pavement like a B**** and doing my thing and being dropped off at home.

Anyway at the age of 24 i started on anti - depressants as well as chillers and uppers. So i take something at night to sleep and something in the morning to make me happy and then the anti-depressants because this whole setup is just too much. My parents never approve of any guy that i mention and she always throws a guilt trip by saying what if i leave then what are they going to do as they are old and blah blah blah. Then she says no she is too attached to me and all this nonsence.

Recently i sold my flat and i have received a substantial amount of money so therefore we have to move houses. So i gave them the opportunity of looking for something nice where we can all live together as i think i will be living with them till i die. (I must admit today i feel as if i can just take a Minora blade and cut my wrists). SO what does my mother pick a place where there is all old people and a place where my granny can live right next door. On condition if we move into this place i don' t have any friends visiting. You see this is another problem we are White / Greek nationality and my parents grew up in the past years i have grown up in the new south africa and my 2 boyfriends in my years have been Indian and i only mix with indian, colored and black people and she says that she will not accept that in her house while i am paying the rent it is her house imagine that. Currently i have fallen madly in love with a black guy and it is killing me inside because i know i can' t take him home and all and we want a child together. Whenever i talk about something my mother says to me remember you will have to deal with the child not being white and i tell her over and over again that it is fine with me i don' t care what other people think it is what makes me happy. I am not white in anycase because i am not the color of milk that is white i am caramel not white. She is always throwing guilt trips on me and saying that she will go her own way and take my father and granny and do their own thing.

Sorry this was very long but please some advice would be nice...

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Firstly, antidepressants sould NOT be mixed with uppers and chillers, and may lose whatever value they have under such circumstances. Secondly, antidepressants are only genuinely useful for treating depression and cerain other specficic disorders --- they do not solve personal and interpersonal problems. Only counselling / therapy can do that.
Int he situation you describe, your parents and granny will obviously want to dscourage ANY man you meet, as they see the result of any relatonship you form as likely to end up with them being out on the street ( have they no income, savings, pensions ? ) If you are due to move, why not look for a nice modest house for yourself, with a GRanny Flat where the 3 of them could live, on the same property but not under your feet, and caring largely for themselves ? WHy, if you are paying for it all, did you every invite THEM to pick the place they wanted ? And who had the almighty cheek to set a conditon that you cannot have friends visit you in your own place ? Outrageous !
Your mother needs to be told very clearly and firmly that YOU pay the rent means that it is YOUR house, not yours. If she wants a place where she can set the rules, she must buy it or rent it for herself.
DOn't accept her invitations to go on a guilt trip --- you have nothing to feel guilty about ( though SHE does !). Manipulation only works if you acept the invitation. Let them get thweir own place, pai for by everything the three of them have to support themselves with ( it would be very peculiar for a Greek family not to have made provision for themsselves ) while you get your own place, where YOU make your own rules.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: swg | 2008/08/21

your money + your house = your rules.

Reply to swg
Posted by: Curious | 2008/08/21

Don' t let your mother walk all over you. You are an adult now and should be left to make your own choices.

Reply to Curious
Posted by: Leigh | 2008/08/21

Dear girl,

I once read that the only way you can be a doormat is if you lie down. Don' t let your folk walk all over you. I know how hard it is to make a stand but love yourself enough to do that. You would be better getting your parents a wonderful house and you living in a small flat than what you have got now.
You are in the prime of your life. Don' t throw it away. Lots of people take care of their parents without sacrificing their own lives.

Reply to Leigh
Posted by: Cecilia | 2008/08/21

what you have is what people out there call manipulative parents, well in your case your mother.

Reply to Cecilia
Posted by: Babe | 2008/08/21

Your mom is selfish. They lived their lives n now they r trying to live yours as well. Get them a place in a retirement village and go stay on your own. If u let this go on u will end up a bitter old spinster with alot of regrets.

Reply to Babe

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