advertisement
Question
Posted by: Sandy | 2010/08/06

Guilt ridden

Cybershrink please help me.... i was seeing a married man for a few months who told me him and his wife were living separate lives but that he couldnt divorce her yet because his kids were still too young and for financial reasons. His wife has now found out about me and confronted me and she is the nicest person and treated me so kindly. she told me a different story to what the guy told me. I have never felt so terrible in my life before and if it wasnt for my family who have already lost a loved one i would have taken my life. I called it quits with the guy now and have tried to get them both to go to counselling but they dont want to reconcile under any circumstances anymore. It feels like i have screwed their marriage up and now i am just walking away. i dont know what to do. do i stay with him now that its out in the open, do i walk away? i can only imagine how she is feeling and its eating me to my core. how do i fix this mess, what must i do, please help me because i cant take this anymore, my life has been one big mess from the start and i think this could be the final blow. please no sarcastic remarks, i am broken enough already.

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

One must ALWAYS be suspicious when a married person tells you such convenient stories about the marriage, when persuading you to have an affair with them. The ages of the kids are irrelevant in deciding about a divorce - and would be a reason AGAINST an affair, not for it.
So, he was a cheat and a liar, to her and to you - blame him, appropriately for what he did, and don't be so hard on yourself. But why on earth would you for even a moment think of remaining with him ?
Of course you were right to leave him, and there is nothing more worth saying to him. Only he and his wife can fix this mess - its not up to you. If she does not want to reconcile with him, that's understandable, and one should respect her wishes. If he doesn't want to reconcile with her, that's odious and selfish of him. The more firmly you ignore him now, so he is qite sure you will not take him back, the more he might think of at least how best to treat his wife kindly and considerately at last.
What happened you understandably regret, but it was not really your fault, and was surely very much his fault.
See a counsellor to sort out any turmoil in your own life, and leave him to clear up the mess he has made in his - you can't do that for him.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

8
Our users say:
Posted by: Unbelievable | 2010/08/06

No way you dont feel guilty at all, if u were u wouldnt be thinking about taking him back..Well u know what u can take him back but remember one thing, what he did to his wife he will most definately do to u and when that happens please please dont cry.

Reply to Unbelievable
Posted by: Liza | 2010/08/06

Don''t blame yourself for their divorce. If he didn''t have an affair with you, he would have had it with someone else. Yes you made a mistake - the only feeling of guilt you should have is if you don''t learn from this mistake. Feelings of guilt are usually unproductive too - CBT can help you minimise guilty feelings.

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Phil | 2010/08/06

Sandy, don''t let this guy now play and use you. He is loosing everything, rightly so 2. Just remember that if he did not respect his wife and marriage vows, what will make it diffirent if he is with you?
You know what is right, and what is the best decsion for you and for all. You cut ur ties, and start a new and clean chapter.

Reply to Phil
Posted by: Guy | 2010/08/06

These females are heartless i tell you ...

Reply to Guy
Posted by: Sandy | 2010/08/06

Thank you so much, i know i have sinned and i feel terrible but its comforting to get responses from people who dont judge you and break you down even more. I just keep making stupid decisions in my life because i am so soft hearted, i just cant say no to people because im so scared i hurt their feelings. i am really considering seeing a counsellor CS, i need to start living each day and not just trying to survive everyday. Thank you Phil for your kind words too. I just feel like such a coward walking away now because this guy told me he loves me and that i must just not drop him when him and her get divorced and now that is exactly what im doing :(

Reply to Sandy
Posted by: Phil | 2010/08/06

O ja, and if you wanna chat. There are soem people on this site you can chat with. And yes, you will get the ones that will give you bad remarks, just consider the ones that give you logical advice ok.

Reply to Phil
Posted by: Phil | 2010/08/06

Learn from it, try and where and whenever you can teach people to never do something like that.
Ask this lady for her forgiveness, and GOD.
We all make mistakes, and then forgive yourself and never do it again. It is done now, so do the above and start working on your life again. We ALL make mistakes, just don''t repeat it... But issurely is no reason to end it all. Afterall, even if you were not in the picture, their mariage was introuble with this man. Maybe, she needed to find out who she is married 2.

Reply to Phil
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/08/06

One must ALWAYS be suspicious when a married person tells you such convenient stories about the marriage, when persuading you to have an affair with them. The ages of the kids are irrelevant in deciding about a divorce - and would be a reason AGAINST an affair, not for it.
So, he was a cheat and a liar, to her and to you - blame him, appropriately for what he did, and don't be so hard on yourself. But why on earth would you for even a moment think of remaining with him ?
Of course you were right to leave him, and there is nothing more worth saying to him. Only he and his wife can fix this mess - its not up to you. If she does not want to reconcile with him, that's understandable, and one should respect her wishes. If he doesn't want to reconcile with her, that's odious and selfish of him. The more firmly you ignore him now, so he is qite sure you will not take him back, the more he might think of at least how best to treat his wife kindly and considerately at last.
What happened you understandably regret, but it was not really your fault, and was surely very much his fault.
See a counsellor to sort out any turmoil in your own life, and leave him to clear up the mess he has made in his - you can't do that for him.

Reply to cybershrink

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
advertisement