Posted by: Free | 2009-09-19


I was in an abusive marriage for 16 years. I was living in extreem fear of my spouse. We are currently separated as he ultimately had an affair which led to children been born out of it. My biggest problem these days is that I experience extreem guilt because of this failing marriage. I feel bad as if it is my fault that it fell apart. The marriage was indeed falling by itself. We were at some stage advised to go apart by the magistrate who was dealing with a protection order I had applied for. She said it in her own words that she has worked with abuse cases for a long time and she felt that we can raise our kids better if we are apart. Can you guys please tell me why I feel guilty for a marriage that really felt like prison to me? And can you also tell me if this one of the divorce stages that one goes through and if so which?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageDivorce support expert

Hi "Free" and what a beautiful nickname you chose.

Your feelings are absolutely normal. Divorce bears many labels; societal, religious, parental... Your feelings are being fueled by such labels.
Deep down you know that your choice was the right thing, but on a "public" level you are being held hostage to what people may think. Try and recognise who or what in your life may have influenced you to even stay this long in this dysfunctional marriage and understand that this judgment is born out of people's insecurities.

Your divorce is not a breakup point in your life but a change of direction. Yes, do mourn your loss and recognise your hurt and then embrace the opportunities that are awaiting you.

Your subject is "guilt" and your nickname is "Free". Trust your intuition and be free of your guilt.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Ma | 2009-09-23

The story is a little close to mine.
Just dat mine, there r no children involved. I have been battling court hopelessly, my hubby, the Correctional Officer,is a friend of all women working at protection order office including the receptionist.
He has among other things, let his girlfriends insult me thru the phone, his father sends me sms, his brother callind insulting nd so on. Lately, he calld me by my mother' s grave and her private part. I m So Pissed Off with it.
Finally, in my heart, i have a will to divorce him.
We still live unda one roof although he comes home 2a week or so for clean clothes. I have had invinsible enemies smashing my car, when i paid for dstv he took the decoder. he is now starting to take things in the house i suspect he want the sharing of divorce to be " Take -what he bought and what i bought"  type of sharing.
I want to throw in his Provident fund in our divorce, can i pull it??

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