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Question
Posted by: Jay | 2009/12/23

grrr lowered libido

I’ m late 30s &  my husband is early 40s and we’ ve been married (happily) for almost 14 years. I love him dearly but, although I love sex as much as the next healthy girl, my drive has definitely shifted down a gear or three &  I now have the joys of keeping a tube of KY in my bedside drawer for the times when my body is not as quick to respond as he (or I) would like. This means that, over the past few months, I’ ve turned down sex quite a few times. Up till today I didn’ t realize this was a big issue and has left him feeling rejected. It’ s an awful circle because the more rejected he feels, the less he touches me, so the less loved I feel, the less response he gets, etc. etc. He does not believe that my lowered interest in sex has NO reflection on my love and feelings for him. I feel let down by my body and let down by him thinking crazy things like I must be having an affair or something. We always read tales of couples where the man has a loss in libido and the woman feels hurt or abandoned but how do we deal with this reversed reality that is our own situ?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

Women often complain of a lower sex drive. Other than in the case of men, women do not always know or are aware that they have a desire for sex – too many life things keep them occupied and need to be wound down to realize they are in the mood. As time and demands increase and our bodies change (less lubrication) we tend to have less of a conscious desire and the fact that one might need external lubrication is often frustrating and might result in sex avoidance. It might be worth exploring more foreplay – often that is when the senses are awakened and the realization that you might be in the mood. It might be worth reading up a bit more about the sexual disparity between men and women – www.sexualhealth.co.za. Understanding how your bodies react and respond differently might be a good exercise for the two of you.

Furthermore you could explore “sensate focus” techniques – read more under the heading sexual assignments on the website www.sexualhealth.co.za. These techniques are designed to create the space in a comfortable manner to bond with your partner without it always having to go over into sex. It might furthermore be worth for the two of you to consider seeking professional guidance from a psychologist that specializes in sexual concerns and couple counseling.

You are also welcome to contact our helpline – 0860100262 where you could be assisted to get in touch with a therapist as close a possible to you.



Furthermore you are welcome to visit the following website for any more sexual health information and assignments that could be helpful: www.sexualhealth.co.za

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

2
Our users say:
Posted by: XXX | 2009/12/24

This happens to the best of us and personally I see no harm to have KY jelly or anything else next to your bed to " assist"  with your lovemaking.Your husband' s turn will come when he might need a bit of help,so just talk to him and explain that you still love him dearly.
Maybe approach him for sex more regularly so he can see that you still want and need him.

Reply to XXX
Posted by: sexologist | 2009/12/24

Women often complain of a lower sex drive. Other than in the case of men, women do not always know or are aware that they have a desire for sex – too many life things keep them occupied and need to be wound down to realize they are in the mood. As time and demands increase and our bodies change (less lubrication) we tend to have less of a conscious desire and the fact that one might need external lubrication is often frustrating and might result in sex avoidance. It might be worth exploring more foreplay – often that is when the senses are awakened and the realization that you might be in the mood. It might be worth reading up a bit more about the sexual disparity between men and women – www.sexualhealth.co.za. Understanding how your bodies react and respond differently might be a good exercise for the two of you.

Furthermore you could explore “sensate focus” techniques – read more under the heading sexual assignments on the website www.sexualhealth.co.za. These techniques are designed to create the space in a comfortable manner to bond with your partner without it always having to go over into sex. It might furthermore be worth for the two of you to consider seeking professional guidance from a psychologist that specializes in sexual concerns and couple counseling.

You are also welcome to contact our helpline – 0860100262 where you could be assisted to get in touch with a therapist as close a possible to you.



Furthermore you are welcome to visit the following website for any more sexual health information and assignments that could be helpful: www.sexualhealth.co.za

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