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Question
Posted by: Just me | 2012/07/23

Grief after death

Hi, 3 months after the death of my father I still feel " ok"  about it... However my mom tends to miss him a lot. Things started off well, as she went on with her life, but the last week or two she find herself with out of energy and just full of grief.
My wife reckons mom is perfetic and she gets really angry when I spend like one to two hours a week at my moms. My wife says my mom should get on with it as it is almost 3 months after my father’ s death. Me on the other hand see it as ONLY 3 months…  Am I incorrect? What is the normal stage of grief after 3 months?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

SOunds normal but uncomfortable. Usually grief lasts at least 6 months, probably more usually 9 months or even more. Sometimes people who handle it more comfortably at first, may find it re-visits and troubles them later. Frief is really hard work, most of the time.
it sounds as though your wife is both a troubled person and a cause of troubles for others, with her ignorant and cruel comments. It is not in the least "pathetic" for someone to continue to grieve for someone they really loved and who was important in their life - it is normal, healthy, and appropriate. To insist on hurrying someone through grief because this would be more convenient for a selfish other person is cruel and should be very strongly discouraged.
Either your wife has never experienced normal grief or she never understood what was happening at the time. It is awful that she apparently is jealous and resents you giving proper attention and time to a grieving mother, just as any good and normal child would do.
There is nothing abnormal about your mother ( though if she is geting nowhere in her grief, she could probably benefit from seeing a counsellor experienced in grief work ) - it is your wife's responses I find harder to classify as normal or desirable

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3
Our users say:
Posted by: billy | 2012/07/24

There is no time period one can put to grief, how long were they married, and then all of a sutten the next person is gone.My father is dead for 39 years, and my mother sometimes talk if it happen yesterday.Your wife was never in a situation like that I suppose, give your mother all the support she needs.

Reply to billy
Posted by: Brian | 2012/07/23

The normal period for grief is 6 months but this is different for each one and 3 months is still really short. Maybe you should motivate her to speak to a grief counselor or someone similiar.

Reply to Brian
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/07/23

SOunds normal but uncomfortable. Usually grief lasts at least 6 months, probably more usually 9 months or even more. Sometimes people who handle it more comfortably at first, may find it re-visits and troubles them later. Frief is really hard work, most of the time.
it sounds as though your wife is both a troubled person and a cause of troubles for others, with her ignorant and cruel comments. It is not in the least "pathetic" for someone to continue to grieve for someone they really loved and who was important in their life - it is normal, healthy, and appropriate. To insist on hurrying someone through grief because this would be more convenient for a selfish other person is cruel and should be very strongly discouraged.
Either your wife has never experienced normal grief or she never understood what was happening at the time. It is awful that she apparently is jealous and resents you giving proper attention and time to a grieving mother, just as any good and normal child would do.
There is nothing abnormal about your mother ( though if she is geting nowhere in her grief, she could probably benefit from seeing a counsellor experienced in grief work ) - it is your wife's responses I find harder to classify as normal or desirable

Reply to cybershrink

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