Our expert says:
Hello R. Grief is never easy to handle, especially when the person we lost was loved, young, and when they died under tragic or ambiguous circumstances.
And many families have no experience or skill at handling it optimally. Especially as we vary considerably in the manner in which we handle grief, we may find it hard to understand each other, and can misinterpret each other, too.
And there's usually a complex mix of emotions - sadness, anger, guilt ( even when it wasn't even remotely your fault ) , relief, and other shades of emotion.
Men often find it harder, as they're often taught that huge lie that men shouldn't cry or show emotion.
But it sounds as though the real, important issue now, isn't that you need to see your father mourn in a way you recognize ( he has probably done so in many ways you didn't recognize for what it was ) but that he should receive support, love and comfort now in the later stages of his own life.
He should perhaps be encouraged to feel free to talk about this and other matters if they concern him and if he wants to ; but not if he doesn't want to. Much cruelty is accidentally caused by people who think they have to drag others into talking about things they dont want to confront.
YOur local hospice program may be able to recommend a good local counsellor with special experience in grief and bereavement, who could perhaps help your dad, and/or help you to work out the best way to be helping for your dad
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